I don't expect everyone to read this...it's kinda long. But thank you to anyone who does.
The past 5 months have been really trying for me. By far, my worst semester to date...not grade-wise, but work and stress-wise. I still remember one night I threw up because of how much stress I was put under. People that know me know that that is NOT me. So that led to a summer which was looking up for me. Got my scholarship back, had a fantastic internship lined up, school was over, life was good. Then I didn't get the position for the internship. So that led to me trying to figure out what to do for the rest of the summer. Job searching off and on, but nothing. And here I sit, still jobless.
But I still had a website to work on which in my opinion, should be done right now. But it's not, simply because I haven't had the motivation to work. Not having a job to go to was really hard, and made it really difficult to maintain a good schedule. My days typically consist of going to bed around 3 AM, waking up at 1 PM, and not doing much of anything in between. Some nights I would have a softball game to go to...so I guess that was something? Yeah, some life.
But all summer I've been searching for my motivation...wondering what happened to the workaholic of the past semester. Yeah, it was nice to have a break, and I think I was entitled to one. But now it's July, and I've barely done a thing. I tried to blame it on other things. "Well, it's hard living at home with my parents...I just don't feel like working here....Well, my computer's out in the open where the TV is....I bet if I had an office I'd be more motivated!" All excuses. The problem is me whether I like it or not. So tonight I thought about it in a car ride home with my dad...and I thought of the answer.
The problem is selfishness. I've been doing things all summer that I want to do (emphatic voice on the "I"). Staying up late, waking up late, playing games and watching TV in between. It's not really a good feeling to live like that, but at the same time it's what I want. I want to be lazy and relax and not have to worry about work. Face it, don't we all REALLY want that? No work, no responsibilities, just all of our needs taken care of.
This isn't a respectable way to live. I claim to be a Christian, therefore my energies need to be focused on pleasing God. But recently we haven't been on the same page. God keeps showing me the path of what He wants. He shows His path for me through opportunities to work on websites and to serve others in that way. But like I said before...I lost my motivation and just chose to be lazy. I'm going to be brutally honest here...sometimes it's really hard to serve God simply because He's not tangible. Maybe it's a lack of faith on my part? I'm sure that's part of it...but don't we all face this dilemma? Think about it...how many times have we chosen our own path and strayed from God simply because He's not physically standing beside us? And He works in ways we don't understand. God's just mystic like that. So...pray for me in that regard.
I said before that I found an answer to my motivation problem, but never really explained it. All these thoughts came to me as I drove home from a softball practice for the sheriff's department with my dad. Even though it was just a practice, I was probably the standout player there. I was definitely the youngest and fastest, hit the ball farther than anyone else with seeming ease, made a few fancy defensive plays, and the like. (Sidenote, those of you who think I'm bragging, stop. I'm just telling it like it was. In a note trying to correct my selfishness, I'm definitely not going to put myself up on a pedestal. Sorry if I seem annoyed about it, but I hate having to defend myself as I often have in the past.) Anyway, I definitely got my baseball/softball skills from my dad. He played ball his whole life and was always good. But he's 62 now...and it was really hard watching him commit a few simple errors on fairly basic plays. In the car ride back, he was saying how hard it was accepting that he's 62...I just said "Yeah, me too."
My dad is in great shape for his age, but just like me his days are numbered. It's really hard to think about that...especially for me because I'm so close to my dad. But I definitely know how much I love to please him and make him proud.
This is the answer to my motivation problem. I lost my motivation because I became selfish and self-seeking. I know that I'm probably going to get about 30 years maximum with my dad...and I want to make him proud. I love hearing him say that. The last time that I really remember was my sophomore year at college. I called him to tell him that I wasn't going to continue to try out for the baseball team. I didn't know what exactly he would say...all I wanted was his approval, because I secretly wanted to do it so that my dad could see his son play college ball. But he told me that I got farther with baseball than he ever did......and that he was proud of me. I almost started crying over the phone...much like I am right now.
I can't continue living like this. This self-seeking, self-pleasing attitude that I have has to change. I've proven to myself that I'm not getting anywhere as long as I'm looking to please myself. I want to truly make something of myself...but not for me. The only thing I want is to hear my dad say "I'm proud of you, son." This means I'm on the right path, and he's happy. I don't just want him to say it just because I want to hear it...I want him to say it because I've earned it. It's time to change. Not because I want to, but because I have to. It's my duty and my responsibility to be a man and not a boy.
Father God, blaze the path, and I will walk. Dad....I'm gonna make you proud.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Friday, December 11, 2009
A lesson through a dream
I had a weird dream last night. I felt that God was speaking to me through it. I can't remember where I was, but I was with a few friends and a kid named Bobby. I had never seen Bobby nor had I known him in the past. He was a very rough-around-the-edges type of kid...he listened to a lot of heavy metal music and engaged in a lot of worldly activities. I struck up a conversation with Bobby and we talked about his habits. I decided to try to witness to him, but the conversation didn't go far. I was disappointed, but I felt I still made a marginal impact on him.
Then the scene shifted to Lottie. I was with Bill, Dan, and the other bio majors that I typically eat lunch with on Wednesdays. It was odd that Scott was the one that I struck up a conversation with. I believe that he is a strong Christian and he has given me no other reason to believe otherwise ("Thus, by their fruits you will recognize them" Matthew 7:20). But in my dream, Scott was not a Christian. He was still relatively quiet and he still maintained aspects of his personality, but he was just not a Christian. So again I struck up a conversation about God and why he isn't a Christian. He responded with something like, "Well, it's just not for me. I can rely on myself and I don't need God. I guess I just lie at one end of the spectrum." Then we started talking about what it actually means to be a Christian...mainly the servant aspect. When we started talking about this, I accidentally knocked over Dan's drink. When I did this, I acted hastily to clean the mess up. But then I paused and looked at Scott and said, "You say you lie at one end of the spectrum. Let me show you what the other end of the spectrum looks like." I promptly got up and went to get Dan another drink and brought it back to him. I'm sure in real life, this wouldn't mean too much. But when I did this in my dream, I could see that Scott was convicted. I was happy not for what I did, but for the fact that now Scott seemed to want to be a part of something bigger than ourselves.
I'm not sure why I dreamed the things I dreamed, but I felt that God was speaking to me through them. We can all be a part of something bigger if we look for opportunities and listen for God. God speaks whenever He chooses and wherever He chooses. This time, He decided to speak to me in a somewhat nonsensical dream. We can all afford to learn a lesson every once in awhile. Today, my lesson is to look for opportunities to share God. He calls us to action every day. It's our choice to follow. I know...finals are here, schoolwork is always around, and studying will never go away. But God is here too. Are you prepared to tell the God of Creation that your work is bigger than Him? Yes, God wants us to work hard at the tasks at hand, but we can't forget about the ultimate mission to which he has called us as Christians.
Then the scene shifted to Lottie. I was with Bill, Dan, and the other bio majors that I typically eat lunch with on Wednesdays. It was odd that Scott was the one that I struck up a conversation with. I believe that he is a strong Christian and he has given me no other reason to believe otherwise ("Thus, by their fruits you will recognize them" Matthew 7:20). But in my dream, Scott was not a Christian. He was still relatively quiet and he still maintained aspects of his personality, but he was just not a Christian. So again I struck up a conversation about God and why he isn't a Christian. He responded with something like, "Well, it's just not for me. I can rely on myself and I don't need God. I guess I just lie at one end of the spectrum." Then we started talking about what it actually means to be a Christian...mainly the servant aspect. When we started talking about this, I accidentally knocked over Dan's drink. When I did this, I acted hastily to clean the mess up. But then I paused and looked at Scott and said, "You say you lie at one end of the spectrum. Let me show you what the other end of the spectrum looks like." I promptly got up and went to get Dan another drink and brought it back to him. I'm sure in real life, this wouldn't mean too much. But when I did this in my dream, I could see that Scott was convicted. I was happy not for what I did, but for the fact that now Scott seemed to want to be a part of something bigger than ourselves.
I'm not sure why I dreamed the things I dreamed, but I felt that God was speaking to me through them. We can all be a part of something bigger if we look for opportunities and listen for God. God speaks whenever He chooses and wherever He chooses. This time, He decided to speak to me in a somewhat nonsensical dream. We can all afford to learn a lesson every once in awhile. Today, my lesson is to look for opportunities to share God. He calls us to action every day. It's our choice to follow. I know...finals are here, schoolwork is always around, and studying will never go away. But God is here too. Are you prepared to tell the God of Creation that your work is bigger than Him? Yes, God wants us to work hard at the tasks at hand, but we can't forget about the ultimate mission to which he has called us as Christians.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Reflections on Destiny
I'm not looking for feedback, but if you feel led to comment then please feel free to do so. This is just what has been on my heart lately.
It's strange how you learn the most about yourself when you've hit rock bottom. That's how I felt today. As I sat in my Database Concepts class, this thought popped into my head about destiny. We had Professor Nejmeh come into class to tell us about the next class after this one, Database Applications (which I'll be taking in the spring). He told us about the World Vision project that occurred last year and just what a great experience it was, and how it truly helped those in need. It seems that in the spring, we'll be undertaking another great project similar to the one that occurred last year. He mentioned my roommate Phil various times, and the simple quote that appears as Phil's Skype status, "This is how you change the world." I never knew what Phil meant by that and I had never bothered to ask, but it's incredibly cool knowing that through this project in Africa, they really DID change the world. Then a very simple but profound quote popped into my head, which was very appropriate for the way I've been acting the past few weeks. It was simply,
"Am I destined for greater things?"
Recently I've been angry. Angry at what? I don't even know. I've just been generally unhappy and unsatisfied with almost everything. I wasn't necessarily angry at God or angry at anyone in particular...I've just been angry. And it's been a vicious cycle. Since I don't know what I've been angry about, it makes me angrier because I feel helpless to rectify the issue. It's been a cycle that has seemed to capitalize today. I came back from my 8:00 class extremely frustrated because my professor who NEVER assigns us homework (besides the papers...one due last week and one due next week) gave us homework due next week...the same time as the paper. I was especially annoyed because I had planned out my entire week of work based on the fact that my girlfriend who's been in Australia for the past 4 months is coming back on Saturday, so I needed to have all of my homework done before the weekend when I go up to visit her. So I came back to the room about ready to break the world in half, and I went to my next class figuring that with my luck, I'd get more homework. But this was the class where Professor Nejmeh told us about the World Vision project and when this quote popped into my head.
Like I said, you learn the most about yourself when you hit rock bottom. Here, I felt myself about ready to hit that rock. In the midst of it all, I could feel my selfishness and my self-pity exuding from me, as if it was saying "Woe is me, things didn't go my way and now I have to re-plan some things. And, God forbid, I might actually have to do a little WORK." That was about the time that I felt God saying, "Alright, shut up. It's my turn to speak." You don't think He's that harsh? Remember when Peter denied Jesus three times when the rooster crowed? Then Peter looked at the bloodied face of Jesus, still with enough power to shoot a disappointed look towards Peter. Call it tough love. Peter learned his lesson. What I need many times is tough love. When it comes from God, I definitely listen.
I'm a fairly average student. I have a scholarship where I need to keep a 3.0 total GPA for the year. Right now I have a 2.8, which is fine if I get a 3.2 in the spring. But my classes are relatively easy this semester, and they're going to get much harder next semester. But this question keeps popping into my head and it's stirring a stronger will in me...the will to achieve. I mentioned my roommate Phil and how he had a hand in the World Vision project. He's been a great mentor to me whether he realizes it or not. He just seems to have it all together, even though I'm sure he'd be the first to admit that he doesn't. But he works hard and it's encouraging, even more so because it's in the field that I want to be in when I graduate from college. It's been a real blessing to live with him this year, because his work has shown me that all it takes is a little self-application. Because "This is how you change the world".
So what does God have destined for me? Am I going to grow up and be a super-programmer for a prestigious company? Maybe. Will I grow older and be a bum on the street, begging for a few pennies and huddled in a box waiting until the day I die? Also maybe. But I know what God has gifted me with. He has gifted me with an inquisitive mind that can figure things out. He's gifted me with the ability to work with computers and understand what makes them work. He's gifted me with the ability to communicate with others and be an encouragement. He's gifted me with blessings that I take for granted every day. Who am I to complain about an unwanted assignment when others aren't even complaining about the food that they might NOT receive the next day? God has blessed me with the opportunity to go to Messiah College, where I will receive a great education, and where I may have even met the girl with whom I'll spend the rest of my life. And yet I go from class to class, grumbling that I may actually have to apply myself to what God wants me to learn. No...no more. No more of this mindless complaining. No more of the selfishness. No more of the "Woe is me". So my girlfriend is in Australia...she's only there for 4 more days! Some men are sent off to war with the premonition that they won't even see their girlfriend again! WHO AM I TO COMPLAIN?!?!? Not anymore. God didn't create me to tell Him that He messed up with me. He didn't create me to have me tell Him how my life should roll. He created me to worship Him alone, that He might be pleased with the way I live my life.
So, "am I destined for greater things?" The answer is yes. I can't let myself fall into my old mindset anymore. I've been blessed beyond belief, and it's evident all around me. Now I have to use what I've been blessed for God and for others. I want to change the world too.
It's strange how you learn the most about yourself when you've hit rock bottom. That's how I felt today. As I sat in my Database Concepts class, this thought popped into my head about destiny. We had Professor Nejmeh come into class to tell us about the next class after this one, Database Applications (which I'll be taking in the spring). He told us about the World Vision project that occurred last year and just what a great experience it was, and how it truly helped those in need. It seems that in the spring, we'll be undertaking another great project similar to the one that occurred last year. He mentioned my roommate Phil various times, and the simple quote that appears as Phil's Skype status, "This is how you change the world." I never knew what Phil meant by that and I had never bothered to ask, but it's incredibly cool knowing that through this project in Africa, they really DID change the world. Then a very simple but profound quote popped into my head, which was very appropriate for the way I've been acting the past few weeks. It was simply,
"Am I destined for greater things?"
Recently I've been angry. Angry at what? I don't even know. I've just been generally unhappy and unsatisfied with almost everything. I wasn't necessarily angry at God or angry at anyone in particular...I've just been angry. And it's been a vicious cycle. Since I don't know what I've been angry about, it makes me angrier because I feel helpless to rectify the issue. It's been a cycle that has seemed to capitalize today. I came back from my 8:00 class extremely frustrated because my professor who NEVER assigns us homework (besides the papers...one due last week and one due next week) gave us homework due next week...the same time as the paper. I was especially annoyed because I had planned out my entire week of work based on the fact that my girlfriend who's been in Australia for the past 4 months is coming back on Saturday, so I needed to have all of my homework done before the weekend when I go up to visit her. So I came back to the room about ready to break the world in half, and I went to my next class figuring that with my luck, I'd get more homework. But this was the class where Professor Nejmeh told us about the World Vision project and when this quote popped into my head.
Like I said, you learn the most about yourself when you hit rock bottom. Here, I felt myself about ready to hit that rock. In the midst of it all, I could feel my selfishness and my self-pity exuding from me, as if it was saying "Woe is me, things didn't go my way and now I have to re-plan some things. And, God forbid, I might actually have to do a little WORK." That was about the time that I felt God saying, "Alright, shut up. It's my turn to speak." You don't think He's that harsh? Remember when Peter denied Jesus three times when the rooster crowed? Then Peter looked at the bloodied face of Jesus, still with enough power to shoot a disappointed look towards Peter. Call it tough love. Peter learned his lesson. What I need many times is tough love. When it comes from God, I definitely listen.
I'm a fairly average student. I have a scholarship where I need to keep a 3.0 total GPA for the year. Right now I have a 2.8, which is fine if I get a 3.2 in the spring. But my classes are relatively easy this semester, and they're going to get much harder next semester. But this question keeps popping into my head and it's stirring a stronger will in me...the will to achieve. I mentioned my roommate Phil and how he had a hand in the World Vision project. He's been a great mentor to me whether he realizes it or not. He just seems to have it all together, even though I'm sure he'd be the first to admit that he doesn't. But he works hard and it's encouraging, even more so because it's in the field that I want to be in when I graduate from college. It's been a real blessing to live with him this year, because his work has shown me that all it takes is a little self-application. Because "This is how you change the world".
So what does God have destined for me? Am I going to grow up and be a super-programmer for a prestigious company? Maybe. Will I grow older and be a bum on the street, begging for a few pennies and huddled in a box waiting until the day I die? Also maybe. But I know what God has gifted me with. He has gifted me with an inquisitive mind that can figure things out. He's gifted me with the ability to work with computers and understand what makes them work. He's gifted me with the ability to communicate with others and be an encouragement. He's gifted me with blessings that I take for granted every day. Who am I to complain about an unwanted assignment when others aren't even complaining about the food that they might NOT receive the next day? God has blessed me with the opportunity to go to Messiah College, where I will receive a great education, and where I may have even met the girl with whom I'll spend the rest of my life. And yet I go from class to class, grumbling that I may actually have to apply myself to what God wants me to learn. No...no more. No more of this mindless complaining. No more of the selfishness. No more of the "Woe is me". So my girlfriend is in Australia...she's only there for 4 more days! Some men are sent off to war with the premonition that they won't even see their girlfriend again! WHO AM I TO COMPLAIN?!?!? Not anymore. God didn't create me to tell Him that He messed up with me. He didn't create me to have me tell Him how my life should roll. He created me to worship Him alone, that He might be pleased with the way I live my life.
So, "am I destined for greater things?" The answer is yes. I can't let myself fall into my old mindset anymore. I've been blessed beyond belief, and it's evident all around me. Now I have to use what I've been blessed for God and for others. I want to change the world too.
Monday, January 26, 2009
World or Soul? You choose.
Well, so much for going to bed at a decent time. I'm just starting this one at 2:12 a.m., and i'm waking up in 6 hours. Oh well, I want this to be written down because I feel like it's almost haunting me.
It's weird how these thoughts come to me when I have a paper to do. Simple 3-pager, but this thought in my mind is just overwhelming right now that I need to get out. It's based off of a verse that is still going up on my "favorite verses" list: Matthew 16:26 "What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul? Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul?" It's so weird how this verse came to me through what was arguably the silliest skit that my missions team did in Peru for the past 3 summers, but it's affected me greatly and has caused deep troubling inside of me.
Well, the thought hit me again after the church service today when the guest speaker was preaching on the first 10-12 verses of Matthew 5, a.k.a. the Beatitudes. The speaker clearly outlined how there is a flow to the blessings that Jesus issued to the crowd...I found it rather intriguing. It shows the step-by-step process of what we must do to live like Jesus and to wholeheartedly follow him. First, we must come to the realization that none of our worldly possessions matter...it all belongs to God. The speaker even went as far as to say that our relationships don't even matter for us since everything is God's (which, sitting next to my girlfriend, I felt a little uncomfortable hearing...haha). But upon this realization, we mourn. And Jesus then promises us that those who mourn will be comforted. Not necessarily by what's around us, but the promise of God is there to comfort us. Next comes meekness, which the speaker described not as powerlessness, but as a surrender of power. This involves such incredible humility, which I continue to struggle with every day, and probably will my whole life. Anyway, the passage goes on and climaxes at "Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God." We need to humble ourselves greatly, so far that we give freely of ourselves to go out and create peace and social order in circles that we establish ourselves in.
Ok, well I guess that was a little message inside of another. It's hard not to go into tangents at these hours. But after the service, I got into thinking about following Jesus and what it takes. I know it takes a heck of a lot more than what I've been putting in. I think my attitude recently has been self-seeking and somewhat distant from God. I find that strange, especially because of the high spirits I've been in for the past month. 12/28/08, that's when Mindi and I started dating...she's absolutely wonderful. I told her before that I want to be a better person because of her...I want to give her the very best I can because I feel she deserves it. And she does deserve it. And I thought I've been doing a pretty good job of it too, but I'm still haunted. I'm also reminded of something that Dan told me to be cautious of, and I know I haven't been guarding well against, and that's where my focus is at. Who do I ultimately what to be a better person for? It SHOULD be God...it hasn't been. That's where this whole self-seeking attitude has come from. It's come from misdirection in my life.
I've recently been asking myself what's wrong with me. I've questioned myself as a man, and I wonder where my fire went. Well, my Sunday climaxed with my paper that still needed to be done, and I turned on some music. First just some instrumental stuff, then I let my mind wander and decided to turn on music with words to it. I started to play my favorite TobyMac song, Lose My Soul. The entire song is the same message that Jesus preached in Matthew 16:26, just put in Laymen's terms for the common mind to comprehend. The simple chorus is "I don't wanna gain the whole world and lose my soul." I hear it all the time and I go into thought every time I hear it, but something different happened this time. When I heard the chorus, I felt completely empty inside. I sat back in my chair and just...felt it. It didn't feel good. Pieces of the puzzle came together in Toby's song and I began thinking....again.
What do I deserve? Do I deserve mercy? Do I deserve grace? A savior? A second chance? I deserve none of them. But I received all of them. Why? Because God loves me that much to do it. And what do I decide to do with it all? I decide to toss it into the hellfire and live as if nothing changed. How can I possibly crawl back, kissing God's feet saying "oh crap, sorry God, I screwed up again...forgive me?" But he still says yes! YES I'll forgive you! Now LIVE for me! Act like you actually want to be a better man! Act like the son of God that I want you to be! And I ask myself....why do I always make it so difficult? Heh....I just don't know. I see the blessings all around me, and the blessings that I can't see are eternal. But I still know they're there. I've been living my life in order so that I can gain the world. I've been too busy trying to impress people, show off, and physically accomplish as much as possible without being a peacemaker and aiming for the kingdom of Heaven.
And this is what happens to all of us. Yeah we see the rich get richer and the poor get poorer, and we see the evil prosper while the righteous get knocked down. Isn't that the promise though? "Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven." Our reward's not here. It comes later. The evil reap their rewards now while they still can. They won't get to take anything with them except for the long list of all the people they stepped on so they could be at the top. And they get to present that to God at the Judgment. These are the people we need to reach out to. And this is also what we need to guard ourselves against, ESPECIALLY in this prosperous country of America. Reach out to those who are begging for their real purpose in life, even if they don't know it.
As for me, I need to do the same. I still need to find where my real focus goes. I know exactly where it's supposed to be, it's just not there right now. I need to re-ignite my disciplined life that I once lived to be the true man that God wants me to be. I need to be deserving of a girl like Mindi. I don't deserve her, but I sure consider myself lucky to have her. She's more of a blessing to me than she might know. And I want to be the best I can be for her...but it starts vertically. Pray for me in this quest of mine to find my discipline and be back on the same page with God.
"What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul? Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul?"
I now know, because of when I actually made the exchange. I'm not doing it again.
It's weird how these thoughts come to me when I have a paper to do. Simple 3-pager, but this thought in my mind is just overwhelming right now that I need to get out. It's based off of a verse that is still going up on my "favorite verses" list: Matthew 16:26 "What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul? Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul?" It's so weird how this verse came to me through what was arguably the silliest skit that my missions team did in Peru for the past 3 summers, but it's affected me greatly and has caused deep troubling inside of me.
Well, the thought hit me again after the church service today when the guest speaker was preaching on the first 10-12 verses of Matthew 5, a.k.a. the Beatitudes. The speaker clearly outlined how there is a flow to the blessings that Jesus issued to the crowd...I found it rather intriguing. It shows the step-by-step process of what we must do to live like Jesus and to wholeheartedly follow him. First, we must come to the realization that none of our worldly possessions matter...it all belongs to God. The speaker even went as far as to say that our relationships don't even matter for us since everything is God's (which, sitting next to my girlfriend, I felt a little uncomfortable hearing...haha). But upon this realization, we mourn. And Jesus then promises us that those who mourn will be comforted. Not necessarily by what's around us, but the promise of God is there to comfort us. Next comes meekness, which the speaker described not as powerlessness, but as a surrender of power. This involves such incredible humility, which I continue to struggle with every day, and probably will my whole life. Anyway, the passage goes on and climaxes at "Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God." We need to humble ourselves greatly, so far that we give freely of ourselves to go out and create peace and social order in circles that we establish ourselves in.
Ok, well I guess that was a little message inside of another. It's hard not to go into tangents at these hours. But after the service, I got into thinking about following Jesus and what it takes. I know it takes a heck of a lot more than what I've been putting in. I think my attitude recently has been self-seeking and somewhat distant from God. I find that strange, especially because of the high spirits I've been in for the past month. 12/28/08, that's when Mindi and I started dating...she's absolutely wonderful. I told her before that I want to be a better person because of her...I want to give her the very best I can because I feel she deserves it. And she does deserve it. And I thought I've been doing a pretty good job of it too, but I'm still haunted. I'm also reminded of something that Dan told me to be cautious of, and I know I haven't been guarding well against, and that's where my focus is at. Who do I ultimately what to be a better person for? It SHOULD be God...it hasn't been. That's where this whole self-seeking attitude has come from. It's come from misdirection in my life.
I've recently been asking myself what's wrong with me. I've questioned myself as a man, and I wonder where my fire went. Well, my Sunday climaxed with my paper that still needed to be done, and I turned on some music. First just some instrumental stuff, then I let my mind wander and decided to turn on music with words to it. I started to play my favorite TobyMac song, Lose My Soul. The entire song is the same message that Jesus preached in Matthew 16:26, just put in Laymen's terms for the common mind to comprehend. The simple chorus is "I don't wanna gain the whole world and lose my soul." I hear it all the time and I go into thought every time I hear it, but something different happened this time. When I heard the chorus, I felt completely empty inside. I sat back in my chair and just...felt it. It didn't feel good. Pieces of the puzzle came together in Toby's song and I began thinking....again.
What do I deserve? Do I deserve mercy? Do I deserve grace? A savior? A second chance? I deserve none of them. But I received all of them. Why? Because God loves me that much to do it. And what do I decide to do with it all? I decide to toss it into the hellfire and live as if nothing changed. How can I possibly crawl back, kissing God's feet saying "oh crap, sorry God, I screwed up again...forgive me?" But he still says yes! YES I'll forgive you! Now LIVE for me! Act like you actually want to be a better man! Act like the son of God that I want you to be! And I ask myself....why do I always make it so difficult? Heh....I just don't know. I see the blessings all around me, and the blessings that I can't see are eternal. But I still know they're there. I've been living my life in order so that I can gain the world. I've been too busy trying to impress people, show off, and physically accomplish as much as possible without being a peacemaker and aiming for the kingdom of Heaven.
And this is what happens to all of us. Yeah we see the rich get richer and the poor get poorer, and we see the evil prosper while the righteous get knocked down. Isn't that the promise though? "Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven." Our reward's not here. It comes later. The evil reap their rewards now while they still can. They won't get to take anything with them except for the long list of all the people they stepped on so they could be at the top. And they get to present that to God at the Judgment. These are the people we need to reach out to. And this is also what we need to guard ourselves against, ESPECIALLY in this prosperous country of America. Reach out to those who are begging for their real purpose in life, even if they don't know it.
As for me, I need to do the same. I still need to find where my real focus goes. I know exactly where it's supposed to be, it's just not there right now. I need to re-ignite my disciplined life that I once lived to be the true man that God wants me to be. I need to be deserving of a girl like Mindi. I don't deserve her, but I sure consider myself lucky to have her. She's more of a blessing to me than she might know. And I want to be the best I can be for her...but it starts vertically. Pray for me in this quest of mine to find my discipline and be back on the same page with God.
"What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul? Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul?"
I now know, because of when I actually made the exchange. I'm not doing it again.
Saturday, October 18, 2008
The Pursuit of Excellence
Excellence - The quality of being excellent; state of possessing good qualities in an eminent degree; exalted merit; superiority in virtue.
Webster’s definition. Take it for what it’s worth. But I think it’s missing something.
This thought popped into my head as I walked back from my Thursday night history seminar, as I looked at my “C” on my history exam that was just returned to me. History’s not my forte. Anyway, as I was walking back, I started thinking about this concept of excellence. What is it? What does it take to achieve it? How do I act to realize it? After thinking about it for little while, I came to the conclusion that excellence denotes an aspect of selflessness.
The parable of the talents is a good one for my point. The master only said “Well done, my good and faithful servants” to the ones that gave the master the original amount entrusted them PLUS interest. The master saw excellence in these servants. And these servants experienced excellence, because they knew that they wouldn’t get anything out of their actions other than a big pat on the back. They did everything not for themselves, but for others, and were therefore excellent.
Recently I’ve been rather swamped with homework and such. I’ve had to make up for a week or two of goofing off in September, and I’m still feeling the effects of that. Luckily I have a pretty tight schedule that I’ve been following, and I’ve actually been doing rather well. I have good grades in all of my classes, yet I don’t feel excellent. Why? Just because I'm successful in this area, at least for now, doesn't denote excellence to me. I still screw up in other areas.
It's really amazing how events that transpired Thursday night were so closely related to this thought of excellence. I had to sit by myself on Cemetery Hill for an hour and a half to tend to a few matters, and to reflect on myself. I found out the answer that night as to why excellence wasn't a part of me. I became the very person that i vowed I never would become. I let the very aspect of me that I despise to overtake me completely. I became prideful. Selfish. Arrogant. I have to be on myself every day about my pride, and I became lax. Pride overtook my life without me even realizing it, to the point that I was actually in denial about it. I mistreated my friends and was completely self-seeking in most of what I did.
The absence of excellence was brought on by the consumption of selfish pride. It made sense when I thought more about it. Have you ever performed a service for someone other than yourself? Hopefully yes. Next question....were you expecting to get anything out of it for yourself? That's selfishness. There's nothing excellent about that. People may feel good about themselves because they help out at a homeless shelter once a year, during Thanksgiving or something. They do it so they can say they performed their good deed; so they can feel that warm, fuzzy feeling. Maybe I'm being too harsh, but I really don't think I am. I know there are true philanthropists out there that truly sacrifice their time for others. Kudos. That's excellence.
I always enjoy holding doors for people. Barely a sacrifice, but I always feel excellent about doing it. But the reason that I experience excellence is because I don't do it for the feeling. I just do it because it's a service to someone else. It's to make THEM feel good. This is the excellence that I need to experience every day. How much greater would this world be if everyone strived for selfless excellence? There would be no need to worry about the self...because there would always be someone else there to be a humble servant. The world needs humble servants, not service with alterior motives.
What does this mean for me now? I have some things that I need to work on with God's help. Speaking of God, He's the reason I need to live this way. He's the ultimate role model; the ultimate servant-leader. For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve and give his life as a ransom for many. True excellence, found in Mark 10:45. He didn't to it for attention or because it made him feel good. He didn't need to do anything to make him feel good...he was God! That should be a good enough feeling in and of itself. But he served others because it was excellent to do so. This is what I need to employ in my life. I need to get my eyes off of my own selfish desires and look to the desires of others. Think about it....I'm nothing. I'm not trying to blast myself or anything, but I truly am nothing. The Bible says so: "In the same way, count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus." Romans 6:11. In my own power, I have the power of a corpse. They don't do much besides lie in their respective coffins. I need God so that I can be excellent, because I can't do it on my own. No one can. I need to be excellent in all areas of my life. I need to be selfless to my friends, my family, and everyone around me. I need to be completely God-fearing in my actions. Even in my physical activities and my homework, I need to give it to God so that it can be excellent.
Bottom line: I need God. We need God. Excellence is impossible on one's own power. People may kid themselves by thinking that they can do it all. They look successful because of their house or car or status in life. One of my favorite verses has the answer for that, and it's the verse that I close this with.
Matthew 16:26 "For what profit is it to a man if he gains the whole world, and loses his own soul?"
Pursue excellence. Please.
Webster’s definition. Take it for what it’s worth. But I think it’s missing something.
This thought popped into my head as I walked back from my Thursday night history seminar, as I looked at my “C” on my history exam that was just returned to me. History’s not my forte. Anyway, as I was walking back, I started thinking about this concept of excellence. What is it? What does it take to achieve it? How do I act to realize it? After thinking about it for little while, I came to the conclusion that excellence denotes an aspect of selflessness.
The parable of the talents is a good one for my point. The master only said “Well done, my good and faithful servants” to the ones that gave the master the original amount entrusted them PLUS interest. The master saw excellence in these servants. And these servants experienced excellence, because they knew that they wouldn’t get anything out of their actions other than a big pat on the back. They did everything not for themselves, but for others, and were therefore excellent.
Recently I’ve been rather swamped with homework and such. I’ve had to make up for a week or two of goofing off in September, and I’m still feeling the effects of that. Luckily I have a pretty tight schedule that I’ve been following, and I’ve actually been doing rather well. I have good grades in all of my classes, yet I don’t feel excellent. Why? Just because I'm successful in this area, at least for now, doesn't denote excellence to me. I still screw up in other areas.
It's really amazing how events that transpired Thursday night were so closely related to this thought of excellence. I had to sit by myself on Cemetery Hill for an hour and a half to tend to a few matters, and to reflect on myself. I found out the answer that night as to why excellence wasn't a part of me. I became the very person that i vowed I never would become. I let the very aspect of me that I despise to overtake me completely. I became prideful. Selfish. Arrogant. I have to be on myself every day about my pride, and I became lax. Pride overtook my life without me even realizing it, to the point that I was actually in denial about it. I mistreated my friends and was completely self-seeking in most of what I did.
The absence of excellence was brought on by the consumption of selfish pride. It made sense when I thought more about it. Have you ever performed a service for someone other than yourself? Hopefully yes. Next question....were you expecting to get anything out of it for yourself? That's selfishness. There's nothing excellent about that. People may feel good about themselves because they help out at a homeless shelter once a year, during Thanksgiving or something. They do it so they can say they performed their good deed; so they can feel that warm, fuzzy feeling. Maybe I'm being too harsh, but I really don't think I am. I know there are true philanthropists out there that truly sacrifice their time for others. Kudos. That's excellence.
I always enjoy holding doors for people. Barely a sacrifice, but I always feel excellent about doing it. But the reason that I experience excellence is because I don't do it for the feeling. I just do it because it's a service to someone else. It's to make THEM feel good. This is the excellence that I need to experience every day. How much greater would this world be if everyone strived for selfless excellence? There would be no need to worry about the self...because there would always be someone else there to be a humble servant. The world needs humble servants, not service with alterior motives.
What does this mean for me now? I have some things that I need to work on with God's help. Speaking of God, He's the reason I need to live this way. He's the ultimate role model; the ultimate servant-leader. For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve and give his life as a ransom for many. True excellence, found in Mark 10:45. He didn't to it for attention or because it made him feel good. He didn't need to do anything to make him feel good...he was God! That should be a good enough feeling in and of itself. But he served others because it was excellent to do so. This is what I need to employ in my life. I need to get my eyes off of my own selfish desires and look to the desires of others. Think about it....I'm nothing. I'm not trying to blast myself or anything, but I truly am nothing. The Bible says so: "In the same way, count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus." Romans 6:11. In my own power, I have the power of a corpse. They don't do much besides lie in their respective coffins. I need God so that I can be excellent, because I can't do it on my own. No one can. I need to be excellent in all areas of my life. I need to be selfless to my friends, my family, and everyone around me. I need to be completely God-fearing in my actions. Even in my physical activities and my homework, I need to give it to God so that it can be excellent.
Bottom line: I need God. We need God. Excellence is impossible on one's own power. People may kid themselves by thinking that they can do it all. They look successful because of their house or car or status in life. One of my favorite verses has the answer for that, and it's the verse that I close this with.
Matthew 16:26 "For what profit is it to a man if he gains the whole world, and loses his own soul?"
Pursue excellence. Please.
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
The Future of Christian Rock Music
If you know me, then you probably know that Christian rock is my favorite genre of music. I prefer the harder stuff, but not really the screaming of Demon Hunter and Underoath. So my favorite bands consist of Pillar, Thousand Foot Krutch, P.O.D., Kutless, Sanctus Real, and such. But of course, bands don't last forever, and I often wonder what I'll listen to when bands like Pillar stop releasing albums. From what I've listened to recently though, it seems the future is bright. I've been listening to Last.fm radio (which by the way, everyone needs to get an account on. www.last.fm) and you can just type in a band and it'll start playing music from other similar bands. So while the music was playing, a band called Decyfer Down came up. I have to admit, they have a REALLY cool and addicting sound. So I decided to look them up a little more, and they've only released one album in 2006, with a new one coming out in September 2008. I also read their band story, and it's a really good one. One of the guys got involved in drugs and drinking and stuff like that, but now he's singing for God....there's nothing greater than that.
The band as a whole focuses on singing about truth. Here's a quote from their website: Decipher means "to interpret," and the moniker Decyfer Down fit perfectly, as the band aimed to interpret truth based on God's Word while stripping it down from religious traditions and terms. States Josh, "We're simply out to give a positive message of hope that has truth streaming all the way down the middle of it."
I personally don't like it when they say that they strip it down of religious traditions and terms, but who am I to judge? I just hope that by doing that, they don't accidentally strip away God too. But I know each member of the band has been through a lot in their lives, and now they get to live the dream. They perform with many secular bands like Breaking Benjamin, Theory of a Dead Man, and Crossfade, and they say that each band knows that Decyfer Down is a Christian band. It's truly awesome that these other bands feel the influence of Decyfer Down, and I hope that this band keeps succeeding in all that they do for God's Kingdom. Here's the new face of Christian hard rock: Decyfer Down. Look them up!
http://www.last.fm/music/Decyfer+Down
The band as a whole focuses on singing about truth. Here's a quote from their website: Decipher means "to interpret," and the moniker Decyfer Down fit perfectly, as the band aimed to interpret truth based on God's Word while stripping it down from religious traditions and terms. States Josh, "We're simply out to give a positive message of hope that has truth streaming all the way down the middle of it."
I personally don't like it when they say that they strip it down of religious traditions and terms, but who am I to judge? I just hope that by doing that, they don't accidentally strip away God too. But I know each member of the band has been through a lot in their lives, and now they get to live the dream. They perform with many secular bands like Breaking Benjamin, Theory of a Dead Man, and Crossfade, and they say that each band knows that Decyfer Down is a Christian band. It's truly awesome that these other bands feel the influence of Decyfer Down, and I hope that this band keeps succeeding in all that they do for God's Kingdom. Here's the new face of Christian hard rock: Decyfer Down. Look them up!
http://www.last.fm/music/Decyfer+Down
Friday, June 6, 2008
Pillar devotional 3: Unity
Title of song: Unity
Link to song: nowhere to be found! ARGH!
Lyrics to song: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/p/pillar/unity.html
Message title: "Love Undivided by Denomination"
First of all, I'm extremely disappointed that I can't find a single link to the actual song. It's a shame too, it's a good song. But please, as you're reading this note, at least read the lyrics. There's a youtube video in the side of the lyrics page with Pillar performing the song live. It's definitely not as good as the version from the recording studio, but at least you would know what it sort of sounds like. But I digress. Now, here I go.
I can't really say that this song has convicted me, but it reflects my EXACT views on what I think is a very important and unaddressed issue: denominations. Like I said, it's unaddressed and many people think of it as a non-issue, as if it's not important to discuss. On the contrary. I think that denominations is one of the biggest downfalls of the Christian population today. And yes, I used proper grammar.
Jesus didn't call us to be divided in the church. The church is His bride, and we need to be united under Him and Him only. The very definition of denomination actually implies division, which is just plain wrong. Let me ask, how can we be effective Christians if we are divided? If we're divided, we're not together in Christ.
I've implied that denominations as a whole is a bad thing. I've probably flat out said it, but denominations isn't a great evil in and of itself. The problem lies in how we handle it in the church. Denominations are so poorly handled, and it's to the point that we actually hate each other based solely on what denomination we affiliate ourselves with! It's so revolting and I just can't stand it. Let me run a little scenario just to clarify what I'm talking about. Just imagine two people meeting for the first time, and we'll assume they're both Christians too. They get to talking to each other and realize that they have a lot in common. But then one asks the other what church they go to. The other responds by saying "Oh I go to such-and-such Baptist Church." And instantly the respond is "Oh.....you're a Baptist." