PREFACE: I'm going to tag a bunch of people in this...people that may or may not be interested in what I write in the "Cran Journal of Theological Meditations", as dubbed by Bill. So don't feel the need to read the note, and you can untag yourself if you desire and I won't be offended...this is just my way of letting people that MAY be interested know that I wrote something. And also I'm sorry if I missed someone in my tagging...hopefully God will send it your way despite my overlooking (and Facebook only lets me tag 30 people maximum. Facebook fail). And with that...
Sometimes I find myself asking this question. One day I feel as though everything is going my way...I'm living for God, my heart is on fire, things just seem to be going well. Then all of a sudden I'm left saying "What happened?" A surprise attack hits me. Seemingly out of nowhere, I find myself not praying, getting angry at small things, being depressed, being lazy, and so on. And I'm sure we all ask this from time to time, but I know I'm asking this right now. And I want answers.
So this is approximately...7-8 months post-graduation? Definitely been quite a whirlwind the past few months. Already on my second corporate job after a horrible first experience. Presently, I find myself still living at home, still single, working every day from 9-6, going home, going to bed and doing it all over again. Not terribly exciting and honestly a little depressing. My spiritual life has been very up and very down at different times. I knew this winter would be a challenge for this boy of the summer, because I managed to find God in a cool new way: taking bike rides to my new prayer place and really connecting with God through nature. Now that it's winter, I leave before the sun really comes up and come home after the sun has already set. And it's cold...so not really good biking conditions for my taste.
But there was one thing about the summer that I lack right now...I sought God passionately. Recent days, I would pray that God would show Himself to me as I casually sit in my cubicle. Over the summer, I pulled out my bike and I went out into nature to look for God and even talk out loud to Him. Yes, not having a job for most of the summer made this easier, but now that it's winter and I work so much I don't get to do this anymore.
And it's one hit after another. Since I wasn't as passionate as I used to find myself, I tried to adjust. But then little by little, it seemed like I was fighting a losing battle. Difficulties in adjusting to the world as we know it and being the "Christian in the corporation" was hardening my heart. Feelings of lonliness started to set in as I wouldn't really associate with all of my close brothers and sisters as much as I used to. But worst of all, I kept feeling guilt and anger that I was struggling so much with just BEING a Christian. "What happened?"
Well, I had time to think today since I skipped church due to no other reason than just my own laziness of not wanting to get out of bed. And as I was driving to Five Guys for lunch, that question popped in my head. What happened to my passion for God? Recently I've also felt that I've been offending/angering people with whatever I say and I feel like I have to walk on eggshells sometimes. What happened to the man that was comfortable in his own skin? Darn it, what HAPPENED??? But as I thought, the more a few truths became evident to me.
1) God loves me. Obvious? Of course, but sometimes easy to forget. But no matter how many times I fall and mess up, no matter how many times I even KNOWINGLY disobey God, He still loves me for the man He created me to be. I'm sure God loves so much that it hurts...even to the point that He had to turn away from Jesus on the cross. That couldn't have been easy...even for Almighty God. But God is bigger than any situation and can handle anything, which brings up the next truth:
2) Surrender is stronger. Undone by FFH is one of my favorite songs because of the chorus that gets thumped into your brain, "Come undone / surrender is stronger / I don't need to be the hero tonight / We all want love / We all want honor / Nobody wants to pay the asking price". Love...honor...isn't that the cry of my heart? Isn't that the place I want to get back to? So what's this asking price they're talking about? Surrender. Come undone. All this time I feel like I've been failing God's mission, like I haven't been measuring up. Let me be honest, even as I write this, I still have doubts. Doubts that I'm not saying what I want to say. Doubts that what I'm saying will even connect with anyone. Doubts that God's nots pleased. I never used to have such doubts. Again...what happened?
Satan got a foothold...that's what happened. And how crafty the devil is. All this time I've been working tirelessly because I want to please God. With my new job, I want to be a light to my co-workers and to my friends as well. I've been strategizing and trying to figure out when the best time is to bring up a "religious" conversation. And in all irony, I've been wanting to please God so much that THIS became my god, and I left God completely out of the picture. What happened? Satan happened. But I have an answer now.
