For Lent this year...

For most people, I know we give up things like Facebook or chocolate or something else that's generally unhealthy. I'm a little different though (like THAT wasn't obvious...), I prefer not to give up tangible things, but rather something intangible. Something I know is unhealthy for the way I live. Last year I said I was going to give up "everything", in an attempt to transfer everything that I am completely over to God. This year I need to narrow it down...and there's one thing that's been bugging me recently, so perhaps this is God challenging me. So I've decided that for Lent this year, I am giving up:

Fear.

It's hard to decipher exactly what this means. We're not called to be completely fearless, that's just reckless stupidity. And isn't the fear of the Lord the beginning of both knowledge AND wisdom, as depicted by two separate Proverbs? So perhaps I'm not completely giving up fear. However, there have been fears that have been holding me back. Fear of rejection. Fear of the future. Fear of being judged. Fear of God's callings. Fears which make me sit idle and be set in my zone of safety. It's easy to just sit back and embrace safety...and something I know I need to let go. 

Like I said, I'm not called to be fearless. But I AM called to be something similar...courageous. And what is courage? My definition of courage is acting on what you know is right, despite fears and rather embracing them. Today I was convicted by the song "Dangerous" by Pillar. The second verse says: "You, hold back your tears / Embrace your fears / And you let it be what motivates you / Don't hold your breath / That burns inside / Or you'll make your pain be self-inflicted / Direct your full attention / Did I forget to mention? / Live life with no restrictions / No one can hold you down!" So it calls us to not entirely discard our fears, but rather to put on courage and face them.

And courage...what a tricky thing to obtain. I was about to google "courage in the Bible", until I had an interesting thought: the faith chapter, Hebrews 11. You can replace the phrase "by faith" in each instance with "by courage". Think about it...it took courage for Abraham to offer his son before God stopped him. It took courage for Moses to cross the Red Sea. It took courage for Rahab to do what she did. And all of these people are remembered in Biblical history. So if I can replace that phrase...is it safe to assume that faith and courage are synonymous? I'd certainly be willing to argue so. So in an absence of courage, we find fear. When we find fear, we also find a lack of faith in things to come. Yet we're still given promises of things yet to come and we're promised that God is true, "For the word of the LORD is right and true; he is faithful in all he does." - Psalm 33:4.

So maybe for Lent, I'm not necessarily giving up, but I'm gaining. I'm gaining courage to live for God no matter what crap hits the fan and into my face. But I'm letting go of fears that are holding me back from being who God called me to be. The unpassionate life just simply isn't good enough for me. So no matter how scary, no matter where God calls me, I'm going to go. Maybe that means staying at the helpdesk for 10 more years. Maybe it means moving to Africa next year. I don't think the latter is likely, but who knows...if God calls it, I'm going. Soli Deo Gloria...Glory to God alone.

Post-Grey

"Once more into the fray.
Into the last good fight I'll ever know.
Live or die on this day.
Live or die on this day."

I just finished watching The Grey with all of my beloved pack members. I'll try not to give away TOO many spoilers...actually, I take that back. In order to write this note, I have to spoil the movie. So, spoiler alerts ahead.

Anyway, this poem was a theme throughout the movie, and it's one which struck a chord with me. There was a huge plane crash in the beginning of the movie, and only about 7 survived. When it got to the point where there were 5 people left, this is the time where they begin to bond and share more about themselves (revealing that two of them are atheists...one of my personal depressing points of the movie). One by one, they are slowly picked off by the wolves, until only Liam Neeson is left. This is where this poem really kicks in. Liam has a decision to make. He's now all alone in the icy cold wilderness, and it's just him against the wolves. Before he encounters the wolves, he makes a desperate plea to God to show him something real (Liam is one of the atheists). But, no such sign appears. Faced with certain death, Liam just says (language pardon) "fuck it, I'll do it myself." Then all of a sudden, he ends up in the "wolf den", and after paying homage to his comrades he is completely surrounded by wolves ready to tear him limb from limb. Then one large black wolf lets out a roar and the others back off, leave Liam to take on THIS wolf, the Alpha. I was completely engrossed in the movie at this point. Liam could wait to die, but no. He takes a knife, 3 glass bottles, and electrical tape. He breaks the 3 bottles and tapes them and the knife to his hands, and faces the wolf head on. It was really a powerful scene, and one which dove me into deep thought.

I always like finding spiritual parallels in movies (even if Hollywood doesn't want me to :) ). But this is so indicative of the battle in front of us as Christians. The alpha wolf here is Satan. When the alpha roars to call off the other wolves, he's saying, "this one is the best among them. I want him." And what does Liam do? He doesn't just sit around to die, he picks up whatever he can find and he fights with what little strength he has left. So when Satan roars to his demons, saying "ooh, this one thinks he's really working for God...I WANT HIM", what do we do? As Christians, Satan wants the best of us. Who is the best of us? You are. Every one of us is the best among us, because we are all equalled instilled with the Holy Spirit, none greater than the other. 

"Adversity does not build character, it reveals it." And how true that is. Adversity actually does both...we are constantly being built up by learning through our experiences and struggles, but when we are faced with big struggles we are able to see what we're really made of. I thought about myself near the end of the movie. I saw myself as Liam after his last friend dies, and I thought "what would I do?" I know what I would WANT to do: be the hero with infinite strength, ready to charge through any challenges ahead of me no matter how difficult. But what would I REALLY do? Well, probably a lot of praying first of all. But I don't think I could've made it. I have good survival skills, but I think fear and terror would get the best of me in that situation. Then when he encounters the wolf, same question. Similar answer. I definitely would have fought, but I know I wouldn't have lasted long just out of fear and giving up. I thought back to all the times I would crack under pressure. All the times I would ask for the burden, only to find that it's too great for me to handle. I would ask for the fight, only to find myself getting knocked down and not pulling myself back up.

