How to properly hate myself

"Did he really just say that? He hates himself??? Oh Chris no..."

Fret not, dear friends. If you've read my notes before, you know I'm at least a little bit controversial. And please don't worry...I don't ACTUALLY hate myself, but just read on and you'll understand.

So this thought just popped into my head as I'm sitting in my computer chair on a cold January night. I've been trying to do some work to prepare for class tomorrow, but I can't escape this thought that's in my head right now. For lack of a better term, yeah, it's a little bit of hating myself.

Here's why...I have work to do (don't we all?). But sometimes I have an incredibly hard time doing it, especially when relating to my web design work. I can't understand why, but I just lack motivation and it frustrates me. Web design is truly a fascinating thing...to be able to put something together that not only looks aesthetically pleasing but also functions as a high-end application is actually pretty awesome. It can get tedious and frustrating for the programmer though, especially when he/she (or me) isn't held fully accountable. 

I was expected to have a website basically redesigned for the end of this month. It's January 24th. Guess who's barely started on it. Yep. So naturally I experience some form of frustration, and it's one that I can't understand. Since I'm not held fully accountable, I put it off and do other things that I would prefer to do, like lounge around and play video games or sleep or even go to the gym. But it's something that I know needs to be done. I know that the people I do this for will experience a great form of gratitude, which will please me greatly. So WHY don't I just do it?!?!?!? This is definitely something I hate about myself and wish would go away.

Ironically, I've experienced just the opposite. All work and no play makes Chris into the devil of spring semester 2010. I've suffered this imbalance for a long time...sometimes I would be all about play, but other times I'll be all about work. Sometimes it can be beneficial, but for me it fluctuates for about a few months at a time so that it's actually a hindrance to me. And I simply can't stand it. I keep wondering what the heck I have to do to correct myself. And then when I work that much harder to correct myself...I find myself being corrected TOO much, and so begins the cycle of desperately searching for the happy medium.

And I end up here again. Now I'm at the part where I play far too much and do work far too less. I had fantastic plans for this J-term. I was going to discipline myself to studying PHP every night so I could be a more efficient web programmer. I was going to work out every day so I could be in top physical shape. I was going to accomplish many things. Allow me to summarize what has happened this J-term. I have an easy class with barely any homework from 8-12 in the morning. I don't know any more PHP at the end of the month than I did at the beginning of the month. Two days into working out, I sprained my ankle. The only thing I've really gotten better at is Madden. Yay.

Sometimes I wish God hadn't blessed me with certain things. I get passionate about things and the passion dies in about a week. I set out to take on the world...after a nap. Or two. Or five. Or a quick beatdown of the Cowboys. Between that, and video games. I guarantee anyone that they will not beat me in a Pokemon battle, because I've spent a good part of my life developing every imaginable strategy in that cursed game. I don't understand why God allows me to be good at Madden and Pokemon...I really wish He hadn't.

So....what am I saying? Well...I talked about properly hating myself. I hate how I fluctuate from all work to all play. I hate how good I am at useless video games. I hate how I get passionate about things and let the passion die. But this is why I and everyone needs God. God can do it all...as much as we don't want Him to. Now what do I mean by that? Consider the scenario...I want to be more disciplined in my work. I want to be able to resist incessant playing of video games. So I pray about it. "God, grant me discipline to do my work, and give me willpower to be able to resist playing video games." I feel as though some people, including myself, pray something like this without knowing what they're asking. What am I really expecting when I pray this? Do I expect to get a gift-wrapped bottle of discipline? Yeah, drink this and you'll be disciplined and you'll be able to perform superhuman acts that you previously couldn't! Hopefully you smiled at that...I got a little kick out of it. :) But no, here's God's response: "Ok, you asked me for discipline and willpower. So here's what I'm going to give you. For you, a deadline for a new project that's due at the end of the month. Also, I want to let you know that your Wii is in the living room waiting to be played. Now resist it, sit down, and do work." THAT'S what God gives us. He doesn't give us a magic potion, He gives us a situation where we must be tested. James 1 (my favorite Bible chapter) relates to this well. Verses 3-4: "...because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." God's there to help us all the way, but you had better believe that He's going to test us to make it stronger.

