For Lent this year...

For most people, I know we give up things like Facebook or chocolate or something else that's generally unhealthy. I'm a little different though (like THAT wasn't obvious...), I prefer not to give up tangible things, but rather something intangible. Something I know is unhealthy for the way I live. Last year I said I was going to give up "everything", in an attempt to transfer everything that I am completely over to God. This year I need to narrow it down...and there's one thing that's been bugging me recently, so perhaps this is God challenging me. So I've decided that for Lent this year, I am giving up:

Fear.

It's hard to decipher exactly what this means. We're not called to be completely fearless, that's just reckless stupidity. And isn't the fear of the Lord the beginning of both knowledge AND wisdom, as depicted by two separate Proverbs? So perhaps I'm not completely giving up fear. However, there have been fears that have been holding me back. Fear of rejection. Fear of the future. Fear of being judged. Fear of God's callings. Fears which make me sit idle and be set in my zone of safety. It's easy to just sit back and embrace safety...and something I know I need to let go. 

Like I said, I'm not called to be fearless. But I AM called to be something similar...courageous. And what is courage? My definition of courage is acting on what you know is right, despite fears and rather embracing them. Today I was convicted by the song "Dangerous" by Pillar. The second verse says: "You, hold back your tears / Embrace your fears / And you let it be what motivates you / Don't hold your breath / That burns inside / Or you'll make your pain be self-inflicted / Direct your full attention / Did I forget to mention? / Live life with no restrictions / No one can hold you down!" So it calls us to not entirely discard our fears, but rather to put on courage and face them.

And courage...what a tricky thing to obtain. I was about to google "courage in the Bible", until I had an interesting thought: the faith chapter, Hebrews 11. You can replace the phrase "by faith" in each instance with "by courage". Think about it...it took courage for Abraham to offer his son before God stopped him. It took courage for Moses to cross the Red Sea. It took courage for Rahab to do what she did. And all of these people are remembered in Biblical history. So if I can replace that phrase...is it safe to assume that faith and courage are synonymous? I'd certainly be willing to argue so. So in an absence of courage, we find fear. When we find fear, we also find a lack of faith in things to come. Yet we're still given promises of things yet to come and we're promised that God is true, "For the word of the LORD is right and true; he is faithful in all he does." - Psalm 33:4.

So maybe for Lent, I'm not necessarily giving up, but I'm gaining. I'm gaining courage to live for God no matter what crap hits the fan and into my face. But I'm letting go of fears that are holding me back from being who God called me to be. The unpassionate life just simply isn't good enough for me. So no matter how scary, no matter where God calls me, I'm going to go. Maybe that means staying at the helpdesk for 10 more years. Maybe it means moving to Africa next year. I don't think the latter is likely, but who knows...if God calls it, I'm going. Soli Deo Gloria...Glory to God alone.

Post-Grey

"Once more into the fray.
Into the last good fight I'll ever know.
Live or die on this day.
Live or die on this day."

I just finished watching The Grey with all of my beloved pack members. I'll try not to give away TOO many spoilers...actually, I take that back. In order to write this note, I have to spoil the movie. So, spoiler alerts ahead.

Anyway, this poem was a theme throughout the movie, and it's one which struck a chord with me. There was a huge plane crash in the beginning of the movie, and only about 7 survived. When it got to the point where there were 5 people left, this is the time where they begin to bond and share more about themselves (revealing that two of them are atheists...one of my personal depressing points of the movie). One by one, they are slowly picked off by the wolves, until only Liam Neeson is left. This is where this poem really kicks in. Liam has a decision to make. He's now all alone in the icy cold wilderness, and it's just him against the wolves. Before he encounters the wolves, he makes a desperate plea to God to show him something real (Liam is one of the atheists). But, no such sign appears. Faced with certain death, Liam just says (language pardon) "fuck it, I'll do it myself." Then all of a sudden, he ends up in the "wolf den", and after paying homage to his comrades he is completely surrounded by wolves ready to tear him limb from limb. Then one large black wolf lets out a roar and the others back off, leave Liam to take on THIS wolf, the Alpha. I was completely engrossed in the movie at this point. Liam could wait to die, but no. He takes a knife, 3 glass bottles, and electrical tape. He breaks the 3 bottles and tapes them and the knife to his hands, and faces the wolf head on. It was really a powerful scene, and one which dove me into deep thought.