But, I don't settle for this. I wouldn't have been called "The White Knight" by God if it wasn't true. When God gives us a calling, it's not going to be easy to realize the full extent of the calling. God promises a test, "But he knoweth the way that I take: when he hath tried me, I shall come forth as gold." - Job 23:10...one of my favorite verses. Gold is only made by testing it with a hammer; by beating it until it's solid. And Satan promises not to make it easy on us either...he's going to come at us with guns ablazing, ESPECIALLY when we have a calling. Consider Tim Tebow, fulling living on the battlefield for God. Consider the backlash that this guy gets. I saw a "comedian" today that was lashing out against Tebow (I use that term just as his professional title...I could make people laugh in my sleep better than this guy could). His quote was "If I was trapped in a room with Bin Laden and Tim Tebow, and I only had a gun with one bullet, I'd shoot Bin Laden...I'm no monster. But if I had 2 bullets, I'd shoot Tim Tebow first." If I heard that said about myself, I'd lose A LOT of heart. That's the ways of Satan trying to pull us down, trying to make us into flabby mediocre meat sacs. But God calls us to strength, no matter what the cost. It's easy to worship God and be all Christian-y in the presence of other Christians. What I want to know is, what if I'm the only one left? Liam was ALONE...with NO ONE around to share his burden. He took his fate as a warrior, and went out fighting. I want to be a man that realizes the strength that's truly hidden in me. At any cost, even my earthly life, my mission is to see that others realize the coming Kingdom of God. Even if my friends betray me, even if they die out, if I'm the only one left...what will I do? And the ever-haunting question, what if I never get married? Will I stop serving God if there isn't someone alongside of me? At work, where I'm the only Christian and continually take cheap shots at my character and faith, will I quit sharing what I believe? Will I conform to their ways just so they accept me? That's a path I'll never go down again.

Like Liam, against all odds, I look Satan in the eye and say "you don't scare me." Because, unlike Liam in the movie, we have a King who fights alongside of us and promises to never leave us, "Be strong and of a good courage, fear not, nor be afraid of them: for the LORD thy God, he it is that doth go with thee; he will not fail thee, nor forsake thee." - Deuteronomy 31:6. This is where we take our strength, from our God. This is where we have all hope of living, both here on earth AND after we're done here and are called home. So...what do we have to fear? "I called upon the LORD in distress: the LORD answered me, and set me in a large place. The LORD is on my side; I will not fear: what can man do unto me?" - Psalm 118:5-6 (also the verse that Hollywood apparently forgot to read when Liam was crying out to God). I know Lecrae got it right...go hard or go home. Check this out:

"Rep every day without worryin about bruisin / I been to China man I seen some real persecution / If you didn't know Christ would ya life look the same / Can they tell you value Jesus by the way to rep his name? / Man what's the point of livin if I'm livin for myself / Lord empty out my life before I put you on the shelf / So for God I go hard, I don't wanna die tonight / But there's too many people livin who ain't heard about my Christ"

Battle cry. The greatest honor a human could ever realize...the full outpouring of their life to a cause greater than themselves. Putting their own head on a guillotine to save the life of another. This is strength. This is honor. So when faced with the same adversity that Liam Neeson faced, I want to act as he did. Realizing the strength of God in me and go hard into it. I think I need to tape some shards of glass to my knuckles and show Satan what I'm made of.

"Once more into the fray.
Into the last good fight I'll ever know.
Live or die on this day.
Live or die on this day."

"What happened?"

PREFACE: I'm going to tag a bunch of people in this...people that may or may not be interested in what I write in the "Cran Journal of Theological Meditations", as dubbed by Bill. So don't feel the need to read the note, and you can untag yourself if you desire and I won't be offended...this is just my way of letting people that MAY be interested know that I wrote something. And also I'm sorry if I missed someone in my tagging...hopefully God will send it your way despite my overlooking (and Facebook only lets me tag 30 people maximum. Facebook fail). And with that...


Sometimes I find myself asking this question. One day I feel as though everything is going my way...I'm living for God, my heart is on fire, things just seem to be going well. Then all of a sudden I'm left saying "What happened?" A surprise attack hits me. Seemingly out of nowhere, I find myself not praying, getting angry at small things, being depressed, being lazy, and so on. And I'm sure we all ask this from time to time, but I know I'm asking this right now. And I want answers.

So this is approximately...7-8 months post-graduation? Definitely been quite a whirlwind the past few months. Already on my second corporate job after a horrible first experience. Presently, I find myself still living at home, still single, working every day from 9-6, going home, going to bed and doing it all over again. Not terribly exciting and honestly a little depressing. My spiritual life has been very up and very down at different times. I knew this winter would be a challenge for this boy of the summer, because I managed to find God in a cool new way: taking bike rides to my new prayer place and really connecting with God through nature. Now that it's winter, I leave before the sun really comes up and come home after the sun has already set. And it's cold...so not really good biking conditions for my taste.

But there was one thing about the summer that I lack right now...I sought God passionately. Recent days, I would pray that God would show Himself to me as I casually sit in my cubicle. Over the summer, I pulled out my bike and I went out into nature to look for God and even talk out loud to Him. Yes, not having a job for most of the summer made this easier, but now that it's winter and I work so much I don't get to do this anymore. 

And it's one hit after another. Since I wasn't as passionate as I used to find myself, I tried to adjust. But then little by little, it seemed like I was fighting a losing battle. Difficulties in adjusting to the world as we know it and being the "Christian in the corporation" was hardening my heart. Feelings of lonliness started to set in as I wouldn't really associate with all of my close brothers and sisters as much as I used to. But worst of all, I kept feeling guilt and anger that I was struggling so much with just BEING a Christian. "What happened?"

Well, I had time to think today since I skipped church due to no other reason than just my own laziness of not wanting to get out of bed. And as I was driving to Five Guys for lunch, that question popped in my head. What happened to my passion for God? Recently I've also felt that I've been offending/angering people with whatever I say and I feel like I have to walk on eggshells sometimes. What happened to the man that was comfortable in his own skin? Darn it, what HAPPENED??? But as I thought, the more a few truths became evident to me.

1) God loves me. Obvious? Of course, but sometimes easy to forget. But no matter how many times I fall and mess up, no matter how many times I even KNOWINGLY disobey God, He still loves me for the man He created me to be. I'm sure God loves so much that it hurts...even to the point that He had to turn away from Jesus on the cross. That couldn't have been easy...even for Almighty God. But God is bigger than any situation and can handle anything, which brings up the next truth:

2) Surrender is stronger. Undone by FFH is one of my favorite songs because of the chorus that gets thumped into your brain, "Come undone / surrender is stronger / I don't need to be the hero tonight / We all want love / We all want honor / Nobody wants to pay the asking price". Love...honor...isn't that the cry of my heart? Isn't that the place I want to get back to? So what's this asking price they're talking about? Surrender. Come undone. All this time I feel like I've been failing God's mission, like I haven't been measuring up. Let me be honest, even as I write this, I still have doubts. Doubts that I'm not saying what I want to say. Doubts that what I'm saying will even connect with anyone. Doubts that God's nots pleased. I never used to have such doubts. Again...what happened?

Satan got a foothold...that's what happened. And how crafty the devil is. All this time I've been working tirelessly because I want to please God. With my new job, I want to be a light to my co-workers and to my friends as well. I've been strategizing and trying to figure out when the best time is to bring up a "religious" conversation. And in all irony, I've been wanting to please God so much that THIS became my god, and I left God completely out of the picture. What happened? Satan happened. But I have an answer now.

Full surrender. Give it up. I've been trying to fix myself for so long. I want to please God and I want God to be happy with what I do. When I feel as though I'm not measuring up or living in sin, I say "uh oh" and try to make adjustments rather than giving it over to One who is more capable and equipped. "Ah Lord GOD! behold, thou hast made the heaven and the earth by thy great power and stretched out arm, and there is nothing too hard for thee." - Jeremiah 32:17. And I have a wonderful image to live by. Close to a year ago, God gave me the image of a white knight that has never left my mind. A strong, valiant warrior who fights against the enemy and fearlessly stares down the face of death. At the end of a knight's battle, if he has lived, he returns to his home as a hero. Yet he still has one thing on his mind. He marches straight into the castle, still bloodied and beaten, walks straight before the king sitting on his throne...and takes a knee. This is the most beautiful image I can truly imagine...the White Knight, beaten and bruised, bowing before the King with a warm smile on His face. The King is the source, the reason the Knight battles. And with this King, there's no such thing as a loss or failure. The battle is already won.

In an instance where I felt God was talking directly to me, I came across 1 Timothy 6:11-12 - "But thou, O man of God, flee these things; and follow after righteousness, godliness, faith, love, patience, meekness. Fight the good fight of faith, lay hold on eternal life, whereunto thou art also called, and hast professed a good profession before many witnesses." An operative word in there is "follow". God gives me the strength to fight evil, but it's only through God that we succeed. Only when we take things in our own hands do we find weakness and even cowardice. When a knight fights for no one but himself, he is a mercenary, a savage. When a knight fights for his loved ones and lays his life on the blade for his King, he is a noble warrior. I AM the White Knight. No one can ever take that identity away from me, least of all the father of lies. We may get knocked down, but when Satan knocks us down, we're just that much closer to being on our knees before our Holy King who requires nothing of us but to follow Him. And now the path I have to take is simply to wait for God to move and move with Him.

And for everyone reading this...what about you? I know that I'm not the only one who gets blindsided by Satan. I pray that you can apply my situation to your own life and be that much closer to God, and that much further away from yourself and from Satan.

"No weapon that is formed against thee shall prosper; and every tongue that shall rise against thee in judgment thou shalt condemn. This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD, and their righteousness is of me, saith the LORD." - Isaiah 54:17

Praise God that I don't need to ask my question anymore...I have my answer.

Contentment

“I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.” – Philippians 4:12.  

It always makes me laugh how Paul uses the word “secret” in this verse. To many Christians, being content isn’t really too big of a secret, although to others we seek tirelessly to come to this level of contentment without ever finding it.

Contentment has been beating me around recently…it feels like I hear it everywhere. Our pastor preached out of Philippians 4 for about a month. My verse-of-the-day on my phone came up to 1 Timothy 6:6-10…verses 6-8 read, “But godliness with contentment is great gain. For we brought nothing into the world, and it is certain we can carry nothing out. And having food and raiment let us be therewith content.”  And of course, God’s trying to send me a message…I hate it when He does that sometimes.

As per my usual template, this is typically the part of the note where I give a life update and describe what caused me to start writing. This one isn’t any different. :) Life’s definitely been better to me than what I deserve recently. I finally have an answer to prayer in a well-paying job that I enjoy. It’s clear to me that God placed me here because of many things I’ve gone through already. I finally have an opportunity to serve my fellow man by helping them out with their computer problems. And I’ve had to deal with growing pains of being in the “real world” and being around people that curse and use other crude language. All in all, it’s been a good test of my faith and I’m happy I’m here.

However for the past few nights, I’ve been feeling pretty low. Last night was the kicker. It was a combination of loneliness, doubt, failure, and being misunderstood. In terms of contentment, these are pretty much the opposite feelings I should be having. It was a surprise attack and I was losing.

For me, seeking contentment sometimes takes the form of bitterness. We always say if we can have just this one more thing, then and ONLY then will we be content. And, not to be proud or boastful, I have a vast head-knowledge of the right way to live, but it’s the application that I have trouble with. I KNOW we’re supposed to be content in all situations. And since I know that I try to force it, and it comes out in the form of bitterness. “Fine God, I can’t have what I want. You want me to be content? FINE! I’ll be content! THERE, I’M CONTENT NOW.” Yeah, it doesn’t work that way.

So I drove to work today and began by listening to music that wouldn’t exactly help the mood I was in. As I was scrolling through songs and figuring out which one I wanted to listen to, “My Life Be Like” by Gritz came on. Not really the song I expected, but it was what I needed. It’s a really chill song, but it has a very deep yet simple message behind it. The chorus goes “It’s times like these that make me say / Lord if you see me please come my way / Leaving breadcrumbs for when I stray / Rely on the sacrifice and the price that you paid / Feel me like a fingertip / Sometimes I fall, I slip / My heartfelt desire be more like you / Tryin’ not to quench your fire with the things that I do” It’s really mellow and beautiful, but the lyric that got ahold of me was at the end of the first verse, “Catch a second wind thin is the air I breathe / Teary-eyed nose running, wipin’ snot on my sleeve / I’m callin’ on the Savior to be all that I need / Please forgive me my behavior had me lost at light speed”

There was something that this song revealed to me this morning. I found that through an ill-founded pursuit of being content, I put up walls around my heart. I wanted to be content with what I had, so I put up walls in an attempt to not even let anything new come in. This is the wrong attitude to have. Anything that God gives us is out of His grace alone, and is already more than we deserve.

This is something that we all face and probably all struggle with. To argue with Paul a little bit, I really don’t think contentment is that big of a secret. Actually, it’s pretty straightforward: trust God. God has already done more than He should’ve had to in order to help us along. He’s given us the Bible to consult for any and all of our life’s problems. He’s given us a perfect blood sacrifice for all the times we mess up. He’s given us a promise of a home that’s more beautiful than we could ever hope to dream. But I want an xbox! I want that cute dress in the window! I want happiness!

God is too good to us sometimes. I know that I still sit here and complain about things I don’t have, full independence and a girlfriend being the prime things. But as I’m writing this, I’m sitting at a help desk waiting for calls to come in as I’m on salary for, well, more than I deserve to make. I know after work, I get to go to a nice warm roof over my head where there will be food on the table. Yet the people that are more content than me? They’re the ones that struggle day to day just to get food on the table. Contentment is really a matter of perspective. It’s a scary thought to let go and trust someone with all of our situations, but when we realize that we’re putting our trust in a God that’s more able than us, we reach this feeling of contentment. I really enjoy how Paul talks about his struggles with almost a half-hearted tone. “Yeah, I was stripped naked, beaten, and thrown in jail. No big deal. I trusted God. Smiley face.” We could all take a pretty serious lesson from that. I try to remind myself every day about Paul’s example, about Job’s attitude in the face of ultimate suffering, and about the degree of Jesus’ suffering even after saying “yet not as I will, but as You will”. It’s no wonder we receive so many warnings about the rich, how it’s easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to get to heaven (which I haven’t tried, but I bet it’d be pretty difficult). Are the rich ever content? They have more than they could possibly hope for here on earth, yet it’ll all fade upon their death. I don’t know Steve Jobs’ religious background but last time I checked, the Apple empire was still headquartered in California, not heaven. I’ll admit, contentment is sometimes a difficult thing to seek. But if Paul found the secret, we can too. Paul was just an ordinary guy just like us, he just trusted God a whole lot more than we do.

I’m at work as I write this, so it may not be as impactful as I want it to be. But I genuinely pray that this will encourage at least one person to truly seek a level of contentment that most don’t have. This life isn’t about what we don’t have. This life is a blink before God, and we owe it entirely to Him to live as passionately as we can, and to be content with the blessings that we get from God. God loves us through all good times and tough times. I’m going to include a link that I found at the bottom of this that I found…I think it explains things better than I probably ever could. Thanks for reading, friends.

“Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.” - Matthew 11:29

“I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.” – Philippians 4:12.

“But godliness with contentment is great gain. For we brought nothing into the world, and it is certain we can carry nothing out. And having food and raiment let us be therewith content.” – 1 Timothy 6:6-8

“Thou wilt shew me the path of life: in thy presence is fulness of joy; at thy right hand there are pleasures for evermore.” - Psalm 16:11


http://www.whatsaiththescripture.com/Fellowship/What_Bible_Contentment.html

Why do we tolerate our sin?

So, I definitely didn't expect another Facebook note to come in consecutive days, but God absolutely blasted me last night and I can't help but let my fingers rage across this keyboard in order to get this down.

Last night at halftime of the Eagles' game, me and 3 other friends decided to take a Sheetz run. We got our food and got back in the car. Just as we did that, a lady in a minivan pulls into the parking space beside us, almost hitting my car as she pulls in. She was probably about 55-65 years old with a cigarette in one hand and a little runt of a lap dog climbing all over her steering wheel. She motioned for my friend to roll down the passenger's side window, and she asked "are you all from Messiah??" Thinking she liked Messiah students (and 1 alumnus), we all said yes with smiles on our faces. She says "oh ok," and then pauses for a few seconds and says, "so which one of you jokers knocked down the cigarette dispenser by the door?" Now something you should know about me...I'm the son of a retired sheriff's deputy. My dad is a rather quiet man, but absolutely commands respect, and he'll show respect to people that also show him respect. I definitely inherit that from him...my friends may poke fun at me from time to time, but I don't tolerate being talked down to or being labelled as the typical "college kid". So when I heard "jokers", I could feel an inferno burning inside of me that had a strong possibility of coming out had my friends not been in the car with me (2 of them being ladies). So we exchanged a few words and she gave us a brief apology after she realized that it wasn't us. But I never officially got to say my peace, so with my temper still intact I ripped out of the parking lot with my friends in the car, saying a few words under my breath which weren't curses, but might as well have been with the angry thoughts I was having. Unacceptable.

