Reflections on turning 24

Wow...time is flying way too fast. I mean seriously, just yesterday I was a freshman in college. The day before that I was in high school. Now I'm working full-time, have my own place, and my "youth" has passed me. I'm now 24, and I'm a full-fledged adult. Wow.

I just want to take this time to reflect on the past year(s), and equip myself for the year ahead. At this time last year, I got my first experience of the corporate environment...and I couldn't wait to get out of it. What a horrible experience. But I know God led me there, and then God led me somewhere else. But at this point, I was in major transition. I just graduated from college and was trying to figure out what the heck I wanted to do with my life. I missed my college friends and environment, and I felt alone and trapped living in Halifax, far away from pretty much anything. But, I had the opportunity to read and relax, and was able to find God in cool ways through my bike rides through the countryside. And then in November, I began working for my current job, into which I'm now almost 9 months. Then in March, after much prayer God finally led me to my own place in Mechanicsburg and my new church family just outside my door. God led me here for 4 reasons I found: to learn about myself, develop my relationship with God, realize contentment with singleness, and improve my relationship with my mom. And to some degrees, I've achieved some of these. Distance between my mom and I has allowed us to talk more civilly, and I'm MOSTLY content with singleness but I have those days (tonight being one of them) where loneliness sets in and I just wish I had someone to be with.

So the two other things were to learn about myself and develop my relationship with God. Learn about myself...well, what do I mean by that? I mean, you'd think with me being an only child that I'd know by now, given all the time I spent with myself. But see, through growing up and even in college, I was often defined by my friends. Depending on what group of friends I was around I would act differently, say different things, and stuff like that. Because of this, I always felt kind of unnatural, always wondering who I REALLY am. And my identity was established by God through the calling of the White Knight, but I never had the opportunity to explore this in greater depth. Ever since I moved over here I've been busy with work and other activities that I never took a whole lot of time to myself. And that leads into my relationship with God, which hasn't improved like I envisioned. I still find myself on a lot of highs and lows, which gets frustrating after awhile. My busy schedule has led me to place events and activities with friends above time with God. I've been disobeying the command in Psalm 46, "Be still and know that I am God." And it's not even that I've been wasting too much time...I don't have a tv connection in my apartment and my Wii hasn't been hooked up since I moved in. So in this next year, it's vital that I keep growing naturally, but truly exercise my faith by learning as much about my Savior as I possibly can.

And to go along with that, this is what I envision for age 24. I want this to be a year marked by hard work. Not work that eventually kills me in the long run, but hard work that will improve my overall life quality and help me realize my goals. Physically speaking, there are a lot of things that I want to accomplish. I'm SO thankful for my buddy Kyle...he brought me along to Planet Fitness, and he's helping me live a physically healthy lifestyle. I've gotten SO much stronger in just 3 1/2 months, to the point where I'm seeing a definite change in my body structure than just a few months before. But I have a list of goals I want to accomplish physically, spiritually, and in other areas.

1) I want to finish a warrior dash (or multiple). They're the 5K runs through the mud. I would have looked into them this past summer, but I haven't been training for that kind of conditioning. I would love to hold those medals on me and say "Yes...I did that." And they look insanely fun too.
2) I want to excel beyond my past skill in baseball. Recently I've felt a calling to return to the ballfield, but in a different venue: baseball ministry. I still don't know how this will take form, but this is also something I have to figure out (see goal #3). But I want to return to my past form and continue excelling beyond that. I want to be content with the knowledge that I could hold my own in the minor leagues (and who knows, maybe try out someday) :)
3) Take a UPI missions trip. UPI is Unlimited Potential Inc., and they do short-term missions trips to different countries to do baseball clinics and stuff like that. This seems like a really neat opportunity, and I think I would get a great deal of insight from taking one of these trips. So if the Lord allows, I will take one of these trips next year and find out more about my dream of baseball ministry.
4) Schedule God-time. This may be the most important thing of all. In order to do anything with ministry, I need to have God by my side and I need to be seeking His counsel every day. And I can't do that if I don't spend time with Him. Today in Sunday School we learned about praying continually, which means being in constant contact with God. We don't have to spend an hour at a time on our knees talking out loud, but God needs to invade every part of our lives, to the point where serving isn't even a thought but a reaction. I just saw a friend's facebook status, saying he talked about theology with a homeless man for a half hour. Know what I did tonight? I saw a lady on my way home that needed a ride somewhere...not sure what her story was, but she needed a ride. And I blew right by her. I often relate my personality to that of Peter in the gospels...well, tonight I felt like him. I felt like Peter in that moment when Jesus' bloody face looked at him after the disowning when the rooster crowed. And just like Peter did, I sat in my car at my apartment and wept bitterly.

