Reflections and challenges on this Eve

I have no idea where this is about to take me...but here goes.

Due to personal ties on Facebook that would offend some people, I unfortunately can't share details of some things that have been on my mind. But recently I've been exploring the concept of "manhood". It's something that I greatly desire to achieve, even though I don't fully know what it is or what it takes to achieve it. All I know is that it takes more than what I've been willing to put in.

I've begun to read through a book called The Disciplined Life. I've never fully read through it, but it's something that needs to be done. Yesterday, the chapter I read was entitled "Discipline the Mark of Maturity." This intrigued me...I always considered myself mature even though I act goofy or silly. I know I act goofy so that I can make other people laugh. It brings me joy to see other people smile and I enjoy bringing a smile to them. But even though I may act what seems to be "immature", I always thought behind the scenes that, yeah, I have my mind about me. Yeah, I'm mature...I got everything under control. Hm...yeah.

In this chapter, there were subtitles where the author outlined specific aspects of maturity: appetite, emotions, moods, speech, priorities, and adjustment to authority. I read through the short 13 pages easily...at the same time, difficult. I was so intrigued at learning that I couldn't put it down, all the while I was disheartened. By the end of the chapter I came to a very sharp and painful realization...I didn't meet any one of these aspects of maturity. That's a frightening realization at age 22. At 18, you're legally considered an adult, ready to meet adult responsibilities. I was a senior in high school then...on top of the world, feeling like I had everything all together. I'm now a senior in college, and I can safely say that I'm terrified of what's coming, especially with this new view of maturity and how it relates to myself. I can safely say that I struggle with every single area of maturity. Every. Single. Area

Appetite. At first we thing of one thing: food. Even this I struggle in. Up until I was about 16, I was an extremely picky eater. Now I eat almost anything put in front of me, and that's a problem. I eat almost anything in front of me...when it's meat. I'm definitely a meatatarian...and let me tell you, from my point of view it takes a disciplined meatatarian to power down a salad. I know it's necessary, but I just don't do it. It's legitimately a challenge for me to eat a salad, and that's sad. But appetite extends far beyond just food, but into the realm of sexual desires. This....is my big one. I've struggled with this for as long as I can remember and continue to do so, capitalizing at being addicted to pornography for about 6 years. It's still a battle...one I don't want to fight and one I grow extremely weary of fighting. The disciplined man, however, doesn't face this. Instead of sitting at the computer screen, the disciplined man is on his knees saying "By God's grace, I refuse to do this anymore." Because of that, I haven't fallen in this regard in a few months. Still, I've plenty to learn and grow.

Emotions. Hey, I'm an emotional guy...it is what it is. I definitely wear my emotions on my sleeve, and that can be either good or bad. It's good because I have passion about things and I show it...but it can be bad when my emotions spiral out of control, and no one knows what to think of me. God wants us to be warm towards others...that's an emotion. But when that warmness becomes just giddy impulsiveness as The Disciplined Life says, it becomes adolescent in nature and not mature. On the flip side, an absence of warmness, which I exhibit much more than a God-fearing Christian should, can lead to many destructive things. Again...I need work.

Moods. Ohhhh here we go. Emotions tie into this, but extend far beyond. Moods need to be kept on a tight leash in all situations...that's where strength truly lies. I'm sure many people can attest to the way that I've been acting lately...moody. I feel like no one knows what mood I'm going to be in from one day to the next, or even from one hour to another. Example: today. I was in a relatively good mood as I spent the day with family. Then as the day went on, I became more neutral...then as the last of my family left, I became silent and depressive. That continued until after the Christmas Eve service due to a lot of things I was thinking about...and then I came back and started watching A Christmas Story, and was happy again. This is not the mark of a disciplined and mature man, and I know it. I hear from different people about how I act (mainly family), and I never like what they have to say. The first thought that comes into my mind is, "you know what, screw off. It's my life and I'll live it the way I want to." It would be so easy for me to say that, and it's something I'm very tempted to say time and time again. Some people would be proud of themselves to saying what's on their mind, like I envision people are of me. But unfortunately for me, the Bible says "A fool uttereth all on his mind." By the Bible's definition, I've been a fool as opposed to the disciplined man I need to be. The disciplined man keeps a consistent face, with only a small wavering in moods. Not the kind of unpredictable behavior that I'm used to exhibiting. The disciplined man is not moody, that's pretty much the bottom line. I owe a lot of people an apology...I don't know to who all, but I know some specifically. Particularly my family that reads my facebook statuses. I don't know how, but I've offended you with things that I've said over facebook through my statuses. To that, I apologize, and vow that I'm going to work rigorously on keeping my moods on a short leash, and show strength in my face to all I encounter.