On my ride home last night, God got to me. Our sermon in church yesterday was about guarding our thoughts and how our thoughts can be a sin against God if we're not keeping track of them. To quote the pastor, we don't think about thinking. This was based out of Philippians 4, focusing on verses 8-9, "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you." I considered this and realized that even though I may not have fully lost my temper, my thoughts against that lady were NOT God-honoring. If I truly claim to stand for God and strive to fulfill the mission given to me in Matthew 28, then I failed my mission miserably tonight because that lady saw no part of God in me. And at what cost? So that I could have the last word? If I truly thought of God first before myself, I could've got out of the car and picked up the cigarette dispenser in question. Think she would've saw God then? I certainly do.

God broke me. He tore down my walls tonight as I drove home, and I confessed my sin in the car and asked for God's forgiveness. And as the famous promise goes in 1 John 1:9, "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." But it wasn't enough to just confess my sins and act like everything was great and happy after that, I wanted my friends' forgiveness too, so I took a hard face of humility and apologized to each of them as well. I don't find it acceptable to give in to our sins the way that I did to that lady.

Which brings me to my point...why do we tolerate our sin? I'm sure most people that read this would say that I'm overreacting about the whole thing. I mean, really? Apologizing to my friends even though they probably moved on by now and probably didn't see anything I did wrong? I mean, it wasn't THAT bad, right? Well friends, yes it IS that bad. I'm hard on myself...I hold myself to a much higher standard than most people do, a standard that I believe God established. Consider the Ten Commandments...they're not called the Ten things-you-should-try-to-keep-as-best-as-you-can. They're called the Ten COMMANDMENTS. It's the Law...keep these commands or die. You can't just say "oops, I forgot about the Sabbath day. Oh well, I'll try again next week. Oh but that's not a good time for it...I have tons of work I need to get done." God wouldn't have commanded it if it wasn't meant to be kept. Yet we look at this one and consider it a lesser commandment. Now murder, that's a REALLY bad one...we should NEVER do that. Murder and rape is no worse than forgetting to keep your Sabbath day holy. If anything, forgetting the Sabbath is worse than murder (keeping the Sabbath holy is #4 on the list...murder is #6). Yet we tolerate this as if nothing's wrong. Why?

I spent a lot of time thinking about my future wife on my car ride home tonight. I thought about her in terms of my temper. I understand that she will have her own sins that she deals with and I will have mine. But why should she "settle" for that? I think of experiences I had with my past girlfriends, and I remember times where I would mess up on something and tell her that I'm sorry. A typical response is, "It's ok. I still love you despite what you did. It's no big deal." And this would bring a smile to my face, as I would think "WHEW! I'm glad that's over. She loves me...I don't have to do any more work." And with that I wouldn't change, I wouldn't work, and I'd end up sinning some time later. I don't think that's acceptable. My future wife deserves the absolute best from me every day, and that involves me not giving in to my temper or other sins. I don't want her to just "settle" for my shortcomings. I want to "wow" her daily by showing her that through my unwavering faith in God, I can overcome anything. THAT'S strength. THAT'S the honorable way. There's no reason she should deserve anything less from me. And neither should God.

There's another thing that's been bugging me recently, and that's how absolutely numb we've become to the gospel. If you weren't reading this I'd ask you to close your eyes, but just imagine this scenario. Imagine that you're face to face with a man in a ski mask pointing a pistol at your head. Obviously you're scared...you don't want to die. This guy is a madman, and he's getting ready to pull the trigger as you're begging for your life. Now imagine your best friend. Out of nowhere, your best friend, that guy/girl that you've grown up with and has been with you through thick and thin, pushes you out of the way as the man's bullet goes flying through their skull. Your absolute best friend saved your life, and now he/she is lying dead in a massive puddle of blood. I know this is graphic and something no one wants to think about, but if this actually happened, wouldn't that change your life forever? Wouldn't you always think about the sacrifice they made for you, and wouldn't you likely make a vow to never forget them and live on their behalf? It would absolutely destroy you inside. But there was a reason I made this graphic and painful to think about: THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED. How many of us consider Jesus our best friend? How many of us thank Jesus daily for dying on the cross for our sins, and how many of us say it in a prayer in those exact nonchalant words? Let me hit you with a few facts. First of all, Jesus was a real man...as real as the person in the next room over from you. Second, Jesus lived his life for 30 some years, facing many of the same temptations we face in our lives, so He knows what we go through. Third, Jesus died what is arguably one of most gruesome deaths in all of history after living a completely sinless life. This man was whipped and had patches of skin taken clean off his body. This man had 5-inch thorns shoved into his skull. This man had his beard pulled out at the roots as he screamed one of the most agonizing screams in history. He died so severely because He loved us so much that He would face the fires of Hell on our behalf. Yet we stand in church and sing our "Jesus Loves Me" songs, and barely realize what Jesus truly did for us. And every time we sin, we spit in the face of the agonizing death He went through. "Thanks Jesus, that was cool of you to do and all. And my bad for yelling at that car that cut me off the other day...that probably wasn't nice of me." No, that wasn't just "cool of him to do". We can't afford to undermine what Jesus went through, nor should we. Yet we live our life as if Jesus never existed...as if a little bit of sin doesn't matter. So I pose my question again...WHY do we tolerate our sin????