Would I prefer that I just received the magic potion? Well sure...that's easier. But that's not what we're called to be. We're called to be active pursuers of God, and that means we have to work for it. We can't sit back on our lazy behinds and expect things to come to us (entire book of Proverbs, anyone? It kinda talks about laziness and sluggards). We serve God...He doesn't serve us. I think that's truly what we have to remember. Come off of your high horses. Put on your rags, because you are a servant. God wears the kingly robes, not us. BUT! Remember that God instituted the Sabbath. He wants us to serve Him wholeheartedly...while remembering to take a day off. So we can work AND play...and be a full-fledged servant of God. How awesome. So remember the happy medium...I know I'm still searching for it. The bottom line of this whole thing is this. The fluctuation I experience, I believe, is part of my old self. I want to hate my old self and completely put on the new self. I don't believe the word "hate" is used in the Bible, but it's definitely a Biblical principle. By hating my old self, I believe I can truly strive for something better. So I'm going to end with a prayer. I would encourage you to pray this also. But remember...be careful what you pray for, because you WILL get it.

God, I hate the old self. Give my courage and strength to completely put on the new self that You have given me. I know what that means. It means that I will be tested with things related to my ugly past. Laziness, bad temper, pornography, and a slew of other things. But through Your grace alone I can resist it all. Be with me in my journey. Amen.

Reflections and challenges on this Eve

I have no idea where this is about to take me...but here goes.

Due to personal ties on Facebook that would offend some people, I unfortunately can't share details of some things that have been on my mind. But recently I've been exploring the concept of "manhood". It's something that I greatly desire to achieve, even though I don't fully know what it is or what it takes to achieve it. All I know is that it takes more than what I've been willing to put in.

I've begun to read through a book called The Disciplined Life. I've never fully read through it, but it's something that needs to be done. Yesterday, the chapter I read was entitled "Discipline the Mark of Maturity." This intrigued me...I always considered myself mature even though I act goofy or silly. I know I act goofy so that I can make other people laugh. It brings me joy to see other people smile and I enjoy bringing a smile to them. But even though I may act what seems to be "immature", I always thought behind the scenes that, yeah, I have my mind about me. Yeah, I'm mature...I got everything under control. Hm...yeah.

In this chapter, there were subtitles where the author outlined specific aspects of maturity: appetite, emotions, moods, speech, priorities, and adjustment to authority. I read through the short 13 pages easily...at the same time, difficult. I was so intrigued at learning that I couldn't put it down, all the while I was disheartened. By the end of the chapter I came to a very sharp and painful realization...I didn't meet any one of these aspects of maturity. That's a frightening realization at age 22. At 18, you're legally considered an adult, ready to meet adult responsibilities. I was a senior in high school then...on top of the world, feeling like I had everything all together. I'm now a senior in college, and I can safely say that I'm terrified of what's coming, especially with this new view of maturity and how it relates to myself. I can safely say that I struggle with every single area of maturity. Every. Single. Area

Appetite. At first we thing of one thing: food. Even this I struggle in. Up until I was about 16, I was an extremely picky eater. Now I eat almost anything put in front of me, and that's a problem. I eat almost anything in front of me...when it's meat. I'm definitely a meatatarian...and let me tell you, from my point of view it takes a disciplined meatatarian to power down a salad. I know it's necessary, but I just don't do it. It's legitimately a challenge for me to eat a salad, and that's sad. But appetite extends far beyond just food, but into the realm of sexual desires. This....is my big one. I've struggled with this for as long as I can remember and continue to do so, capitalizing at being addicted to pornography for about 6 years. It's still a battle...one I don't want to fight and one I grow extremely weary of fighting. The disciplined man, however, doesn't face this. Instead of sitting at the computer screen, the disciplined man is on his knees saying "By God's grace, I refuse to do this anymore." Because of that, I haven't fallen in this regard in a few months. Still, I've plenty to learn and grow.

Emotions. Hey, I'm an emotional guy...it is what it is. I definitely wear my emotions on my sleeve, and that can be either good or bad. It's good because I have passion about things and I show it...but it can be bad when my emotions spiral out of control, and no one knows what to think of me. God wants us to be warm towards others...that's an emotion. But when that warmness becomes just giddy impulsiveness as The Disciplined Life says, it becomes adolescent in nature and not mature. On the flip side, an absence of warmness, which I exhibit much more than a God-fearing Christian should, can lead to many destructive things. Again...I need work.