Speech. Again, relating to many other things such as emotions and moods. People think mostly of swearing, which is something I mostly have under control. Sometimes I try to justify saying "damn" or "hell", but there's still no excuse for it. My friend once said this to me, and I took it to heart, "Swearing is only for people who have nothing better to say." But I even want to take it a step further than that: "Swearing is only for people who don't possess the intellectual capacity to say something more intelligent." Think about it...who swears? People who get angry, yes. But also people who just look stupid when doing it. When I hear someone dropping the F bomb in every other word, my first thought is wow...what an idiot. I say my original quote not to tear down any individual, but to pose a challenge. Keep speech clean of that junk...no one needs it. I can say all of this in confidence because I've been there, and am still there to a degree. I know I need work. But besides swearing, here's another thought. I probably can't count how many times I've said "That's what she said" this semester. In my opinion, I might as well be swearing. All I'm doing by saying that is causing my brothers and sisters around me to think pervertedly, in the same manner that I probably am. And that's wrong. By keeping my speech clean of that, I can also keep my thoughts and others thoughts clean as well. No one likes a dirty mouth. Not anyone that's deserving of YOUR companionship, anyway.

Those were the main ones I wanted to cover. Priorities and authority are left, but thinking about it can lead you to disciplined answers. But as I said before...I put myself on this scale of 6 points of maturity, and I failed every one. What an eye opener that was. And here I am, writing another facebook note and wondering where to go next. Maturity seems to have eluded me recently, and what a time to think about all of this but on Christmas Eve, where I have the perfect example of the most mature, disciplined, and manliest man in history: Jesus Christ. It seems that even though Jesus was born around this time and receiving most of the presents, I received a present from Him. That present is an outline. An outline of true discipline, and the answer to my "manhood" problem. For the Christian man, whether single or otherwise, I need to have control over my physical appetite and sexual desires. I need to guard my emotions and keep my moods from wavering so drastically. I need to guard my speech and keep a reign on my tongue. No one said that discipline is easy...in fact it's just the opposite. But I want more in life than just my own self-gratification. I want to be pleasing to others, and I want to be pleasing to God. I want to be a respectable figure amongst my friends and family. I want to be a true pillar of strength for those that need me to be. For that, I must work harder than I ever have. I must deny myself daily, carry my cross with my head held high, and walk the path that Jesus walked before me. If you have faith in God and believe that Jesus sacrificed himself that we might have eternal life, we get a free pass to Heaven. But God doesn't want just that for us. God wants the true warriors for His Kingdom...ones that have dedicated their lives to working on earth for His cause. God wants the battle-scarred soldier to enter into Heaven, not softies floating up on clouds. Imagine the joy of getting to Heaven after living a life of intense discipline on earth. Imagine seeing God on the Day of Judgment...and then imagine Him smile at what you've accomplished. "WELL done, my good and faithful servant!" Now imagine you just accepted the Jesus Present, and have your golden ticket to Heaven. Imagine seeing God on the Day of Judgment. Instead of smiling this time, He says, "Well, because you believed in Me, you get to go to Heaven...but you didn't live your life for Me after accepting the gift of salvation. Shame on you." Of course, I could be wrong in some of this, but hopefully you get the idea. I know what I want to hear when I get to Heaven. In order for me to hear God say well done, I know what I need to be. The appetite...the emotions...the moods...the speech...ALL need to be God-honoring and then some. God has given me gifts of encouragement, strength, and speaking to others in this way. I refuse to waste those gifts anymore. As Pillar says, stand beside or step aside, I'm on the front line. Now watch me fly. The time is now.

Merry Christmas to everyone...remember your Savior this day :)

Differences

Again, thanks to all who read. Just gettin' my thoughts out there :)

So this summer, I've really gotten to catch up on my game show watching. Welcome to jobless and unmotivated. But the other day when going through my typical lineup on the game show network, I noticed something...a difference. At 6:30, a show called Baggage came on. It's basically the dating game with a twist. You have 1 bachelor(ette) and 3 suitors, if you will. The twist is that with each "round" the 3 suitors reveal a secret about themselves such as "I have 15 dogs" or "I refuse to have sex before marriage" (which I find an absolute tragedy that a principle so Biblically-grounded is considered baggage in this day and age. Awful.). And based on how much "baggage" they think they can handle, the person will pick someone to go out on a date with them. That's the gist of it. Sometimes I don't even know why I watch it...but I get giggles from it on occasion.