Friends, dare to hold yourself to a higher standard. Every sin we commit spits in the face of the God that gave us life. Every sin we commit spits in the face of Jesus, the man who lived a perfect life and sacrificed his LIFE out of unconditional love for us. We don't deserve such love. But I know we're going still sin. We've lived in sin for so long, and in this world it's impossible to truly break free from it's bonds. Yet Jesus still volunteers His perfect help to us in Matthew 11:28-30, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." With Jesus' help and love, we CAN break free from the bondage of sin. He calls us in Matthew 5:48 to "be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect." We're not going to be perfect, but we must strive for this ideal in order to stay as far from sin as possible. Even in small amounts, sin is not to be tolerated. The only thing we should tolerate is the full passionate pursuit of the arms of the God that loves us. God doesn't tolerate sin...why should we?


Before I began this, I prayed that God would use this to change someone's life. Please don't consider this my note, but consider it the words that God gave me to write. If you find this to hit home for you, don't credit me...credit God. He's waiting with open arms for us to come to Him, so we have a choice to make. Either continue to live in our ignorantly blissful state of sin, or run to the loving arms of God. I pray you choose God.

Finding blessings through trials

My apologizes, I didn't expect this to be this long...but I would really appreciate those who see this to read it...there's definitely a good application at the end of it.

Trials. Struggles. Let's face it, they suck and we don't like having to deal with them, but because of our broken world we're forced to endure them until God calls us home. But if we look at it correctly and deal with them correctly, we have a great potential to see God more clearly than we would in easier times. By His grace, I had that opportunity today.

The last few days have definitely been rather up and down. Wednesday I saw a job posted online that I actually applied for previously, but since it was reposted I applied again. Thursday I gave the company a call to, more or less, force the issue. The lady I talked to asked me to come in for an interview at 9:00am the next morning. Friday I went in for the interview and went home shortly after, and about 3 hours later I got a call with the official job offer. Cool! So of course...I'm happy at this point, as I'm sure anyone would be.

Friday night rolls around...my parents had been working outside all day. We went out to dinner, and the whole time my mom kept complaining about how bad her finger hurt. It was swollen, and it just looked like she jammed it or something. Plus, my mom has a comically low pain tolerance, so I was just saying "Mom, you're FINE! Just stick some ice on it and deal with it." So we get back, and at about 10:00 my parents come in my room and tell me they're going to the hospital to have her finger looked it. Wow...ok. Still didn't think too much of it. I get another call around midnight telling me that they're keeping my mom at the hospital because they're worried it could be a bacterial infection and they're worried that it could possibly be serious. Wait....what? It's just a finger! My heart sank...I didn't want my mom to be at the hospital and I didn't want anything to be wrong, and I was obviously helpless to do anything about it. I went to bed fairly bummed out.

Saturday...yay snow!!!! Except not really. While facebook statuses explode about the snow, all I could think of was "Great...my mom's still in the hospital and now I'm probably not going to get to visit her." Plus, I just wanted to have a lazy day at home and watch a movie or something, but all I could think about was my mom. Well, my dad was planning on going to visit her anyway, and my first temptation was just to stay at home because I didn't feel like going out. Wow...how selfish am I. But God got to me...I knew my mom would be happy to see me and I knew it would be right to make a sacrifice on her behalf (since she's made basically a whole life's worth of sacrifices for me), so I went along. My mom's doing better even though her finger's still the size of a corn dog, but we think it was something that could've turned serious if we didn't catch it in an early stage. So I'm definitely thankful for that.

"Using trials as blessings"...I haven't really gotten to my point yet, but i'm working on it. :) The trial I'm speaking of isn't my mom's finger, although it's part of it. I haven't really told anyone about my mom being in the hospital right now because, as bad as this sounds, I don't really want to hear "I'll pray for her!" My first thought is, what exactly are you going to pray for? For her to get better and recover quickly? Well...what if God decides to answer that with "Sorry, not this time." What then? It's just a thing of mine...I typically don't like praying for such temporal things because ironically I almost feel a disconnect from God when I pray something like that. "Dear God, I want so-and-so to feel better. Make it happen? Thanks, cya next time." No, that's what I wanted. I wanted to know what God was doing. I knew God was trying to send me a message...I wanted to know what it was. And I also knew it wouldn't just be given to me...I had to go find it.

We finally got home from the hospital at around 4:30 today, and I did something rather radical and completely illogical. "Dad, I'm going out for a bike ride." He looked at me like I sprouted 5 heads. He just laughed and said have fun...I didn't want to tell him exactly what I was doing, this was between me and God. So I set out. There's a nice 3-mile loop that starts and ends at my house, and 1 mile into it there's a field and a pavilion where I often go to pray, so I fought my way through the cold and the snow to the pavilion. The air was a little thinner and I was fasting while I did this...I only had a small slice of pizza and was hungry, but I waited to eat in an effort to connect with God more effectively.

My mom and I haven't had the best relationship over the years. We think very differently and get impatient with each other from time to time. For a long time I just used this as an excuse to not do anything about it, dismissing it to "it's just the way it is." Honor thy father has always been easy for me...the second part of the commandment was always very difficult for me. So as weird as it sounds, I couldn't understand why this issue was bothering me so much. I mean yes, I love my mom, but I think I felt like I loved her because I had to, which I see now is the wrong way to think and live. So down at the pavilion, no one's around and I'm free to speak out loud. So I start to ask God what the heck He was doing...why was this bothering me so much...why did You call me out here? I waited briefly, and then a message hit me like a brick:

"Are you man enough to save your relationship with your mother?"

Save. Not fix. Not try harder. SAVE. Wow...am I really in that much danger? I don't want that...I've always wanted a better relationship with my mom but I just wanted it to happen, I never really worked for it. So I answered:

"Yes God, I am."

"Prove it."

Call it hairbrained, call it what you want, judge me if you want, I don't care. This is a message I got from God and I believe it. But even after that, I got a little bit more:

"Go the back way back to your house. Keep pedaling the whole time. Drop gear if you must, but don't stop pedaling."