Moods. Ohhhh here we go. Emotions tie into this, but extend far beyond. Moods need to be kept on a tight leash in all situations...that's where strength truly lies. I'm sure many people can attest to the way that I've been acting lately...moody. I feel like no one knows what mood I'm going to be in from one day to the next, or even from one hour to another. Example: today. I was in a relatively good mood as I spent the day with family. Then as the day went on, I became more neutral...then as the last of my family left, I became silent and depressive. That continued until after the Christmas Eve service due to a lot of things I was thinking about...and then I came back and started watching A Christmas Story, and was happy again. This is not the mark of a disciplined and mature man, and I know it. I hear from different people about how I act (mainly family), and I never like what they have to say. The first thought that comes into my mind is, "you know what, screw off. It's my life and I'll live it the way I want to." It would be so easy for me to say that, and it's something I'm very tempted to say time and time again. Some people would be proud of themselves to saying what's on their mind, like I envision people are of me. But unfortunately for me, the Bible says "A fool uttereth all on his mind." By the Bible's definition, I've been a fool as opposed to the disciplined man I need to be. The disciplined man keeps a consistent face, with only a small wavering in moods. Not the kind of unpredictable behavior that I'm used to exhibiting. The disciplined man is not moody, that's pretty much the bottom line. I owe a lot of people an apology...I don't know to who all, but I know some specifically. Particularly my family that reads my facebook statuses. I don't know how, but I've offended you with things that I've said over facebook through my statuses. To that, I apologize, and vow that I'm going to work rigorously on keeping my moods on a short leash, and show strength in my face to all I encounter.

Speech. Again, relating to many other things such as emotions and moods. People think mostly of swearing, which is something I mostly have under control. Sometimes I try to justify saying "damn" or "hell", but there's still no excuse for it. My friend once said this to me, and I took it to heart, "Swearing is only for people who have nothing better to say." But I even want to take it a step further than that: "Swearing is only for people who don't possess the intellectual capacity to say something more intelligent." Think about it...who swears? People who get angry, yes. But also people who just look stupid when doing it. When I hear someone dropping the F bomb in every other word, my first thought is wow...what an idiot. I say my original quote not to tear down any individual, but to pose a challenge. Keep speech clean of that junk...no one needs it. I can say all of this in confidence because I've been there, and am still there to a degree. I know I need work. But besides swearing, here's another thought. I probably can't count how many times I've said "That's what she said" this semester. In my opinion, I might as well be swearing. All I'm doing by saying that is causing my brothers and sisters around me to think pervertedly, in the same manner that I probably am. And that's wrong. By keeping my speech clean of that, I can also keep my thoughts and others thoughts clean as well. No one likes a dirty mouth. Not anyone that's deserving of YOUR companionship, anyway.

Those were the main ones I wanted to cover. Priorities and authority are left, but thinking about it can lead you to disciplined answers. But as I said before...I put myself on this scale of 6 points of maturity, and I failed every one. What an eye opener that was. And here I am, writing another facebook note and wondering where to go next. Maturity seems to have eluded me recently, and what a time to think about all of this but on Christmas Eve, where I have the perfect example of the most mature, disciplined, and manliest man in history: Jesus Christ. It seems that even though Jesus was born around this time and receiving most of the presents, I received a present from Him. That present is an outline. An outline of true discipline, and the answer to my "manhood" problem. For the Christian man, whether single or otherwise, I need to have control over my physical appetite and sexual desires. I need to guard my emotions and keep my moods from wavering so drastically. I need to guard my speech and keep a reign on my tongue. No one said that discipline is easy...in fact it's just the opposite. But I want more in life than just my own self-gratification. I want to be pleasing to others, and I want to be pleasing to God. I want to be a respectable figure amongst my friends and family. I want to be a true pillar of strength for those that need me to be. For that, I must work harder than I ever have. I must deny myself daily, carry my cross with my head held high, and walk the path that Jesus walked before me. If you have faith in God and believe that Jesus sacrificed himself that we might have eternal life, we get a free pass to Heaven. But God doesn't want just that for us. God wants the true warriors for His Kingdom...ones that have dedicated their lives to working on earth for His cause. God wants the battle-scarred soldier to enter into Heaven, not softies floating up on clouds. Imagine the joy of getting to Heaven after living a life of intense discipline on earth. Imagine seeing God on the Day of Judgment...and then imagine Him smile at what you've accomplished. "WELL done, my good and faithful servant!" Now imagine you just accepted the Jesus Present, and have your golden ticket to Heaven. Imagine seeing God on the Day of Judgment. Instead of smiling this time, He says, "Well, because you believed in Me, you get to go to Heaven...but you didn't live your life for Me after accepting the gift of salvation. Shame on you." Of course, I could be wrong in some of this, but hopefully you get the idea. I know what I want to hear when I get to Heaven. In order for me to hear God say well done, I know what I need to be. The appetite...the emotions...the moods...the speech...ALL need to be God-honoring and then some. God has given me gifts of encouragement, strength, and speaking to others in this way. I refuse to waste those gifts anymore. As Pillar says, stand beside or step aside, I'm on the front line. Now watch me fly. The time is now.

Merry Christmas to everyone...remember your Savior this day :)

Differences

Again, thanks to all who read. Just gettin' my thoughts out there :)

So this summer, I've really gotten to catch up on my game show watching. Welcome to jobless and unmotivated. But the other day when going through my typical lineup on the game show network, I noticed something...a difference. At 6:30, a show called Baggage came on. It's basically the dating game with a twist. You have 1 bachelor(ette) and 3 suitors, if you will. The twist is that with each "round" the 3 suitors reveal a secret about themselves such as "I have 15 dogs" or "I refuse to have sex before marriage" (which I find an absolute tragedy that a principle so Biblically-grounded is considered baggage in this day and age. Awful.). And based on how much "baggage" they think they can handle, the person will pick someone to go out on a date with them. That's the gist of it. Sometimes I don't even know why I watch it...but I get giggles from it on occasion.

Then at 7:00, Deal or no Deal comes on. Hopefully enough of us have seen it to know how it works. Basically, you can win money. But I'm fairly certain that the interviewing process is pretty rigorous because they typically don't have ordinary people on the show. There's always some kind of gimmick with the contestant. One of the contestants really loved the color lime green, so they turned all the lights in the room to lime green and the models' dresses were lime green. But Deal or no Deal really goes out of their way for contestants they feel are really deserving. One person had 3 goals...I forget what the first 2 were, but the last one was to fly his parents over from the Philippines because he hasn't seen them in 3 years and they hadn't met his fiancee yet. So...NBC flies them over and surprises him. Great moment.

But even more than that, some of these contestants really want to do good deeds with their money. Some people aspire to give a portion to the church or a charity. Some play for the money not for themselves but for their parents or children or siblings. Christians or not, they have noble causes and deserved to be applauded for what they aspire to do.

I found it interesting that these two shows came on one right after the other, and it brings me to the point of this note. What a difference between these two shows. First you have the ENTIRELY self-seeking show Baggage, at the end of which you end up with a girl or guy that you may not even like due to all of the dark secrets they have, and they might not even like you for your own dirty laundry. So by the end of the whole process, most of the contestants are probably left back at the same spot they were in. Then you have Deal or no Deal, arguably the most philanthropic game show out there. They go out of their way entirely to welcome in the contestant and try to encourage them as much as possible. Granted, they have the NBC financing to go along with it, but they still do it. And almost all of the contestants are respectable people with respectable goals and aspirations. By the end of the show, the contestant would hopefully walk away with a large sum of money. Of course some would go out and buy themselves a new car right off the bat...that's inevitable. But many others on that show give a large portion to other people and continue with their lives right where they left off, feeling a little more fulfilled.

I could give more examples, but the point's been made. What about us? There are two ends of this spectrum with only a little wiggle room in between. One end has the prideful man seeking to build his own empire here on earth, seeking a beautiful queen to accompany him on his throne as he rules all he surveys. The other end has the humble man who give of himself without flaunting it, all the while storing up his treasures in Heaven where they belong. I'll ask a question here...when does God ask us to be concerned with ourselves? He only warns us of ONE thing that we need to concern ourselves with, and that is fleeing from Satan. When we do that, all other things are taken care of. Wisdom comes in fleeing from Satan daily and running towards God and His provisions. Does God ask us to be concerned with finances? Jesus told his disciples to preach the message "Freely you have received, freely give" in Matthew 10:8. Does God ask us to be concerned about the future? Matthew 6:34 - "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." In fact, read the last part of Matthew 6 if you feel so lead. Basically Jesus says not to even worry about food. Wow. We need food to live...and Jesus says not to worry about it. It's because when we worry about this, we're wasting our energy on trying to gratify ourselves. And yes, in the America we live in, food is more of a gratification than a need. Especially for the college kids like me who have meal plans and at least 4 different eateries ON campus. We don't need to worry about food, so why do we do it? God's commands are clear. We waste so much energy on pleasing ourselves that we forget that someone is hurting 5 feet away from us. We forget that most of our "needs" are often "wants", and there are plenty of others around us who have legitimate needs. 