It's so easy to put on a Christian t-shirt (which I was wearing tonight) and listen to Christian music (which I was listening to on my right home), and try to live without God's heart. It's far too easy to do that. We don't get judged, we don't get hurt by others, and we're just another face in the crowd that goes about his/her business. THAT'S NOT WHAT THIS LIFE IS ABOUT! This life is about full service, full surrender, total praise to our King. And I've tried many times to serve God on my own will and power. It just doesn't work that way...we need GOD in order to serve God! So while I want to work hard at tasks I have in front of me, I want my directive to be set. I can't even look in the mirror at myself right now because of my shame from tonight. I prayed "God, I can't believe you could love me. I don't even deserve to breathe. I just don't get how you love me." And I don't know if I'll ever truly understand. But y'know what? It doesn't matter if I understand it or not...all I have to do is believe it. And it's easy to believe it, because it's sitting right in the most quoted verse in history: "FOR GOD SO LOVED THE WORLD THAT..." That's the proof...God loves us, end of story. I can't understand how I just disregarded His daughter along the side of the road, and yet He loves me and has already forgiven me. It's baffling. But, He still loves...the Bible said so. And so this is the most important part of this coming year and years after. I want to work hard at my relationship with God. It's pathetic to think that he was tortured for me, and I can't even give Him a few minutes a day. I know I often wait on God to say something to me, but I think we call the Bible "God's Word" and forget that He's talking to us whenever we read it. So I've got quite a year ahead of me. Plenty to learn, plenty of room to grow. And God be with me...here I go.


And as a bonus, listen to this song. Whether it has anything to do with this note or not, it doesn't matter...just listen to the song and let it convict you as much as it is me right now. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Ec7ofMOqVM

Ruts

I think this is a really good time for me to write...spontaneity is always the best thing when it comes to writing.

So...lately things haven't been great. Lately as in the past 2 or 3 weeks, but climaxing the past 3 days. My life has been insanely busy as usual, but I found myself making a dangerous mistake...I let my busyness get in the way of my spiritual life. Satan took full advantage...all of a sudden I noticed I wasn't praying fervently, I wasn't in the Word, I was getting increasingly frustrated with work, and things just kept stacking up. So I deliberately took a night away from everything just to reflect on what's been going on.

Yesterday I had an interesting thought pop in my head...I felt as though I was trying to serve God without being close to God. I guess I would "go through the motions" to an extent, but internally I was suffering. I just wasn't letting God have control of my life, and I tried to take over again. Well, I've had plenty of experience of what happens when I try to direct my own life. I mess up quite a bit. I let my temper take over and may God forgive what comes out of my mouth.

So this is me trying to figure out where to go when these ruts happen, because they happen more than I'd like. And granted, I'm blessed with many people who love and care about me, but being an only child and living alone, this is something between me and God alone (I'm just choosing to publish it on my blog :) ). Well allow me to share some thoughts I'm having.

1) Being blessed with athleticism and physicality, I like to relate my spiritual life to physical activity. There are 2 things I can relate to: baseball and weightlifting, so I'll start with baseball. A rut in baseball would be if a batter was slumping, meaning that he's not getting base hits in a long series of at-bats. And of course, I've gone through them, and anyone who's played baseball has gone through them. Sometimes slumps can happen just out of coincidence...nothing really changes, but the ball just isn't finding it's way to the ground. But more often than not, slumps can happen because of just an EXTREMELY small change in mechanics, basically undetectable. This is why I video myself every time I hit the batting cages, so that I can see exactly how I'm swinging and what I need to do to hit the ball better. But this nearly undetectable change can be the difference between a home run and a strikeout. See the parallel?

2) Same goes with weightlifting. I starting lifting with a buddy a little more than 3 months ago, and I've noticed a considerable change in my strength. However, there's a little thing known as "plateauing", when suddenly you aren't seeing considerable increases in strength and weightlifting amounts. This is easily grounds for discouragement. So what do you do? Well, step back and analyze what's going on. For me, I like to stay in a routine if I'm comfortable with it, and that's why plateauing happens. Muscles become accustomed to moving the same way, so you don't get considerable gains after awhile. It's necessary to edit your routine and do something new in order to shock your muscles so that they can continue to grow. So, small edits to a routine...hmmm....

Back to the rut I've been going through. Today is that day where I just have to take a small step back and analyze what's been going on, figure out how to make a change, and move forward. Well, it's like I mentioned before, I was trying to serve God without being close to God. In the Christian life, alone time with God should be the single most important thing that we can do. It's easy to talk about having a relationship with God, but we can't have that relationship if we're not doing anything about it. God's always waiting and always ready for us. "For thou shalt worship no other god: for the Lord, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God" - Exodus 34:14. God loves us...He wants our attention and is always waiting for it. I've heard it said that God isn't going to try to compete with things of this world for our attention. God should expect our attention for no other reason than that He's GOD! Even time with good Christian brothers and sisters is nothing compared to being intimate with God. The thing I need to change in my life is to give my life to God once again, and the only way to do that is to pray and seek daily.