Typically when I ride my bike, I go to that pavilion and go back home the way I came. The back way is a much harder path...it's a nice coast downhill for about the first mile, but then as I turn onto my road it goes into another downhill, and up an extremely steep hill for about 1/8 of a mile. I live near mountains, my friend...this isn't your typical Mechanicsburg hill, these are Halifax hills. And although I'm an athlete, endurance is NOT my thing. But it all became clear...God was telling me to prove myself. Prove I was willing to work. Prove I was willing to fight for it. Prove it.

There's actually an incline coming out of the pavilion, so I had to battle that first and that took a lot of my energy, but then I got to coast through the downhill. Then as I got to my road, I said a prayer and started. I only dropped one gear to get through the pavilion uphill, and almost to my own surprise, I watched as my fingers increased my bike to top gear going into the death hill. I kept pedaling through the pain...my feet and hands were numb, and I was literally yelling with every pedal I took.

"Prove it."

I got about 3/4 of the way up the hill in top gear. I tried pedaling one more time, and my quads gave out on me and I collapsed off to the side of the road. I had no choice but to walk the rest of the way, with my knees giving out with every step I took. Feeling like I failed for not making it the whole way, I heard from God again: "You didn't stop pedaling. Well done." That was cool.

"Chris, are you closing this note out any time in the near future?" :) Yes, I'm almost there.

God is so mysterious that we don't recognize what He's doing most of the time. If my mom hadn't gone to the hospital, I wouldn't be writing this note. I wouldn't have gone on my psycho bike ride. I wouldn't have seen God better. I found it really interesting how the path of my bike ride was actually indicative of my last few days. The first part of my bike ride was fairly easy...tiring, but definitely easy. Much like the first few days since Wednesday, found a job online, got an interview, got the job. Then as I left the pavilion on my ride, I knew a trial was coming: the hill. It was a challenge I knew I had to face and not back down from. My mom being in the hospital is like this hill. I knew our relationship wasn't the best, but it was revealed to me how much I actually DO care about my mom and how different my life would be without her. And as simple of an injury as this is, it shows me that her years are winding down, and I'm not going to have much time left with her. So I can't just expect things to get better, I have to work at it and fight for it, much like I did against that hill. God showed me a blueprint of what I need to do, and I need to do it. My mom's also a bit of a workaholic, so she gets a little time off through being in the hospital. God managed to kill two birds with one stone through swelling up my mom's ring finger. Wow.

Why does James say that we should consider it pure joy when we face trials of many kinds? Trials are...trials. They suck! But James says that the testing of our faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that we may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. I know I'm guilty of this, but I think we often quote this passage (James 1:2-4) and we leave out verse 4. I always think that I'm a man of very strong faith, so I shouldn't be facing so many trials. But perseverance has to finish it's work so that it's mature and complete, and I'm not there yet. I know the question is asked so often why God allows suffering to happen in the world if He's such a good God. Would our faith be mature and complete otherwise? Experience is probably the best teacher that we have on earth...God gives us trials and asks us to learn from them. And the trials are going to be hard, but James 1:12 says "Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him." And this isn't a crown that we're gonna see in this life, but the next. And THAT'S what it's about. Our final and greatest blessing is waiting for us after we leave this place and go home. But I believe that we have to do our part while we're here. God asked us to do work here no matter how hard, and He promises us a pretty amazing reward when we're done. We live in a broken world...that's just the way it is. But God's building us a new home that is nothing short of perfect, and that's what we're living for and straining for. Trials here are going to be hard, but they're necessary. They give us an opportunity to love the One that deserves all of our attention anyway. I know I wouldn't give Him my full attention if things were good all the time, and I sincerely doubt that YOU would either. God sees our plan in full view and He's always working for the best in our lives. So if He decides to use a trial, look for the lesson behind it. Take pride and comfort in the fact that God is making us stronger (But he knows the way that I take; when he has tested me, I will come forth as gold. - Job 23:10). Look for the opportunity to know God at a deeper level, because God's not going to magically drop it in our lap. We're not going to find God sitting on our comfortable furniture...we're going to find Him in a bike ride through a snowstorm.

Passion

Seriously God...can't You give me these thoughts a little earlier in the day? It's 2:45 AM and I'm just now beginning this. Haha...oh well, here goes.

Passion. This is all I can really think of when I start listening to my favorite band, Pillar. Their songs are filled with such Godly passion, it's hard to resist their message...not that one would really want to. Many of their songs also seem to speak to Satan, as if they're trying to challenge him. Questionable, yes. But I love it...aren't we called to defeat the enemy with God at our side? Here are a few examples of what I'm talking about:

Reckless Youth:
We are the fearless ones / We are the loaded guns / With nothing left to lose / We are the reckless youth

Frontline:
Everybody with your fists raised high / Let me hear your battle cry tonight / Stand beside or step aside / We're on the front line

Throwdown:
I will settle for no less / Than the best I've got to give / Only the strong survive / When they try to take you down /
Toe to toe, pound for pound / It's time to step up, it's time to throw down

You Are Not The End:
You can try to break me down and then / Like a phoenix I will rise again / I always do / I ALWAYS DO! /
I won't let you win / You are not the end of me (You are not the end!) / I won't let you win / I won't let you bring me to my knees

Seriously...this stuff gives me chills. These guys are passionate about the war that's still going on between Heaven and Hell, and is occurring here on earth. Go ahead and disagree with me if you'd like, but this war is very real. If you don't believe me or are tempted to undermine this, remember it was James that said, "You believe there is one God. Good! Even the demons believe that and shudder." And I don't think Jesus just handed out mental pills to all the "demon-possessed" people he encountered...no, Jesus screamed at demons to leave a person's body. Demons are very real...the Bible says so. The minute we undermine this fact is the minute we lose this war.

