Well, so much for going to bed at a decent time. I'm just starting this one at 2:12 a.m., and i'm waking up in 6 hours. Oh well, I want this to be written down because I feel like it's almost haunting me.
It's weird how these thoughts come to me when I have a paper to do. Simple 3-pager, but this thought in my mind is just overwhelming right now that I need to get out. It's based off of a verse that is still going up on my "favorite verses" list: Matthew 16:26 "What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul? Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul?" It's so weird how this verse came to me through what was arguably the silliest skit that my missions team did in Peru for the past 3 summers, but it's affected me greatly and has caused deep troubling inside of me.
Well, the thought hit me again after the church service today when the guest speaker was preaching on the first 10-12 verses of Matthew 5, a.k.a. the Beatitudes. The speaker clearly outlined how there is a flow to the blessings that Jesus issued to the crowd...I found it rather intriguing. It shows the step-by-step process of what we must do to live like Jesus and to wholeheartedly follow him. First, we must come to the realization that none of our worldly possessions matter...it all belongs to God. The speaker even went as far as to say that our relationships don't even matter for us since everything is God's (which, sitting next to my girlfriend, I felt a little uncomfortable hearing...haha). But upon this realization, we mourn. And Jesus then promises us that those who mourn will be comforted. Not necessarily by what's around us, but the promise of God is there to comfort us. Next comes meekness, which the speaker described not as powerlessness, but as a surrender of power. This involves such incredible humility, which I continue to struggle with every day, and probably will my whole life. Anyway, the passage goes on and climaxes at "Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God." We need to humble ourselves greatly, so far that we give freely of ourselves to go out and create peace and social order in circles that we establish ourselves in.
Ok, well I guess that was a little message inside of another. It's hard not to go into tangents at these hours. But after the service, I got into thinking about following Jesus and what it takes. I know it takes a heck of a lot more than what I've been putting in. I think my attitude recently has been self-seeking and somewhat distant from God. I find that strange, especially because of the high spirits I've been in for the past month. 12/28/08, that's when Mindi and I started dating...she's absolutely wonderful. I told her before that I want to be a better person because of her...I want to give her the very best I can because I feel she deserves it. And she does deserve it. And I thought I've been doing a pretty good job of it too, but I'm still haunted. I'm also reminded of something that Dan told me to be cautious of, and I know I haven't been guarding well against, and that's where my focus is at. Who do I ultimately what to be a better person for? It SHOULD be God...it hasn't been. That's where this whole self-seeking attitude has come from. It's come from misdirection in my life.
I've recently been asking myself what's wrong with me. I've questioned myself as a man, and I wonder where my fire went. Well, my Sunday climaxed with my paper that still needed to be done, and I turned on some music. First just some instrumental stuff, then I let my mind wander and decided to turn on music with words to it. I started to play my favorite TobyMac song, Lose My Soul. The entire song is the same message that Jesus preached in Matthew 16:26, just put in Laymen's terms for the common mind to comprehend. The simple chorus is "I don't wanna gain the whole world and lose my soul." I hear it all the time and I go into thought every time I hear it, but something different happened this time. When I heard the chorus, I felt completely empty inside. I sat back in my chair and just...felt it. It didn't feel good. Pieces of the puzzle came together in Toby's song and I began thinking....again.
What do I deserve? Do I deserve mercy? Do I deserve grace? A savior? A second chance? I deserve none of them. But I received all of them. Why? Because God loves me that much to do it. And what do I decide to do with it all? I decide to toss it into the hellfire and live as if nothing changed. How can I possibly crawl back, kissing God's feet saying "oh crap, sorry God, I screwed up again...forgive me?" But he still says yes! YES I'll forgive you! Now LIVE for me! Act like you actually want to be a better man! Act like the son of God that I want you to be! And I ask myself....why do I always make it so difficult? Heh....I just don't know. I see the blessings all around me, and the blessings that I can't see are eternal. But I still know they're there. I've been living my life in order so that I can gain the world. I've been too busy trying to impress people, show off, and physically accomplish as much as possible without being a peacemaker and aiming for the kingdom of Heaven.
And this is what happens to all of us. Yeah we see the rich get richer and the poor get poorer, and we see the evil prosper while the righteous get knocked down. Isn't that the promise though? "Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven." Our reward's not here. It comes later. The evil reap their rewards now while they still can. They won't get to take anything with them except for the long list of all the people they stepped on so they could be at the top. And they get to present that to God at the Judgment. These are the people we need to reach out to. And this is also what we need to guard ourselves against, ESPECIALLY in this prosperous country of America. Reach out to those who are begging for their real purpose in life, even if they don't know it.
As for me, I need to do the same. I still need to find where my real focus goes. I know exactly where it's supposed to be, it's just not there right now. I need to re-ignite my disciplined life that I once lived to be the true man that God wants me to be. I need to be deserving of a girl like Mindi. I don't deserve her, but I sure consider myself lucky to have her. She's more of a blessing to me than she might know. And I want to be the best I can be for her...but it starts vertically. Pray for me in this quest of mine to find my discipline and be back on the same page with God.
"What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul? Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul?"
I now know, because of when I actually made the exchange. I'm not doing it again.