But the great thing I'm learning about going through ruts is that I find that I come out stronger. It makes sense with the parallels also. When you break out of a batting slump, you generally become a much more dangerous hitter than when you were before. When you start to climb out of a plateau in weightlifting, you become MUCH stronger than before. As I'm maturing, I realize that these ruts never last as long as they used to, and I come out of them a stronger man of God than I was previously. Friends, we're promised hard times on this earth. But through these hard times, we can find God in a whole new way and learn about Him and ourselves. My charge to myself and to anyone reading is to embrace the rut that you're in and ask, "What is God trying to teach me through this?" In this case, God is teaching me to come back to Him and to surrender myself to His following. Please pray for me as I'll pray for anyone reading this. And praise God for allowing to go through trials, because we can stand resolutely on the promise of James 1, that we WILL come out stronger.

God's Wildfire

FINALLY!!! I've been waiting for this...another late night with no commitments tomorrow, and God forbid I should go a full month without writing. It's been way too long since I finally sat down to do this. And what better time than the present...wide awake on this late night, and man do I have some things to write about.

It's really ironic that I'm so awake right now. I managed to show quite a bit of energy this week, but this week has been one of the most physically and mentally draining weeks in recent memory. I woke up at 6 AM three times this week to lift before work, then work a mentally-draining 8-5 shift. Give myself 15 minutes to power down a few slices of pizza, and then I helped out with the bus ministry for Vacation Bible School at church at 5:30, and typically didn't get home until about 10:00...at which time was time for bed and doing it all over again. It was so draining and tiring, but I passionately prayed and asked for prayer on Sunday for energy from God to do the work that was in front of me. Not only was I granted this, but I emerged from this week a few things I didn't expect: a renewed life perspective, and the awakening of a dormant wildfire.

I originally volunteered to help out with 2nd-3rd graders because my co-worker was sending her daughter to VBS, and wanted me to be a friendly face for her. So I signed up for this spot, but God steered me in a different direction. I was asked to help with the bus ministry with my friends Joel, Scott, and Jess. The bus goes to an apartment complex that is predominately a black community to pick up kids to bring them to VBS and church on Sundays. It's a rougher "inner-city" crowd in who-knows-what situations...I'm not judging, this is just the way it is. One of the main goals of my presence was to keep the kids in line because, as I learned, they can get extremely rowdy. I ended up taking a part I didn't want to play...the strict-teacher/security guard type person. There were plenty of times the kids just needed to shut their mouths for their own safety on the bus. I had never worked with that kind of crew before, and never even THOUGHT about it in the past. But, this is what I ended up doing.

But God didn't stop here. All of a sudden, I found myself on-stage doing goofy hand motions to the songs that were being sung. Joel and I just made them up because we were bored at the VBS meeting the day before...2 days later, we're on stage doing the same motions and keeping the kids entertained. That was actually more of my comfort zone...I'm used to being a moron :) But such is the nature of all VBSs...you sign up, and you volunteer wherever you can. So I helped (marginally) with snack time, and led one of the (less-popular) games on Friday. But despite all these minor nicks in the armor, God STILL wasn't done! Oh not at all...on Thursday, I felt the Spirit leading me to present a Gospel message to the kids on the bus. Let me recap a few things. First, I've never really worked with kids before. Second, I've actually never presented a Gospel message on my own. Third, these kids are ROWDY! How are they ever going to pay attention??? But sure enough, here I am on this bus, boldly presenting the story of Jesus and the Good News to these kids who may not have heard it before. And I can say boldly without hint of pride because it was all God working through me...He authored that day and my words. And as expected, I had a hard time keeping them quiet and making them stay attentive, but I looked around and saw 2 or 3 that were REALLY paying attention, so I focused my eyes a lot on them and I think the Lord hit them pretty hard when I was done.

But despite my booming voice, the bus was so loud that not everyone who wanted to hear me were able to hear. So the very next day, I was stretched again. Nehemiah, a little boy going into 2nd grade, sits beside me on the bus. And in his precious little voice, asks me, "Can you tell me the story of Jesus again, like you did yesterday?" I could've hugged him until he couldn't breathe anymore. The fact that he asked that showed me that he had been thinking about it ever since I spoke the previous day. He was trying to meditate on Jesus. Then something became evidently clear...something amazing and awe-inspiring...GOD USED ME!!!! I know my sins and my shortcomings (Psalm 51:3 For I acknowledge my transgressions: and my sin is ever before me.), but God chose me to speak to this little boy about Himself despite my shortcomings. I don't believe I ever spoke so boldly and clearly as I did to little Nehemiah. And he soaked in every word that came from the mouth of God through me.