I always like finding spiritual parallels in movies (even if Hollywood doesn't want me to :) ). But this is so indicative of the battle in front of us as Christians. The alpha wolf here is Satan. When the alpha roars to call off the other wolves, he's saying, "this one is the best among them. I want him." And what does Liam do? He doesn't just sit around to die, he picks up whatever he can find and he fights with what little strength he has left. So when Satan roars to his demons, saying "ooh, this one thinks he's really working for God...I WANT HIM", what do we do? As Christians, Satan wants the best of us. Who is the best of us? You are. Every one of us is the best among us, because we are all equalled instilled with the Holy Spirit, none greater than the other. 

"Adversity does not build character, it reveals it." And how true that is. Adversity actually does both...we are constantly being built up by learning through our experiences and struggles, but when we are faced with big struggles we are able to see what we're really made of. I thought about myself near the end of the movie. I saw myself as Liam after his last friend dies, and I thought "what would I do?" I know what I would WANT to do: be the hero with infinite strength, ready to charge through any challenges ahead of me no matter how difficult. But what would I REALLY do? Well, probably a lot of praying first of all. But I don't think I could've made it. I have good survival skills, but I think fear and terror would get the best of me in that situation. Then when he encounters the wolf, same question. Similar answer. I definitely would have fought, but I know I wouldn't have lasted long just out of fear and giving up. I thought back to all the times I would crack under pressure. All the times I would ask for the burden, only to find that it's too great for me to handle. I would ask for the fight, only to find myself getting knocked down and not pulling myself back up.

But, I don't settle for this. I wouldn't have been called "The White Knight" by God if it wasn't true. When God gives us a calling, it's not going to be easy to realize the full extent of the calling. God promises a test, "But he knoweth the way that I take: when he hath tried me, I shall come forth as gold." - Job 23:10...one of my favorite verses. Gold is only made by testing it with a hammer; by beating it until it's solid. And Satan promises not to make it easy on us either...he's going to come at us with guns ablazing, ESPECIALLY when we have a calling. Consider Tim Tebow, fulling living on the battlefield for God. Consider the backlash that this guy gets. I saw a "comedian" today that was lashing out against Tebow (I use that term just as his professional title...I could make people laugh in my sleep better than this guy could). His quote was "If I was trapped in a room with Bin Laden and Tim Tebow, and I only had a gun with one bullet, I'd shoot Bin Laden...I'm no monster. But if I had 2 bullets, I'd shoot Tim Tebow first." If I heard that said about myself, I'd lose A LOT of heart. That's the ways of Satan trying to pull us down, trying to make us into flabby mediocre meat sacs. But God calls us to strength, no matter what the cost. It's easy to worship God and be all Christian-y in the presence of other Christians. What I want to know is, what if I'm the only one left? Liam was ALONE...with NO ONE around to share his burden. He took his fate as a warrior, and went out fighting. I want to be a man that realizes the strength that's truly hidden in me. At any cost, even my earthly life, my mission is to see that others realize the coming Kingdom of God. Even if my friends betray me, even if they die out, if I'm the only one left...what will I do? And the ever-haunting question, what if I never get married? Will I stop serving God if there isn't someone alongside of me? At work, where I'm the only Christian and continually take cheap shots at my character and faith, will I quit sharing what I believe? Will I conform to their ways just so they accept me? That's a path I'll never go down again.

Like Liam, against all odds, I look Satan in the eye and say "you don't scare me." Because, unlike Liam in the movie, we have a King who fights alongside of us and promises to never leave us, "Be strong and of a good courage, fear not, nor be afraid of them: for the LORD thy God, he it is that doth go with thee; he will not fail thee, nor forsake thee." - Deuteronomy 31:6. This is where we take our strength, from our God. This is where we have all hope of living, both here on earth AND after we're done here and are called home. So...what do we have to fear? "I called upon the LORD in distress: the LORD answered me, and set me in a large place. The LORD is on my side; I will not fear: what can man do unto me?" - Psalm 118:5-6 (also the verse that Hollywood apparently forgot to read when Liam was crying out to God). I know Lecrae got it right...go hard or go home. Check this out:

"Rep every day without worryin about bruisin / I been to China man I seen some real persecution / If you didn't know Christ would ya life look the same / Can they tell you value Jesus by the way to rep his name? / Man what's the point of livin if I'm livin for myself / Lord empty out my life before I put you on the shelf / So for God I go hard, I don't wanna die tonight / But there's too many people livin who ain't heard about my Christ"

Battle cry. The greatest honor a human could ever realize...the full outpouring of their life to a cause greater than themselves. Putting their own head on a guillotine to save the life of another. This is strength. This is honor. So when faced with the same adversity that Liam Neeson faced, I want to act as he did. Realizing the strength of God in me and go hard into it. I think I need to tape some shards of glass to my knuckles and show Satan what I'm made of.

"Once more into the fray.
Into the last good fight I'll ever know.
Live or die on this day.
Live or die on this day."