I know I need to evaluate myself. I've done a lot of talking but it's test time. Putting aside the context of the shows and rather the principles (seeing as how I have a loving girlfriend), am I more likely to end up on Baggage or on Deal or no Deal? I like to say that I enjoy helping others, and I do. But I don't do it NEARLY as often as I need to. Especially over the summer, I spend a majority if not all of my day pleasing myself. Playing video games, just lounging around, making myself a sandwich whenever I hear the faintest rumbling in my stomach. I may have grilled for my parents once or twice this summer, but I almost always grilled because I know I'd get good food out of it. With the lifestyle I've been living, I'd say I'm a perfect fit for Baggage. Unfortunate, because God's calling me over to change some lives on Deal or no Deal. That's where I need to be.

Father God, forgive me for my selfishness. There is so much You bless me with daily that I take for granted and use for self-gratification. Give me wisdom to act according to Your commands. Give me the courage and boldness required to live the lifestyle You would have me live. Let me use the talents and blessings You've given me as something that would benefit others. Amen.

Your turn.

Thoughts on selfishness and motivation

I don't expect everyone to read this...it's kinda long. But thank you to anyone who does.

The past 5 months have been really trying for me. By far, my worst semester to date...not grade-wise, but work and stress-wise. I still remember one night I threw up because of how much stress I was put under. People that know me know that that is NOT me. So that led to a summer which was looking up for me. Got my scholarship back, had a fantastic internship lined up, school was over, life was good. Then I didn't get the position for the internship. So that led to me trying to figure out what to do for the rest of the summer. Job searching off and on, but nothing. And here I sit, still jobless.

But I still had a website to work on which in my opinion, should be done right now. But it's not, simply because I haven't had the motivation to work. Not having a job to go to was really hard, and made it really difficult to maintain a good schedule. My days typically consist of going to bed around 3 AM, waking up at 1 PM, and not doing much of anything in between. Some nights I would have a softball game to go to...so I guess that was something? Yeah, some life.

But all summer I've been searching for my motivation...wondering what happened to the workaholic of the past semester. Yeah, it was nice to have a break, and I think I was entitled to one. But now it's July, and I've barely done a thing. I tried to blame it on other things. "Well, it's hard living at home with my parents...I just don't feel like working here....Well, my computer's out in the open where the TV is....I bet if I had an office I'd be more motivated!" All excuses. The problem is me whether I like it or not. So tonight I thought about it in a car ride home with my dad...and I thought of the answer.

The problem is selfishness. I've been doing things all summer that I want to do (emphatic voice on the "I"). Staying up late, waking up late, playing games and watching TV in between. It's not really a good feeling to live like that, but at the same time it's what I want. I want to be lazy and relax and not have to worry about work. Face it, don't we all REALLY want that? No work, no responsibilities, just all of our needs taken care of.

This isn't a respectable way to live. I claim to be a Christian, therefore my energies need to be focused on pleasing God. But recently we haven't been on the same page. God keeps showing me the path of what He wants. He shows His path for me through opportunities to work on websites and to serve others in that way. But like I said before...I lost my motivation and just chose to be lazy. I'm going to be brutally honest here...sometimes it's really hard to serve God simply because He's not tangible. Maybe it's a lack of faith on my part? I'm sure that's part of it...but don't we all face this dilemma? Think about it...how many times have we chosen our own path and strayed from God simply because He's not physically standing beside us? And He works in ways we don't understand. God's just mystic like that. So...pray for me in that regard.

I said before that I found an answer to my motivation problem, but never really explained it. All these thoughts came to me as I drove home from a softball practice for the sheriff's department with my dad. Even though it was just a practice, I was probably the standout player there. I was definitely the youngest and fastest, hit the ball farther than anyone else with seeming ease, made a few fancy defensive plays, and the like. (Sidenote, those of you who think I'm bragging, stop. I'm just telling it like it was. In a note trying to correct my selfishness, I'm definitely not going to put myself up on a pedestal. Sorry if I seem annoyed about it, but I hate having to defend myself as I often have in the past.) Anyway, I definitely got my baseball/softball skills from my dad. He played ball his whole life and was always good. But he's 62 now...and it was really hard watching him commit a few simple errors on fairly basic plays. In the car ride back, he was saying how hard it was accepting that he's 62...I just said "Yeah, me too." 

My dad is in great shape for his age, but just like me his days are numbered. It's really hard to think about that...especially for me because I'm so close to my dad. But I definitely know how much I love to please him and make him proud. 