Now getting to my main point, what came out of this week was unforgettable and life-altering. Right now I'm still a guy searching for myself, searching for God, and searching for my true calling and vocation on this earth. I work at a help desk right now in a corporate environment. Something I've learned about the corporate environment is that it's one of the most soul-deadening atmospheres on the planet. There are so many guys that come into work that just look dead when they come in and when they leave. Granted, I don't know their stories. But if I were to judge from how they talk and look, it just looks like they're working for a paycheck because they have to, while killing their souls in the process. It pains me to no end to see this. And all the time I work there, I'm at risk of the same thing. But working for the Lord this week, seeing the energy that flowed through me despite sheer exhaustion, seeing little children learn about God through His words spoken through me, I came out of this week with fire.

Now, fire is mentioned a few times in the Bible. One of my favorite verses to quote is Job 23:10, "But he knoweth the way that I take: when he hath tried me, I shall come forth as gold." When gold is tested, it means that it has to become moldable to be strengthened. And how is gold tested? 1 Peter 1:7, "That the trial of your faith, being much more precious than of gold that perisheth, though it be tried with fire, might be found unto praise and honour and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ." Proverbs 17:3, "The fining pot is for silver, and the furnace for gold: but they Lord trieth the hearts." Trial by fire...it's a common saying for a reason. We are made strong through being stretched, James 1:2-3 "My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into diverse temptations; Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience." And we need these fires to make us stronger.

But fire has this nasty tendency of fizzling out. Candles, campfires, even oil candles, they all burn out unless you refuel them somehow. But you know what doesn't always need more fuel? A wildfire! Wildfires are tragic happenings in the world, destroying property and taking lives. However, maybe we need a wildfire in our lives. Personally I know I'm a passionate guy and I can get very frustrated if I feel a fire dying. This week I got a rekindling, but I want it to turn into an all-out wildfire. Even at 4 AM (current time), it's easy to say that I'll go to bed now and finish this tomorrow. But such is the nature of the wildfire...I stay up until this is finished because the Spirit is still burning in me. This can really apply to all aspects of life though. Talking incessantly about my future lady as much as I do, she's going to want a man that is absolutely on fire for the Lord. And I can't be on fire for the Lord just so I can get my wife, but I must be on fire for the Lord ALWAYS, and let the wife come when God brings her in. But I've been so blessed in this past week. God started a wildfire in me and I want to keep fueling it. So it's time to put myself on the frontline. Time to embrace my spiritual gift of leadership in whatever venue I should find myself in. Time to BOLDLY proclaim the story of Jesus. I'm just following the warrior's path to wherever God leads, and right now I'm led to this church. I'm excited after talking with friends tonight because I KNOW something big is going to happen at this church, and I'm going to be a big part of it. I don't know what it's going to be or who it will affect, but God is going to continue to use me in gargantuan ways. So it's time to get out of my comfort zone and make a scene for the Lord, as my man Tedashii says. I struggle with many things...pride, lust, anger, to name a few. But this is God's wildfire, and it's not in me for no reason, and He's going to use me despite AND because of my shortcomings. "Can you tell me the story of Jesus again, like you did yesterday?"

THIS IS WHAT IT'S ABOUT!!!!!! Open up to Christ and dare yourself to be opened up to the wildfire buried in YOU :)

Honor

I somehow knew a blog post would happen after watching Gladiator (for the first time the whole way through? REALLY, past me??? Fail!). Thanks to all who read...please let God speak to you as I try to allow Him to speak through me.

I like to think that I'm a man of principles. A man of strong character and faith. Whether that's true yet or not...well, God's still at work. About 3-4 weeks ago, I bought a sword to hang in my apartment. I wanted something that I could display proudly in my living room, something that reminds me of my warrior spirit. It's now become my second-favorite decoration...my favorite is and will always be an old, decrepit Yankees shirt that my dad wore for an extremely long time...nothing replaces that. But anyway, what's really cool about the sword I bought is that there are three of my favorite words carved into the hilt: courage, honneur, justice. I've studied courage quite a bit and have a solid foundation on that. I am extremely passionate about justice and try to live by that as much as possible. But honor. Y'know, I've never studied it deeply and what I believe about it. What is even cooler is the spelling of the word, and the location on the hilt. Ye Olde English, honneur, located dead center on the hilt, as if it were the key word. So...what of it? (p.s. my writing is very ADD...you'll have to forgive that lol)

As I already said, I'm fresh off of watching Gladiator. As with any movie, I look for spiritual parallels that I can take away from it. The part that really caught my attention was the second time he came face-to-face with the emperor, Commodus. The first was his famous monologue, "My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius, commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions, blablabla". But the second is after Maximus fights his way through the staged battle after mauling a tiger and a rather gigantic human being. Now you see, there's a difference between Commodus and Maximus...Commodus is a sniveling, spineless coward, Maximus is an honorable warrior. And at this point the gloves are off. Maximus knows that Commodus is trying to kill him. So here's the exchange that caught my eye:

Commodus: What am I going to do with you? You simply won't... die. Are we so different, you and I? You take life when you have to... as I do.
Maximus: I have only one more life to take. Then it is done.
Commodus: Then take it now.
[Maximus pauses, then turns around and walks away]
Commodus: They tell me your son...
[Maximus stops]
Commodus: ...squealed like a girl when they nailed him to the cross. And your wife... moaned like a whore when they ravaged her again and again... and again.
Maximus: The time for honoring yourself will soon be at an end.
[Bows head]
Maximus: Highness.

See that? Maximus doesn't trash talk. He doesn't threaten. He states his duty, then prepares to leave. But the loudmouth keeps running his mouth...tries to get him to react. But Maximus doesn't react in the way Commodus is prodding him. Instead he just quietly says a single line and walks off. To me, this move just screamed honor.

When I saw this, it made me think of Jesus's famous teaching of turning the other cheek, "Ye have heard that it hath been said, An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth: But I say unto you, That ye resist not evil: but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also" Matthew 5:38-39. Maximus quite literally ran out of cheeks. First Commodus says, "Alright you poser, let's see how tough you are. Go on, strike me down. C'mon chicken...you know you want to." Maximus doesn't say a word and walks away. So the next line of attack is, "OK fine, Mr. Heroic and Humble, trying to play the honor card. Let's see how you like me talking about your wife and son...who, by the way, I humiliated and murdered in cold blood." Maximus turned one cheek and got struck on the other. Having run out, he doesn't retaliate. He just swiftly says one line and walks away...but not before getting in a little cheap shot of his own by mocking Commodus' royal position :)

It's easy to sing hymns such as "Standing On The Promises", but can we sing that and truly stand on them? Here's a difficult one: "Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord." - Romans 12:29, referencing Deuteronomy 32:35, "To me belongeth vengeance and recompence; their foot shall slide in due time: for the day of their calamity is at hand, and the things that shall come upon them make haste." Let me make an example out of my own life. I have people in my life that absolutely love to take cheap shots at me. People who love to see me react because as I've been told, "Chris, you have the FUNNIEST reactions!" Yeah, lovely. And I'm fine with an occasional mock at me, especially if it makes a laugh for someone. But then it goes too far...it goes into cheap shots about my character and faith, and that's when I begin to feel rage swell up inside of me. "Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord." It's so hard to keep that! "Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times? Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven." - Matthew 18:21-22. It all goes hand-in-hand. To keep going on that, what does the Bible say about people like this? "It is an honour for a man to cease from strife: but every fool will be meddling." - Proverbs 20:3. "A fool uttereth all his mind: but a wise man keepeth it in till afterwards." - Proverbs 29:11. Fools. The Bible says that these jabs that are taken at me, they're not even worth my time to respond. So the correct response...well, go back to Matthew 5 and 18.

Now this isn't meant to belittle people or play the whole "sticks and stones" argument. My purpose in writing this is to develop a more honorable lifestyle, one that reflects Christ and the honorable way that HE lived. I just found that the word "honour" is mentioned approximately 178 times in the King James Bible. Something tells me that God thinks it's kinda important. So the question that I get from this is, "Well...what's stopping me?" I tend to think of honor in terms of my own manhood, in learning of how I'm to develop as a man of God. I've always said I want to "wow" my future wife with the way I live, and that comes with being an honorable man of strength. So a song that brought me back to this thought is called Authority by 116 (Christian hip-hop/rap group). The first part of the first verse goes like this: "On the reel, I'm a man / But I guess it's just my gender / When it comes to manhood / Man we leave it to our sisters / What a tragedy, travesty, passive in our actions, living absentee / Stand and wait while asking them to marry me". They're tough words to hear and can be tough to live out. But when focus on honoring God first by living the example of honor Christ set for us, it's not difficult at all. As I said, if I try to live honorably sometimes I get laughed at or put down. But I talked about this in a previous note (Post-Grey), what is our mode of thought and action if we are completely alone, if all of our friends abandon us? Jesus faced that on the cross. Judas betrayed him. Peter disowned him. The rest of them ran away. God the Almighty Father turned His face away from him. Jesus was completely and utterly ALONE. Yet, he died honorably. He knew what he had to do, and as a MAN should, he did it. What a testimony. Simply to be associated with the word "honor", it's worth living so I could have that put on my gravestone. It's worth dying for. If you don't believe me, I'll say it again: 178 times in the King James Bible. God said it, Jesus established it. I have a lot to learn...and a lot more to put into practice. So to answer my question, what's stopping me? There's nothing stopping me. "He only is my rock and my salvation: he is my defence; I shall not be moved." - Psalm 62:6. God is preparing me to living humbly and honorably. Praise God for the opportunity to live honorably for His eternal glory.

A godly woman...

Wow, it's been awhile since I really dove into thought...too long for my liking. As always, I don't know exactly what I want to say, but I'm going to speak from whatever my heart says. But this is a little different. Sometimes I tend to "sermonize" with my facebook notes and hope people learn from my experiences, but that's not the case this time. This time I'm just speaking directly from my heart...I'm happy for anyone who reads, but I'm not trying to get anyone to learn anything for once. And Satan's already been after me...it's almost 11 and I'm waking up at 5:30 tomorrow and he doesn't want this to be written. But he can't stop this one. So...here goes.

It's no secret that I've struggled with my relationship/martial/whatever-you-want-to-call-it status. No matter how much I have tried to deny it or overcome it, it is what it is: I don't like being single. I wish I had someone to call my own. I wish I had a beautiful, godly woman to whom I can offer my strength and protection. I long for that and I can't get rid of that longing. But I had a strange thought hit me tonight. A very simple, yet incredibly complicated question. "Why?" I would think that most guys can answer why they want a wife...but can they really? So it got me thinking.

Tonight I was listening to Background by Lecrae. There's no point in the song that talks about girlfriends or wives or anything like that. The song has a very simple message, yet I believe it's the simplest messages that are the most profoundly deep. The chorus goes "I could play the background / I could play the background / 'Cause I know sometimes / I get in the way / So won't You take the lead, lead, lead / So won't You take the lead, lead, lead / And I could play the background / And You could take the lead...." And it's that same message, just said in many different ways throughout the song...it's beautiful. But somehow it was this song that spurred my thinking and made me ask this question.

"Why?" That was my question. Another way to ask that question is, "for what reason?" Specifically, I was thinking about this in terms of godly women. For what reason do I want a godly woman? Now, at first glance it should seem fairly obvious, right? Well, godly women are the good girls...ones that will remain faithful, won't get into trouble, will give all of their love, and so on. I think most "good" guys want that. But WHY do I want that? For WHAT reason? Is it truly for the reasons I listed above, to offer my strength and protection? Or perhaps...for more fleshly reasons, ones which I'm not proud to admit? Is it to drink in her beauty, for safety, and to make life easy for me? A godly woman can certainly be that for me, I see it done all the time.

And what about the other side...what do godly women want? Why? For what reason? Godly women want godly men. MOST (and I believe this is what they SHOULD want, from a biblical perspective) want godly men who will lead them in the ways of Christ. One that WILL offer their strength and protection that only comes from the Most High. I've heard this from many girls my age, and every time I hear it, I think "I'm right here". It's puzzled me for a long time. I'm a godly man, wanting desperately to give these things, and you're a godly woman, wanting those things of your man. So...what's missing?

Well, this song gave me a little bit of perspective (actually, a lot of bit of perspective). This story is about God. I hear it many times and believe it...our life is a blink. God is forever...we get 15 seconds of fame, then we're gone. Want proof? History majors or politicians might get this, but think like the common man for a second. Think of arguably, our most famous president, Abraham Lincoln. He lived 50-some years, accomplishing amazing things for our country. So...who was his vice president? The answer is Hannibal Hamlin, who lived for over 80 years. Does anyone even remember him? I certainly don't...I didn't even know he existed. And think of all of the other people who lived during that time...do they have a legacy today? Barely any do. Everyone knows God...He's the most famous dude in the universe. The story can't be about us, we don't even remember the 2nd most powerful man in the U.S. in 1860. Wow...that was a rabbit trail. So since our lives are just a blink, we can't play the lead, it HAS to be God. We have to be instruments in God's story. Everything I do has to be OF God and glorify God.

So with that said, there's something I left out. What do godly women want? Godly women want their relationship with God to be the forefront of their lives. And a true godly man will want the same, and that's when the two are brought together, or IF the two are brought together. I can safely say that I'm not ready to be in a relationship, because of how I answered my question. I want a godly woman that will give me attention. I want her to love me (which she will), but I'm being selfish...it's like I don't even want to share her with God, because then I won't be getting the attention I want. How wrong! I can't possibly lead someone in Christ's name if I try to put that relationship in front of my relationship with God. I will always consider myself a godly man and always will be, don't get me wrong. But today I realized the error in my thinking. I still very much want a relationship for many reasons, but God showed me where I still need work, and I'm able to rest now because of that. So I can't be running around trying to find my future wife like I have been...I need to relax and learn about my relationship with God. And for anyone that does actually read this...I just want you know that this is very hard for me to write. I feel a great sense of shame...I wish I had a lot of things "all together" in my mind, but clearly right now I don't. It hurts for me to say that and admit it, but I know this is God's way of breaking me so that He can mold me into a greater man. So no matter how ashamed and might be and no matter how much it hurts, I'm grateful that God is using these words to break me down. I just need to play the background...disregard what I want and serve what God wants, because the story just isn't about me. As humbling as that is, we serve the greatest God imaginable...and I wouldn't want to play the background to any other story :)

For Lent this year...