Full surrender. Give it up. I've been trying to fix myself for so long. I want to please God and I want God to be happy with what I do. When I feel as though I'm not measuring up or living in sin, I say "uh oh" and try to make adjustments rather than giving it over to One who is more capable and equipped. "Ah Lord GOD! behold, thou hast made the heaven and the earth by thy great power and stretched out arm, and there is nothing too hard for thee." - Jeremiah 32:17. And I have a wonderful image to live by. Close to a year ago, God gave me the image of a white knight that has never left my mind. A strong, valiant warrior who fights against the enemy and fearlessly stares down the face of death. At the end of a knight's battle, if he has lived, he returns to his home as a hero. Yet he still has one thing on his mind. He marches straight into the castle, still bloodied and beaten, walks straight before the king sitting on his throne...and takes a knee. This is the most beautiful image I can truly imagine...the White Knight, beaten and bruised, bowing before the King with a warm smile on His face. The King is the source, the reason the Knight battles. And with this King, there's no such thing as a loss or failure. The battle is already won.
In an instance where I felt God was talking directly to me, I came across 1 Timothy 6:11-12 - "But thou, O man of God, flee these things; and follow after righteousness, godliness, faith, love, patience, meekness. Fight the good fight of faith, lay hold on eternal life, whereunto thou art also called, and hast professed a good profession before many witnesses." An operative word in there is "follow". God gives me the strength to fight evil, but it's only through God that we succeed. Only when we take things in our own hands do we find weakness and even cowardice. When a knight fights for no one but himself, he is a mercenary, a savage. When a knight fights for his loved ones and lays his life on the blade for his King, he is a noble warrior. I AM the White Knight. No one can ever take that identity away from me, least of all the father of lies. We may get knocked down, but when Satan knocks us down, we're just that much closer to being on our knees before our Holy King who requires nothing of us but to follow Him. And now the path I have to take is simply to wait for God to move and move with Him.
And for everyone reading this...what about you? I know that I'm not the only one who gets blindsided by Satan. I pray that you can apply my situation to your own life and be that much closer to God, and that much further away from yourself and from Satan.
"No weapon that is formed against thee shall prosper; and every tongue that shall rise against thee in judgment thou shalt condemn. This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD, and their righteousness is of me, saith the LORD." - Isaiah 54:17
Praise God that I don't need to ask my question anymore...I have my answer.
Sometimes I find myself asking this question. One day I feel as though everything is going my way...I'm living for God, my heart is on fire, things just seem to be going well. Then all of a sudden I'm left saying "What happened?" A surprise attack hits me. Seemingly out of nowhere, I find myself not praying, getting angry at small things, being depressed, being lazy, and so on. And I'm sure we all ask this from time to time, but I know I'm asking this right now. And I want answers.
So this is approximately...7-8 months post-graduation? Definitely been quite a whirlwind the past few months. Already on my second corporate job after a horrible first experience. Presently, I find myself still living at home, still single, working every day from 9-6, going home, going to bed and doing it all over again. Not terribly exciting and honestly a little depressing. My spiritual life has been very up and very down at different times. I knew this winter would be a challenge for this boy of the summer, because I managed to find God in a cool new way: taking bike rides to my new prayer place and really connecting with God through nature. Now that it's winter, I leave before the sun really comes up and come home after the sun has already set. And it's cold...so not really good biking conditions for my taste.
But there was one thing about the summer that I lack right now...I sought God passionately. Recent days, I would pray that God would show Himself to me as I casually sit in my cubicle. Over the summer, I pulled out my bike and I went out into nature to look for God and even talk out loud to Him. Yes, not having a job for most of the summer made this easier, but now that it's winter and I work so much I don't get to do this anymore.
And it's one hit after another. Since I wasn't as passionate as I used to find myself, I tried to adjust. But then little by little, it seemed like I was fighting a losing battle. Difficulties in adjusting to the world as we know it and being the "Christian in the corporation" was hardening my heart. Feelings of lonliness started to set in as I wouldn't really associate with all of my close brothers and sisters as much as I used to. But worst of all, I kept feeling guilt and anger that I was struggling so much with just BEING a Christian. "What happened?"
