"Did he really just say that? He hates himself??? Oh Chris no..."
Fret not, dear friends. If you've read my notes before, you know I'm at least a little bit controversial. And please don't worry...I don't ACTUALLY hate myself, but just read on and you'll understand.
So this thought just popped into my head as I'm sitting in my computer chair on a cold January night. I've been trying to do some work to prepare for class tomorrow, but I can't escape this thought that's in my head right now. For lack of a better term, yeah, it's a little bit of hating myself.
Here's why...I have work to do (don't we all?). But sometimes I have an incredibly hard time doing it, especially when relating to my web design work. I can't understand why, but I just lack motivation and it frustrates me. Web design is truly a fascinating thing...to be able to put something together that not only looks aesthetically pleasing but also functions as a high-end application is actually pretty awesome. It can get tedious and frustrating for the programmer though, especially when he/she (or me) isn't held fully accountable.
I was expected to have a website basically redesigned for the end of this month. It's January 24th. Guess who's barely started on it. Yep. So naturally I experience some form of frustration, and it's one that I can't understand. Since I'm not held fully accountable, I put it off and do other things that I would prefer to do, like lounge around and play video games or sleep or even go to the gym. But it's something that I know needs to be done. I know that the people I do this for will experience a great form of gratitude, which will please me greatly. So WHY don't I just do it?!?!?!? This is definitely something I hate about myself and wish would go away.
Ironically, I've experienced just the opposite. All work and no play makes Chris into the devil of spring semester 2010. I've suffered this imbalance for a long time...sometimes I would be all about play, but other times I'll be all about work. Sometimes it can be beneficial, but for me it fluctuates for about a few months at a time so that it's actually a hindrance to me. And I simply can't stand it. I keep wondering what the heck I have to do to correct myself. And then when I work that much harder to correct myself...I find myself being corrected TOO much, and so begins the cycle of desperately searching for the happy medium.
And I end up here again. Now I'm at the part where I play far too much and do work far too less. I had fantastic plans for this J-term. I was going to discipline myself to studying PHP every night so I could be a more efficient web programmer. I was going to work out every day so I could be in top physical shape. I was going to accomplish many things. Allow me to summarize what has happened this J-term. I have an easy class with barely any homework from 8-12 in the morning. I don't know any more PHP at the end of the month than I did at the beginning of the month. Two days into working out, I sprained my ankle. The only thing I've really gotten better at is Madden. Yay.
Sometimes I wish God hadn't blessed me with certain things. I get passionate about things and the passion dies in about a week. I set out to take on the world...after a nap. Or two. Or five. Or a quick beatdown of the Cowboys. Between that, and video games. I guarantee anyone that they will not beat me in a Pokemon battle, because I've spent a good part of my life developing every imaginable strategy in that cursed game. I don't understand why God allows me to be good at Madden and Pokemon...I really wish He hadn't.
So....what am I saying? Well...I talked about properly hating myself. I hate how I fluctuate from all work to all play. I hate how good I am at useless video games. I hate how I get passionate about things and let the passion die. But this is why I and everyone needs God. God can do it all...as much as we don't want Him to. Now what do I mean by that? Consider the scenario...I want to be more disciplined in my work. I want to be able to resist incessant playing of video games. So I pray about it. "God, grant me discipline to do my work, and give me willpower to be able to resist playing video games." I feel as though some people, including myself, pray something like this without knowing what they're asking. What am I really expecting when I pray this? Do I expect to get a gift-wrapped bottle of discipline? Yeah, drink this and you'll be disciplined and you'll be able to perform superhuman acts that you previously couldn't! Hopefully you smiled at that...I got a little kick out of it. :) But no, here's God's response: "Ok, you asked me for discipline and willpower. So here's what I'm going to give you. For you, a deadline for a new project that's due at the end of the month. Also, I want to let you know that your Wii is in the living room waiting to be played. Now resist it, sit down, and do work." THAT'S what God gives us. He doesn't give us a magic potion, He gives us a situation where we must be tested. James 1 (my favorite Bible chapter) relates to this well. Verses 3-4: "...because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." God's there to help us all the way, but you had better believe that He's going to test us to make it stronger.
Would I prefer that I just received the magic potion? Well sure...that's easier. But that's not what we're called to be. We're called to be active pursuers of God, and that means we have to work for it. We can't sit back on our lazy behinds and expect things to come to us (entire book of Proverbs, anyone? It kinda talks about laziness and sluggards). We serve God...He doesn't serve us. I think that's truly what we have to remember. Come off of your high horses. Put on your rags, because you are a servant. God wears the kingly robes, not us. BUT! Remember that God instituted the Sabbath. He wants us to serve Him wholeheartedly...while remembering to take a day off. So we can work AND play...and be a full-fledged servant of God. How awesome. So remember the happy medium...I know I'm still searching for it. The bottom line of this whole thing is this. The fluctuation I experience, I believe, is part of my old self. I want to hate my old self and completely put on the new self. I don't believe the word "hate" is used in the Bible, but it's definitely a Biblical principle. By hating my old self, I believe I can truly strive for something better. So I'm going to end with a prayer. I would encourage you to pray this also. But remember...be careful what you pray for, because you WILL get it.
God, I hate the old self. Give my courage and strength to completely put on the new self that You have given me. I know what that means. It means that I will be tested with things related to my ugly past. Laziness, bad temper, pornography, and a slew of other things. But through Your grace alone I can resist it all. Be with me in my journey. Amen.