My day today was odd, to say the least. It all started at home when our power went out due to a big storm. Not a big deal...I was leaving shortly anyway. My health insurance is expiring in a few days and I have to renew it. After calling Highmark a few times I got no answer, so I went to Highmark to talk to them directly. The shop was closed and won't reopen until tomorrow. Fail. From there I went to a job fair and stayed there for a grand total of 45 seconds after I found out I had to go through an hour and a half long process just to talk to the hiring manager. Again, fail. Later in the evening, I was planning to stay the night in Maryland with Zac, but he got rather ill and we had to postpone our plans. Wow. I just kept taking hit after hit and it seemed like NOTHING was going right! On paper, it really looks like I had a crappy day. But honestly, it was far from it. In fact, I just kept laughing about how my day went.

Well ok...so passion. Crappy day. Spiritual war. How does this all tie together? See, I'm sure that I could have easily been torn down today had I given in to Satan's will. News flash...Satan hates God. The whole reason we have crappy days is because Satan wants to see us fall away from God. Well then, you ask, since God's so all-powerful and loving, why doesn't He just defeat Satan once and for all so Satan won't pull us away? Think about the scenario if God did that...would we honestly be in full return and service to God? Exodus 34:14, "Do not worship any other god, for the LORD, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God." Yeah, God's loving. But He's jealous too. He loves us so much that He wants our full attention, not just a simple "hey thanks for beating Satan. Cya next time." I think that God allows crappy days to happen so that we're faced with a choice, where we either give in to it or we submit our full passion and attention to God out of our own free will. I'm thankful that in this case, I kept my eyes on God the entire time and it turned out to somehow be a pretty good day.

On the way home from Messiah tonight I turned on these Pillar songs to keep me awake, but the words spoke to me and my passion. For a long time, I've struggled with the concept of passion and actually considered it a vice of mine. I tended to get passionate over something, but then wouldn't be willing to put work into it to make it come to fruition, and the passion would fizzle. So for awhile I tried to drop my passion. But one of my awesome brothers in Christ wrote a note to me, which I'll always save. One of the lines reads, "I remember in study once you told me that your passions have a tendency to burn out leaving you stuck. But I have seen your passion for the Lord drive you to great things." I was honored and flattered for that, and of course it got me thinking. This war that's going on...the Christian life, Heaven and Hell, God and Satan...we're soldiers in this thing. We as Christians made a declaration that we're going to live our lives for God, but that involves actually beating Satan in our lives. And that's not easy to do...certainly not with a mediocre ho-hum attitude. God created us to love Him and glorify Him, and that's not done nonchalantly. This is a passionate battle we're in. We're called to worship passionately and fight passionately.

I feel as though a big problem is that we think too much. Seriously. We base a lot of our lives on logic and knowledge, in order that we can maintain a stable life for ourselves. I don't really see anything wrong with that. In fact, I've always argued that God is a logical God...heck, He created logic. But I think about it more now, and I thank my brother Bill for this...but when in the Bible does God really use logic? Consider Gideon's army of 300 in Judges 7. I'm sure most of us already know, but they won that battle. Remember how many people they beat? Judges 8:10, "Now Zebah and Zalmunna were in Karkor with a force of about fifteen thousand men, all that were left of the armies of the eastern peoples; a hundred and twenty thousand swordsmen had fallen." 120,000. Not exactly logical, but Gideon was passionate and trusted God through it all. Midian fell to an army that was 0.24% of their size. Also, consider Jesus asking Peter to walk out on the water in Matthew 14. All of a sudden we see Jesus just chillin out, walking on water. Yeah, no big deal (lol). And of course Peter, the crazy passion-driven disciple says "hey I wanna come too!!!!!" So Jesus just says to do it. Peter's passion drove him to do something possible only through God. Then his logic kicked in. Matthew 14:30, "But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”" Basically Peter just said "this doesn't make sense..." and just like that, he sank.

Passion is like this. It's often not logical. What sounds more logical, earning a stable income for a family of 4 and settling down in the suburbs somewhere, or giving up everything to go serve orphans in Africa? Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying doing something like that is for everyone. But where are we going to find God and see Him more effectively? When we're stable, we have no reason for passion. Everything is "as it should be". In a sense, we don't need God. What's the alternative to God? I talked about mediocrity in a past note of mine, and I described it as "fully embracing Satan's will for your life." That means that every second that we're not pursuing God with our full passion and reckless abandon, we're not fulling our mission. We're not fighting the good fight of faith. Quite an arduous task...scary, even. And this is why I was scared of my own passion for so long...I was tired of failing. I was tired of not fulfilling my mission and screwing up so often. But God knows we're not perfect...he doesn't expect us to win this battle all by ourselves. So what happens when we fall? WE GET BACK UP. We fight again. The best soldiers always get knocked down...the truly heroic get up and continue to fight. And this is what I want to be. I want to pursue God with a fiery passion that won't ever be put out. Satan knocked me back a little bit today. The only thing that happened was that I got up stronger. I got up and I'm ready to keep fighting. And let me tell you...it feels awesome. I certainly hope there are others with me on this. The pursuit of God isn't a logical thing...it's strictly passionate. As scary as it might be, embrace passion and see what it can do. Don't be afraid of God's holy fire; He's right there to make us strong and He's promised us a crown when we're all done. Join me brothers and sisters...let's show the world what true passion for God is all about :)

It's so ridiculous to think you all just hearin' us
If you believe it let it known y'all be feelin' us
Not just the sound but the Trinity in whom we trust
It's already known who in the end will be victorious
And like KJ it's a 12-round knockout
I'll fight to the end and yo I'll be the one to walk out
Step out holdin' up the crown like a title belt
It's one bout the devil wish he never dealt!!!!!!!!

Just To Get By - Pillar