I don't expect everyone to read this...it's kinda long. But thank you to anyone who does.
The past 5 months have been really trying for me. By far, my worst semester to date...not grade-wise, but work and stress-wise. I still remember one night I threw up because of how much stress I was put under. People that know me know that that is NOT me. So that led to a summer which was looking up for me. Got my scholarship back, had a fantastic internship lined up, school was over, life was good. Then I didn't get the position for the internship. So that led to me trying to figure out what to do for the rest of the summer. Job searching off and on, but nothing. And here I sit, still jobless.
But I still had a website to work on which in my opinion, should be done right now. But it's not, simply because I haven't had the motivation to work. Not having a job to go to was really hard, and made it really difficult to maintain a good schedule. My days typically consist of going to bed around 3 AM, waking up at 1 PM, and not doing much of anything in between. Some nights I would have a softball game to go to...so I guess that was something? Yeah, some life.
But all summer I've been searching for my motivation...wondering what happened to the workaholic of the past semester. Yeah, it was nice to have a break, and I think I was entitled to one. But now it's July, and I've barely done a thing. I tried to blame it on other things. "Well, it's hard living at home with my parents...I just don't feel like working here....Well, my computer's out in the open where the TV is....I bet if I had an office I'd be more motivated!" All excuses. The problem is me whether I like it or not. So tonight I thought about it in a car ride home with my dad...and I thought of the answer.
The problem is selfishness. I've been doing things all summer that I want to do (emphatic voice on the "I"). Staying up late, waking up late, playing games and watching TV in between. It's not really a good feeling to live like that, but at the same time it's what I want. I want to be lazy and relax and not have to worry about work. Face it, don't we all REALLY want that? No work, no responsibilities, just all of our needs taken care of.
This isn't a respectable way to live. I claim to be a Christian, therefore my energies need to be focused on pleasing God. But recently we haven't been on the same page. God keeps showing me the path of what He wants. He shows His path for me through opportunities to work on websites and to serve others in that way. But like I said before...I lost my motivation and just chose to be lazy. I'm going to be brutally honest here...sometimes it's really hard to serve God simply because He's not tangible. Maybe it's a lack of faith on my part? I'm sure that's part of it...but don't we all face this dilemma? Think about it...how many times have we chosen our own path and strayed from God simply because He's not physically standing beside us? And He works in ways we don't understand. God's just mystic like that. So...pray for me in that regard.
I said before that I found an answer to my motivation problem, but never really explained it. All these thoughts came to me as I drove home from a softball practice for the sheriff's department with my dad. Even though it was just a practice, I was probably the standout player there. I was definitely the youngest and fastest, hit the ball farther than anyone else with seeming ease, made a few fancy defensive plays, and the like. (Sidenote, those of you who think I'm bragging, stop. I'm just telling it like it was. In a note trying to correct my selfishness, I'm definitely not going to put myself up on a pedestal. Sorry if I seem annoyed about it, but I hate having to defend myself as I often have in the past.) Anyway, I definitely got my baseball/softball skills from my dad. He played ball his whole life and was always good. But he's 62 now...and it was really hard watching him commit a few simple errors on fairly basic plays. In the car ride back, he was saying how hard it was accepting that he's 62...I just said "Yeah, me too."
My dad is in great shape for his age, but just like me his days are numbered. It's really hard to think about that...especially for me because I'm so close to my dad. But I definitely know how much I love to please him and make him proud.
This is the answer to my motivation problem. I lost my motivation because I became selfish and self-seeking. I know that I'm probably going to get about 30 years maximum with my dad...and I want to make him proud. I love hearing him say that. The last time that I really remember was my sophomore year at college. I called him to tell him that I wasn't going to continue to try out for the baseball team. I didn't know what exactly he would say...all I wanted was his approval, because I secretly wanted to do it so that my dad could see his son play college ball. But he told me that I got farther with baseball than he ever did......and that he was proud of me. I almost started crying over the phone...much like I am right now.
I can't continue living like this. This self-seeking, self-pleasing attitude that I have has to change. I've proven to myself that I'm not getting anywhere as long as I'm looking to please myself. I want to truly make something of myself...but not for me. The only thing I want is to hear my dad say "I'm proud of you, son." This means I'm on the right path, and he's happy. I don't just want him to say it just because I want to hear it...I want him to say it because I've earned it. It's time to change. Not because I want to, but because I have to. It's my duty and my responsibility to be a man and not a boy.
Father God, blaze the path, and I will walk. Dad....I'm gonna make you proud.