For most people, I know we give up things like Facebook or chocolate or something else that's generally unhealthy. I'm a little different though (like THAT wasn't obvious...), I prefer not to give up tangible things, but rather something intangible. Something I know is unhealthy for the way I live. Last year I said I was going to give up "everything", in an attempt to transfer everything that I am completely over to God. This year I need to narrow it down...and there's one thing that's been bugging me recently, so perhaps this is God challenging me. So I've decided that for Lent this year, I am giving up:

Fear.

It's hard to decipher exactly what this means. We're not called to be completely fearless, that's just reckless stupidity. And isn't the fear of the Lord the beginning of both knowledge AND wisdom, as depicted by two separate Proverbs? So perhaps I'm not completely giving up fear. However, there have been fears that have been holding me back. Fear of rejection. Fear of the future. Fear of being judged. Fear of God's callings. Fears which make me sit idle and be set in my zone of safety. It's easy to just sit back and embrace safety...and something I know I need to let go. 

Like I said, I'm not called to be fearless. But I AM called to be something similar...courageous. And what is courage? My definition of courage is acting on what you know is right, despite fears and rather embracing them. Today I was convicted by the song "Dangerous" by Pillar. The second verse says: "You, hold back your tears / Embrace your fears / And you let it be what motivates you / Don't hold your breath / That burns inside / Or you'll make your pain be self-inflicted / Direct your full attention / Did I forget to mention? / Live life with no restrictions / No one can hold you down!" So it calls us to not entirely discard our fears, but rather to put on courage and face them.

And courage...what a tricky thing to obtain. I was about to google "courage in the Bible", until I had an interesting thought: the faith chapter, Hebrews 11. You can replace the phrase "by faith" in each instance with "by courage". Think about it...it took courage for Abraham to offer his son before God stopped him. It took courage for Moses to cross the Red Sea. It took courage for Rahab to do what she did. And all of these people are remembered in Biblical history. So if I can replace that phrase...is it safe to assume that faith and courage are synonymous? I'd certainly be willing to argue so. So in an absence of courage, we find fear. When we find fear, we also find a lack of faith in things to come. Yet we're still given promises of things yet to come and we're promised that God is true, "For the word of the LORD is right and true; he is faithful in all he does." - Psalm 33:4.

So maybe for Lent, I'm not necessarily giving up, but I'm gaining. I'm gaining courage to live for God no matter what crap hits the fan and into my face. But I'm letting go of fears that are holding me back from being who God called me to be. The unpassionate life just simply isn't good enough for me. So no matter how scary, no matter where God calls me, I'm going to go. Maybe that means staying at the helpdesk for 10 more years. Maybe it means moving to Africa next year. I don't think the latter is likely, but who knows...if God calls it, I'm going. Soli Deo Gloria...Glory to God alone.

Post-Grey

"Once more into the fray.
Into the last good fight I'll ever know.
Live or die on this day.
Live or die on this day."

I just finished watching The Grey with all of my beloved pack members. I'll try not to give away TOO many spoilers...actually, I take that back. In order to write this note, I have to spoil the movie. So, spoiler alerts ahead.

Anyway, this poem was a theme throughout the movie, and it's one which struck a chord with me. There was a huge plane crash in the beginning of the movie, and only about 7 survived. When it got to the point where there were 5 people left, this is the time where they begin to bond and share more about themselves (revealing that two of them are atheists...one of my personal depressing points of the movie). One by one, they are slowly picked off by the wolves, until only Liam Neeson is left. This is where this poem really kicks in. Liam has a decision to make. He's now all alone in the icy cold wilderness, and it's just him against the wolves. Before he encounters the wolves, he makes a desperate plea to God to show him something real (Liam is one of the atheists). But, no such sign appears. Faced with certain death, Liam just says (language pardon) "fuck it, I'll do it myself." Then all of a sudden, he ends up in the "wolf den", and after paying homage to his comrades he is completely surrounded by wolves ready to tear him limb from limb. Then one large black wolf lets out a roar and the others back off, leave Liam to take on THIS wolf, the Alpha. I was completely engrossed in the movie at this point. Liam could wait to die, but no. He takes a knife, 3 glass bottles, and electrical tape. He breaks the 3 bottles and tapes them and the knife to his hands, and faces the wolf head on. It was really a powerful scene, and one which dove me into deep thought.