Then at 7:00, Deal or no Deal comes on. Hopefully enough of us have seen it to know how it works. Basically, you can win money. But I'm fairly certain that the interviewing process is pretty rigorous because they typically don't have ordinary people on the show. There's always some kind of gimmick with the contestant. One of the contestants really loved the color lime green, so they turned all the lights in the room to lime green and the models' dresses were lime green. But Deal or no Deal really goes out of their way for contestants they feel are really deserving. One person had 3 goals...I forget what the first 2 were, but the last one was to fly his parents over from the Philippines because he hasn't seen them in 3 years and they hadn't met his fiancee yet. So...NBC flies them over and surprises him. Great moment.

But even more than that, some of these contestants really want to do good deeds with their money. Some people aspire to give a portion to the church or a charity. Some play for the money not for themselves but for their parents or children or siblings. Christians or not, they have noble causes and deserved to be applauded for what they aspire to do.

I found it interesting that these two shows came on one right after the other, and it brings me to the point of this note. What a difference between these two shows. First you have the ENTIRELY self-seeking show Baggage, at the end of which you end up with a girl or guy that you may not even like due to all of the dark secrets they have, and they might not even like you for your own dirty laundry. So by the end of the whole process, most of the contestants are probably left back at the same spot they were in. Then you have Deal or no Deal, arguably the most philanthropic game show out there. They go out of their way entirely to welcome in the contestant and try to encourage them as much as possible. Granted, they have the NBC financing to go along with it, but they still do it. And almost all of the contestants are respectable people with respectable goals and aspirations. By the end of the show, the contestant would hopefully walk away with a large sum of money. Of course some would go out and buy themselves a new car right off the bat...that's inevitable. But many others on that show give a large portion to other people and continue with their lives right where they left off, feeling a little more fulfilled.

I could give more examples, but the point's been made. What about us? There are two ends of this spectrum with only a little wiggle room in between. One end has the prideful man seeking to build his own empire here on earth, seeking a beautiful queen to accompany him on his throne as he rules all he surveys. The other end has the humble man who give of himself without flaunting it, all the while storing up his treasures in Heaven where they belong. I'll ask a question here...when does God ask us to be concerned with ourselves? He only warns us of ONE thing that we need to concern ourselves with, and that is fleeing from Satan. When we do that, all other things are taken care of. Wisdom comes in fleeing from Satan daily and running towards God and His provisions. Does God ask us to be concerned with finances? Jesus told his disciples to preach the message "Freely you have received, freely give" in Matthew 10:8. Does God ask us to be concerned about the future? Matthew 6:34 - "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." In fact, read the last part of Matthew 6 if you feel so lead. Basically Jesus says not to even worry about food. Wow. We need food to live...and Jesus says not to worry about it. It's because when we worry about this, we're wasting our energy on trying to gratify ourselves. And yes, in the America we live in, food is more of a gratification than a need. Especially for the college kids like me who have meal plans and at least 4 different eateries ON campus. We don't need to worry about food, so why do we do it? God's commands are clear. We waste so much energy on pleasing ourselves that we forget that someone is hurting 5 feet away from us. We forget that most of our "needs" are often "wants", and there are plenty of others around us who have legitimate needs. 

I know I need to evaluate myself. I've done a lot of talking but it's test time. Putting aside the context of the shows and rather the principles (seeing as how I have a loving girlfriend), am I more likely to end up on Baggage or on Deal or no Deal? I like to say that I enjoy helping others, and I do. But I don't do it NEARLY as often as I need to. Especially over the summer, I spend a majority if not all of my day pleasing myself. Playing video games, just lounging around, making myself a sandwich whenever I hear the faintest rumbling in my stomach. I may have grilled for my parents once or twice this summer, but I almost always grilled because I know I'd get good food out of it. With the lifestyle I've been living, I'd say I'm a perfect fit for Baggage. Unfortunate, because God's calling me over to change some lives on Deal or no Deal. That's where I need to be.

Father God, forgive me for my selfishness. There is so much You bless me with daily that I take for granted and use for self-gratification. Give me wisdom to act according to Your commands. Give me the courage and boldness required to live the lifestyle You would have me live. Let me use the talents and blessings You've given me as something that would benefit others. Amen.

Your turn.

Thoughts on selfishness and motivation

I don't expect everyone to read this...it's kinda long. But thank you to anyone who does.