Fret not, dear friends. If you've read my notes before, you know I'm at least a little bit controversial. And please don't worry...I don't ACTUALLY hate myself, but just read on and you'll understand.
So this thought just popped into my head as I'm sitting in my computer chair on a cold January night. I've been trying to do some work to prepare for class tomorrow, but I can't escape this thought that's in my head right now. For lack of a better term, yeah, it's a little bit of hating myself.
Here's why...I have work to do (don't we all?). But sometimes I have an incredibly hard time doing it, especially when relating to my web design work. I can't understand why, but I just lack motivation and it frustrates me. Web design is truly a fascinating thing...to be able to put something together that not only looks aesthetically pleasing but also functions as a high-end application is actually pretty awesome. It can get tedious and frustrating for the programmer though, especially when he/she (or me) isn't held fully accountable.
I was expected to have a website basically redesigned for the end of this month. It's January 24th. Guess who's barely started on it. Yep. So naturally I experience some form of frustration, and it's one that I can't understand. Since I'm not held fully accountable, I put it off and do other things that I would prefer to do, like lounge around and play video games or sleep or even go to the gym. But it's something that I know needs to be done. I know that the people I do this for will experience a great form of gratitude, which will please me greatly. So WHY don't I just do it?!?!?!? This is definitely something I hate about myself and wish would go away.
Ironically, I've experienced just the opposite. All work and no play makes Chris into the devil of spring semester 2010. I've suffered this imbalance for a long time...sometimes I would be all about play, but other times I'll be all about work. Sometimes it can be beneficial, but for me it fluctuates for about a few months at a time so that it's actually a hindrance to me. And I simply can't stand it. I keep wondering what the heck I have to do to correct myself. And then when I work that much harder to correct myself...I find myself being corrected TOO much, and so begins the cycle of desperately searching for the happy medium.
And I end up here again. Now I'm at the part where I play far too much and do work far too less. I had fantastic plans for this J-term. I was going to discipline myself to studying PHP every night so I could be a more efficient web programmer. I was going to work out every day so I could be in top physical shape. I was going to accomplish many things. Allow me to summarize what has happened this J-term. I have an easy class with barely any homework from 8-12 in the morning. I don't know any more PHP at the end of the month than I did at the beginning of the month. Two days into working out, I sprained my ankle. The only thing I've really gotten better at is Madden. Yay.
Sometimes I wish God hadn't blessed me with certain things. I get passionate about things and the passion dies in about a week. I set out to take on the world...after a nap. Or two. Or five. Or a quick beatdown of the Cowboys. Between that, and video games. I guarantee anyone that they will not beat me in a Pokemon battle, because I've spent a good part of my life developing every imaginable strategy in that cursed game. I don't understand why God allows me to be good at Madden and Pokemon...I really wish He hadn't.
So....what am I saying? Well...I talked about properly hating myself. I hate how I fluctuate from all work to all play. I hate how good I am at useless video games. I hate how I get passionate about things and let the passion die. But this is why I and everyone needs God. God can do it all...as much as we don't want Him to. Now what do I mean by that? Consider the scenario...I want to be more disciplined in my work. I want to be able to resist incessant playing of video games. So I pray about it. "God, grant me discipline to do my work, and give me willpower to be able to resist playing video games." I feel as though some people, including myself, pray something like this without knowing what they're asking. What am I really expecting when I pray this? Do I expect to get a gift-wrapped bottle of discipline? Yeah, drink this and you'll be disciplined and you'll be able to perform superhuman acts that you previously couldn't! Hopefully you smiled at that...I got a little kick out of it. :) But no, here's God's response: "Ok, you asked me for discipline and willpower. So here's what I'm going to give you. For you, a deadline for a new project that's due at the end of the month. Also, I want to let you know that your Wii is in the living room waiting to be played. Now resist it, sit down, and do work." THAT'S what God gives us. He doesn't give us a magic potion, He gives us a situation where we must be tested. James 1 (my favorite Bible chapter) relates to this well. Verses 3-4: "...because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." God's there to help us all the way, but you had better believe that He's going to test us to make it stronger.
Would I prefer that I just received the magic potion? Well sure...that's easier. But that's not what we're called to be. We're called to be active pursuers of God, and that means we have to work for it. We can't sit back on our lazy behinds and expect things to come to us (entire book of Proverbs, anyone? It kinda talks about laziness and sluggards). We serve God...He doesn't serve us. I think that's truly what we have to remember. Come off of your high horses. Put on your rags, because you are a servant. God wears the kingly robes, not us. BUT! Remember that God instituted the Sabbath. He wants us to serve Him wholeheartedly...while remembering to take a day off. So we can work AND play...and be a full-fledged servant of God. How awesome. So remember the happy medium...I know I'm still searching for it. The bottom line of this whole thing is this. The fluctuation I experience, I believe, is part of my old self. I want to hate my old self and completely put on the new self. I don't believe the word "hate" is used in the Bible, but it's definitely a Biblical principle. By hating my old self, I believe I can truly strive for something better. So I'm going to end with a prayer. I would encourage you to pray this also. But remember...be careful what you pray for, because you WILL get it.
God, I hate the old self. Give my courage and strength to completely put on the new self that You have given me. I know what that means. It means that I will be tested with things related to my ugly past. Laziness, bad temper, pornography, and a slew of other things. But through Your grace alone I can resist it all. Be with me in my journey. Amen.