I always like finding spiritual parallels in movies (even if Hollywood doesn't want me to :) ). But this is so indicative of the battle in front of us as Christians. The alpha wolf here is Satan. When the alpha roars to call off the other wolves, he's saying, "this one is the best among them. I want him." And what does Liam do? He doesn't just sit around to die, he picks up whatever he can find and he fights with what little strength he has left. So when Satan roars to his demons, saying "ooh, this one thinks he's really working for God...I WANT HIM", what do we do? As Christians, Satan wants the best of us. Who is the best of us? You are. Every one of us is the best among us, because we are all equalled instilled with the Holy Spirit, none greater than the other. 

"Adversity does not build character, it reveals it." And how true that is. Adversity actually does both...we are constantly being built up by learning through our experiences and struggles, but when we are faced with big struggles we are able to see what we're really made of. I thought about myself near the end of the movie. I saw myself as Liam after his last friend dies, and I thought "what would I do?" I know what I would WANT to do: be the hero with infinite strength, ready to charge through any challenges ahead of me no matter how difficult. But what would I REALLY do? Well, probably a lot of praying first of all. But I don't think I could've made it. I have good survival skills, but I think fear and terror would get the best of me in that situation. Then when he encounters the wolf, same question. Similar answer. I definitely would have fought, but I know I wouldn't have lasted long just out of fear and giving up. I thought back to all the times I would crack under pressure. All the times I would ask for the burden, only to find that it's too great for me to handle. I would ask for the fight, only to find myself getting knocked down and not pulling myself back up.

But, I don't settle for this. I wouldn't have been called "The White Knight" by God if it wasn't true. When God gives us a calling, it's not going to be easy to realize the full extent of the calling. God promises a test, "But he knoweth the way that I take: when he hath tried me, I shall come forth as gold." - Job 23:10...one of my favorite verses. Gold is only made by testing it with a hammer; by beating it until it's solid. And Satan promises not to make it easy on us either...he's going to come at us with guns ablazing, ESPECIALLY when we have a calling. Consider Tim Tebow, fulling living on the battlefield for God. Consider the backlash that this guy gets. I saw a "comedian" today that was lashing out against Tebow (I use that term just as his professional title...I could make people laugh in my sleep better than this guy could). His quote was "If I was trapped in a room with Bin Laden and Tim Tebow, and I only had a gun with one bullet, I'd shoot Bin Laden...I'm no monster. But if I had 2 bullets, I'd shoot Tim Tebow first." If I heard that said about myself, I'd lose A LOT of heart. That's the ways of Satan trying to pull us down, trying to make us into flabby mediocre meat sacs. But God calls us to strength, no matter what the cost. It's easy to worship God and be all Christian-y in the presence of other Christians. What I want to know is, what if I'm the only one left? Liam was ALONE...with NO ONE around to share his burden. He took his fate as a warrior, and went out fighting. I want to be a man that realizes the strength that's truly hidden in me. At any cost, even my earthly life, my mission is to see that others realize the coming Kingdom of God. Even if my friends betray me, even if they die out, if I'm the only one left...what will I do? And the ever-haunting question, what if I never get married? Will I stop serving God if there isn't someone alongside of me? At work, where I'm the only Christian and continually take cheap shots at my character and faith, will I quit sharing what I believe? Will I conform to their ways just so they accept me? That's a path I'll never go down again.

Like Liam, against all odds, I look Satan in the eye and say "you don't scare me." Because, unlike Liam in the movie, we have a King who fights alongside of us and promises to never leave us, "Be strong and of a good courage, fear not, nor be afraid of them: for the LORD thy God, he it is that doth go with thee; he will not fail thee, nor forsake thee." - Deuteronomy 31:6. This is where we take our strength, from our God. This is where we have all hope of living, both here on earth AND after we're done here and are called home. So...what do we have to fear? "I called upon the LORD in distress: the LORD answered me, and set me in a large place. The LORD is on my side; I will not fear: what can man do unto me?" - Psalm 118:5-6 (also the verse that Hollywood apparently forgot to read when Liam was crying out to God). I know Lecrae got it right...go hard or go home. Check this out:

"Rep every day without worryin about bruisin / I been to China man I seen some real persecution / If you didn't know Christ would ya life look the same / Can they tell you value Jesus by the way to rep his name? / Man what's the point of livin if I'm livin for myself / Lord empty out my life before I put you on the shelf / So for God I go hard, I don't wanna die tonight / But there's too many people livin who ain't heard about my Christ"

Battle cry. The greatest honor a human could ever realize...the full outpouring of their life to a cause greater than themselves. Putting their own head on a guillotine to save the life of another. This is strength. This is honor. So when faced with the same adversity that Liam Neeson faced, I want to act as he did. Realizing the strength of God in me and go hard into it. I think I need to tape some shards of glass to my knuckles and show Satan what I'm made of.

"Once more into the fray.
Into the last good fight I'll ever know.
Live or die on this day.
Live or die on this day."