This is the answer to my motivation problem. I lost my motivation because I became selfish and self-seeking. I know that I'm probably going to get about 30 years maximum with my dad...and I want to make him proud. I love hearing him say that. The last time that I really remember was my sophomore year at college. I called him to tell him that I wasn't going to continue to try out for the baseball team. I didn't know what exactly he would say...all I wanted was his approval, because I secretly wanted to do it so that my dad could see his son play college ball. But he told me that I got farther with baseball than he ever did......and that he was proud of me. I almost started crying over the phone...much like I am right now.

I can't continue living like this. This self-seeking, self-pleasing attitude that I have has to change. I've proven to myself that I'm not getting anywhere as long as I'm looking to please myself. I want to truly make something of myself...but not for me. The only thing I want is to hear my dad say "I'm proud of you, son." This means I'm on the right path, and he's happy. I don't just want him to say it just because I want to hear it...I want him to say it because I've earned it. It's time to change. Not because I want to, but because I have to. It's my duty and my responsibility to be a man and not a boy.

Father God, blaze the path, and I will walk. Dad....I'm gonna make you proud.

A lesson through a dream

I had a weird dream last night. I felt that God was speaking to me through it. I can't remember where I was, but I was with a few friends and a kid named Bobby. I had never seen Bobby nor had I known him in the past. He was a very rough-around-the-edges type of kid...he listened to a lot of heavy metal music and engaged in a lot of worldly activities. I struck up a conversation with Bobby and we talked about his habits. I decided to try to witness to him, but the conversation didn't go far. I was disappointed, but I felt I still made a marginal impact on him.

Then the scene shifted to Lottie. I was with Bill, Dan, and the other bio majors that I typically eat lunch with on Wednesdays. It was odd that Scott was the one that I struck up a conversation with. I believe that he is a strong Christian and he has given me no other reason to believe otherwise ("Thus, by their fruits you will recognize them" Matthew 7:20). But in my dream, Scott was not a Christian. He was still relatively quiet and he still maintained aspects of his personality, but he was just not a Christian. So again I struck up a conversation about God and why he isn't a Christian. He responded with something like, "Well, it's just not for me. I can rely on myself and I don't need God. I guess I just lie at one end of the spectrum." Then we started talking about what it actually means to be a Christian...mainly the servant aspect. When we started talking about this, I accidentally knocked over Dan's drink. When I did this, I acted hastily to clean the mess up. But then I paused and looked at Scott and said, "You say you lie at one end of the spectrum. Let me show you what the other end of the spectrum looks like." I promptly got up and went to get Dan another drink and brought it back to him. I'm sure in real life, this wouldn't mean too much. But when I did this in my dream, I could see that Scott was convicted. I was happy not for what I did, but for the fact that now Scott seemed to want to be a part of something bigger than ourselves.

I'm not sure why I dreamed the things I dreamed, but I felt that God was speaking to me through them. We can all be a part of something bigger if we look for opportunities and listen for God. God speaks whenever He chooses and wherever He chooses. This time, He decided to speak to me in a somewhat nonsensical dream. We can all afford to learn a lesson every once in awhile. Today, my lesson is to look for opportunities to share God. He calls us to action every day. It's our choice to follow. I know...finals are here, schoolwork is always around, and studying will never go away. But God is here too. Are you prepared to tell the God of Creation that your work is bigger than Him? Yes, God wants us to work hard at the tasks at hand, but we can't forget about the ultimate mission to which he has called us as Christians.

Reflections on Destiny

I'm not looking for feedback, but if you feel led to comment then please feel free to do so. This is just what has been on my heart lately.

It's strange how you learn the most about yourself when you've hit rock bottom. That's how I felt today. As I sat in my Database Concepts class, this thought popped into my head about destiny. We had Professor Nejmeh come into class to tell us about the next class after this one, Database Applications (which I'll be taking in the spring). He told us about the World Vision project that occurred last year and just what a great experience it was, and how it truly helped those in need. It seems that in the spring, we'll be undertaking another great project similar to the one that occurred last year. He mentioned my roommate Phil various times, and the simple quote that appears as Phil's Skype status, "This is how you change the world." I never knew what Phil meant by that and I had never bothered to ask, but it's incredibly cool knowing that through this project in Africa, they really DID change the world. Then a very simple but profound quote popped into my head, which was very appropriate for the way I've been acting the past few weeks. It was simply,

"Am I destined for greater things?"