The past 5 months have been really trying for me. By far, my worst semester to date...not grade-wise, but work and stress-wise. I still remember one night I threw up because of how much stress I was put under. People that know me know that that is NOT me. So that led to a summer which was looking up for me. Got my scholarship back, had a fantastic internship lined up, school was over, life was good. Then I didn't get the position for the internship. So that led to me trying to figure out what to do for the rest of the summer. Job searching off and on, but nothing. And here I sit, still jobless.

But I still had a website to work on which in my opinion, should be done right now. But it's not, simply because I haven't had the motivation to work. Not having a job to go to was really hard, and made it really difficult to maintain a good schedule. My days typically consist of going to bed around 3 AM, waking up at 1 PM, and not doing much of anything in between. Some nights I would have a softball game to go to...so I guess that was something? Yeah, some life.

But all summer I've been searching for my motivation...wondering what happened to the workaholic of the past semester. Yeah, it was nice to have a break, and I think I was entitled to one. But now it's July, and I've barely done a thing. I tried to blame it on other things. "Well, it's hard living at home with my parents...I just don't feel like working here....Well, my computer's out in the open where the TV is....I bet if I had an office I'd be more motivated!" All excuses. The problem is me whether I like it or not. So tonight I thought about it in a car ride home with my dad...and I thought of the answer.

The problem is selfishness. I've been doing things all summer that I want to do (emphatic voice on the "I"). Staying up late, waking up late, playing games and watching TV in between. It's not really a good feeling to live like that, but at the same time it's what I want. I want to be lazy and relax and not have to worry about work. Face it, don't we all REALLY want that? No work, no responsibilities, just all of our needs taken care of.

This isn't a respectable way to live. I claim to be a Christian, therefore my energies need to be focused on pleasing God. But recently we haven't been on the same page. God keeps showing me the path of what He wants. He shows His path for me through opportunities to work on websites and to serve others in that way. But like I said before...I lost my motivation and just chose to be lazy. I'm going to be brutally honest here...sometimes it's really hard to serve God simply because He's not tangible. Maybe it's a lack of faith on my part? I'm sure that's part of it...but don't we all face this dilemma? Think about it...how many times have we chosen our own path and strayed from God simply because He's not physically standing beside us? And He works in ways we don't understand. God's just mystic like that. So...pray for me in that regard.

I said before that I found an answer to my motivation problem, but never really explained it. All these thoughts came to me as I drove home from a softball practice for the sheriff's department with my dad. Even though it was just a practice, I was probably the standout player there. I was definitely the youngest and fastest, hit the ball farther than anyone else with seeming ease, made a few fancy defensive plays, and the like. (Sidenote, those of you who think I'm bragging, stop. I'm just telling it like it was. In a note trying to correct my selfishness, I'm definitely not going to put myself up on a pedestal. Sorry if I seem annoyed about it, but I hate having to defend myself as I often have in the past.) Anyway, I definitely got my baseball/softball skills from my dad. He played ball his whole life and was always good. But he's 62 now...and it was really hard watching him commit a few simple errors on fairly basic plays. In the car ride back, he was saying how hard it was accepting that he's 62...I just said "Yeah, me too." 

My dad is in great shape for his age, but just like me his days are numbered. It's really hard to think about that...especially for me because I'm so close to my dad. But I definitely know how much I love to please him and make him proud. 

This is the answer to my motivation problem. I lost my motivation because I became selfish and self-seeking. I know that I'm probably going to get about 30 years maximum with my dad...and I want to make him proud. I love hearing him say that. The last time that I really remember was my sophomore year at college. I called him to tell him that I wasn't going to continue to try out for the baseball team. I didn't know what exactly he would say...all I wanted was his approval, because I secretly wanted to do it so that my dad could see his son play college ball. But he told me that I got farther with baseball than he ever did......and that he was proud of me. I almost started crying over the phone...much like I am right now.

I can't continue living like this. This self-seeking, self-pleasing attitude that I have has to change. I've proven to myself that I'm not getting anywhere as long as I'm looking to please myself. I want to truly make something of myself...but not for me. The only thing I want is to hear my dad say "I'm proud of you, son." This means I'm on the right path, and he's happy. I don't just want him to say it just because I want to hear it...I want him to say it because I've earned it. It's time to change. Not because I want to, but because I have to. It's my duty and my responsibility to be a man and not a boy.

Father God, blaze the path, and I will walk. Dad....I'm gonna make you proud.