Well, I had time to think today since I skipped church due to no other reason than just my own laziness of not wanting to get out of bed. And as I was driving to Five Guys for lunch, that question popped in my head. What happened to my passion for God? Recently I've also felt that I've been offending/angering people with whatever I say and I feel like I have to walk on eggshells sometimes. What happened to the man that was comfortable in his own skin? Darn it, what HAPPENED??? But as I thought, the more a few truths became evident to me.
1) God loves me. Obvious? Of course, but sometimes easy to forget. But no matter how many times I fall and mess up, no matter how many times I even KNOWINGLY disobey God, He still loves me for the man He created me to be. I'm sure God loves so much that it hurts...even to the point that He had to turn away from Jesus on the cross. That couldn't have been easy...even for Almighty God. But God is bigger than any situation and can handle anything, which brings up the next truth:
2) Surrender is stronger. Undone by FFH is one of my favorite songs because of the chorus that gets thumped into your brain, "Come undone / surrender is stronger / I don't need to be the hero tonight / We all want love / We all want honor / Nobody wants to pay the asking price". Love...honor...isn't that the cry of my heart? Isn't that the place I want to get back to? So what's this asking price they're talking about? Surrender. Come undone. All this time I feel like I've been failing God's mission, like I haven't been measuring up. Let me be honest, even as I write this, I still have doubts. Doubts that I'm not saying what I want to say. Doubts that what I'm saying will even connect with anyone. Doubts that God's nots pleased. I never used to have such doubts. Again...what happened?
Satan got a foothold...that's what happened. And how crafty the devil is. All this time I've been working tirelessly because I want to please God. With my new job, I want to be a light to my co-workers and to my friends as well. I've been strategizing and trying to figure out when the best time is to bring up a "religious" conversation. And in all irony, I've been wanting to please God so much that THIS became my god, and I left God completely out of the picture. What happened? Satan happened. But I have an answer now.
Full surrender. Give it up. I've been trying to fix myself for so long. I want to please God and I want God to be happy with what I do. When I feel as though I'm not measuring up or living in sin, I say "uh oh" and try to make adjustments rather than giving it over to One who is more capable and equipped. "Ah Lord GOD! behold, thou hast made the heaven and the earth by thy great power and stretched out arm, and there is nothing too hard for thee." - Jeremiah 32:17. And I have a wonderful image to live by. Close to a year ago, God gave me the image of a white knight that has never left my mind. A strong, valiant warrior who fights against the enemy and fearlessly stares down the face of death. At the end of a knight's battle, if he has lived, he returns to his home as a hero. Yet he still has one thing on his mind. He marches straight into the castle, still bloodied and beaten, walks straight before the king sitting on his throne...and takes a knee. This is the most beautiful image I can truly imagine...the White Knight, beaten and bruised, bowing before the King with a warm smile on His face. The King is the source, the reason the Knight battles. And with this King, there's no such thing as a loss or failure. The battle is already won.
In an instance where I felt God was talking directly to me, I came across 1 Timothy 6:11-12 - "But thou, O man of God, flee these things; and follow after righteousness, godliness, faith, love, patience, meekness. Fight the good fight of faith, lay hold on eternal life, whereunto thou art also called, and hast professed a good profession before many witnesses." An operative word in there is "follow". God gives me the strength to fight evil, but it's only through God that we succeed. Only when we take things in our own hands do we find weakness and even cowardice. When a knight fights for no one but himself, he is a mercenary, a savage. When a knight fights for his loved ones and lays his life on the blade for his King, he is a noble warrior. I AM the White Knight. No one can ever take that identity away from me, least of all the father of lies. We may get knocked down, but when Satan knocks us down, we're just that much closer to being on our knees before our Holy King who requires nothing of us but to follow Him. And now the path I have to take is simply to wait for God to move and move with Him.
And for everyone reading this...what about you? I know that I'm not the only one who gets blindsided by Satan. I pray that you can apply my situation to your own life and be that much closer to God, and that much further away from yourself and from Satan.
"No weapon that is formed against thee shall prosper; and every tongue that shall rise against thee in judgment thou shalt condemn. This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD, and their righteousness is of me, saith the LORD." - Isaiah 54:17
Praise God that I don't need to ask my question anymore...I have my answer.