Recently I've been angry. Angry at what? I don't even know. I've just been generally unhappy and unsatisfied with almost everything. I wasn't necessarily angry at God or angry at anyone in particular...I've just been angry. And it's been a vicious cycle. Since I don't know what I've been angry about, it makes me angrier because I feel helpless to rectify the issue. It's been a cycle that has seemed to capitalize today. I came back from my 8:00 class extremely frustrated because my professor who NEVER assigns us homework (besides the papers...one due last week and one due next week) gave us homework due next week...the same time as the paper. I was especially annoyed because I had planned out my entire week of work based on the fact that my girlfriend who's been in Australia for the past 4 months is coming back on Saturday, so I needed to have all of my homework done before the weekend when I go up to visit her. So I came back to the room about ready to break the world in half, and I went to my next class figuring that with my luck, I'd get more homework. But this was the class where Professor Nejmeh told us about the World Vision project and when this quote popped into my head.

Like I said, you learn the most about yourself when you hit rock bottom. Here, I felt myself about ready to hit that rock. In the midst of it all, I could feel my selfishness and my self-pity exuding from me, as if it was saying "Woe is me, things didn't go my way and now I have to re-plan some things. And, God forbid, I might actually have to do a little WORK." That was about the time that I felt God saying, "Alright, shut up. It's my turn to speak." You don't think He's that harsh? Remember when Peter denied Jesus three times when the rooster crowed? Then Peter looked at the bloodied face of Jesus, still with enough power to shoot a disappointed look towards Peter. Call it tough love. Peter learned his lesson. What I need many times is tough love. When it comes from God, I definitely listen.

I'm a fairly average student. I have a scholarship where I need to keep a 3.0 total GPA for the year. Right now I have a 2.8, which is fine if I get a 3.2 in the spring. But my classes are relatively easy this semester, and they're going to get much harder next semester. But this question keeps popping into my head and it's stirring a stronger will in me...the will to achieve. I mentioned my roommate Phil and how he had a hand in the World Vision project. He's been a great mentor to me whether he realizes it or not. He just seems to have it all together, even though I'm sure he'd be the first to admit that he doesn't. But he works hard and it's encouraging, even more so because it's in the field that I want to be in when I graduate from college. It's been a real blessing to live with him this year, because his work has shown me that all it takes is a little self-application. Because "This is how you change the world".

So what does God have destined for me? Am I going to grow up and be a super-programmer for a prestigious company? Maybe. Will I grow older and be a bum on the street, begging for a few pennies and huddled in a box waiting until the day I die? Also maybe. But I know what God has gifted me with. He has gifted me with an inquisitive mind that can figure things out. He's gifted me with the ability to work with computers and understand what makes them work. He's gifted me with the ability to communicate with others and be an encouragement. He's gifted me with blessings that I take for granted every day. Who am I to complain about an unwanted assignment when others aren't even complaining about the food that they might NOT receive the next day? God has blessed me with the opportunity to go to Messiah College, where I will receive a great education, and where I may have even met the girl with whom I'll spend the rest of my life. And yet I go from class to class, grumbling that I may actually have to apply myself to what God wants me to learn. No...no more. No more of this mindless complaining. No more of the selfishness. No more of the "Woe is me". So my girlfriend is in Australia...she's only there for 4 more days! Some men are sent off to war with the premonition that they won't even see their girlfriend again! WHO AM I TO COMPLAIN?!?!? Not anymore. God didn't create me to tell Him that He messed up with me. He didn't create me to have me tell Him how my life should roll. He created me to worship Him alone, that He might be pleased with the way I live my life.

So, "am I destined for greater things?" The answer is yes. I can't let myself fall into my old mindset anymore. I've been blessed beyond belief, and it's evident all around me. Now I have to use what I've been blessed for God and for others. I want to change the world too.

World or Soul? You choose.

Well, so much for going to bed at a decent time. I'm just starting this one at 2:12 a.m., and i'm waking up in 6 hours. Oh well, I want this to be written down because I feel like it's almost haunting me.

It's weird how these thoughts come to me when I have a paper to do. Simple 3-pager, but this thought in my mind is just overwhelming right now that I need to get out. It's based off of a verse that is still going up on my "favorite verses" list: Matthew 16:26 "What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul? Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul?" It's so weird how this verse came to me through what was arguably the silliest skit that my missions team did in Peru for the past 3 summers, but it's affected me greatly and has caused deep troubling inside of me.

Well, the thought hit me again after the church service today when the guest speaker was preaching on the first 10-12 verses of Matthew 5, a.k.a. the Beatitudes. The speaker clearly outlined how there is a flow to the blessings that Jesus issued to the crowd...I found it rather intriguing. It shows the step-by-step process of what we must do to live like Jesus and to wholeheartedly follow him. First, we must come to the realization that none of our worldly possessions matter...it all belongs to God. The speaker even went as far as to say that our relationships don't even matter for us since everything is God's (which, sitting next to my girlfriend, I felt a little uncomfortable hearing...haha). But upon this realization, we mourn. And Jesus then promises us that those who mourn will be comforted. Not necessarily by what's around us, but the promise of God is there to comfort us. Next comes meekness, which the speaker described not as powerlessness, but as a surrender of power. This involves such incredible humility, which I continue to struggle with every day, and probably will my whole life. Anyway, the passage goes on and climaxes at "Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God." We need to humble ourselves greatly, so far that we give freely of ourselves to go out and create peace and social order in circles that we establish ourselves in. 

Ok, well I guess that was a little message inside of another. It's hard not to go into tangents at these hours. But after the service, I got into thinking about following Jesus and what it takes. I know it takes a heck of a lot more than what I've been putting in. I think my attitude recently has been self-seeking and somewhat distant from God. I find that strange, especially because of the high spirits I've been in for the past month. 12/28/08, that's when Mindi and I started dating...she's absolutely wonderful. I told her before that I want to be a better person because of her...I want to give her the very best I can because I feel she deserves it. And she does deserve it. And I thought I've been doing a pretty good job of it too, but I'm still haunted. I'm also reminded of something that Dan told me to be cautious of, and I know I haven't been guarding well against, and that's where my focus is at. Who do I ultimately what to be a better person for? It SHOULD be God...it hasn't been. That's where this whole self-seeking attitude has come from. It's come from misdirection in my life.

I've recently been asking myself what's wrong with me. I've questioned myself as a man, and I wonder where my fire went. Well, my Sunday climaxed with my paper that still needed to be done, and I turned on some music. First just some instrumental stuff, then I let my mind wander and decided to turn on music with words to it. I started to play my favorite TobyMac song, Lose My Soul. The entire song is the same message that Jesus preached in Matthew 16:26, just put in Laymen's terms for the common mind to comprehend. The simple chorus is "I don't wanna gain the whole world and lose my soul." I hear it all the time and I go into thought every time I hear it, but something different happened this time. When I heard the chorus, I felt completely empty inside. I sat back in my chair and just...felt it. It didn't feel good. Pieces of the puzzle came together in Toby's song and I began thinking....again. 

What do I deserve? Do I deserve mercy? Do I deserve grace? A savior? A second chance? I deserve none of them. But I received all of them. Why? Because God loves me that much to do it. And what do I decide to do with it all? I decide to toss it into the hellfire and live as if nothing changed. How can I possibly crawl back, kissing God's feet saying "oh crap, sorry God, I screwed up again...forgive me?" But he still says yes! YES I'll forgive you! Now LIVE for me! Act like you actually want to be a better man! Act like the son of God that I want you to be! And I ask myself....why do I always make it so difficult? Heh....I just don't know. I see the blessings all around me, and the blessings that I can't see are eternal. But I still know they're there. I've been living my life in order so that I can gain the world. I've been too busy trying to impress people, show off, and physically accomplish as much as possible without being a peacemaker and aiming for the kingdom of Heaven.

And this is what happens to all of us. Yeah we see the rich get richer and the poor get poorer, and we see the evil prosper while the righteous get knocked down. Isn't that the promise though? "Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven." Our reward's not here. It comes later. The evil reap their rewards now while they still can. They won't get to take anything with them except for the long list of all the people they stepped on so they could be at the top. And they get to present that to God at the Judgment. These are the people we need to reach out to. And this is also what we need to guard ourselves against, ESPECIALLY in this prosperous country of America. Reach out to those who are begging for their real purpose in life, even if they don't know it. 

As for me, I need to do the same. I still need to find where my real focus goes. I know exactly where it's supposed to be, it's just not there right now. I need to re-ignite my disciplined life that I once lived to be the true man that God wants me to be. I need to be deserving of a girl like Mindi. I don't deserve her, but I sure consider myself lucky to have her. She's more of a blessing to me than she might know. And I want to be the best I can be for her...but it starts vertically. Pray for me in this quest of mine to find my discipline and be back on the same page with God.

"What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul? Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul?" 

I now know, because of when I actually made the exchange. I'm not doing it again.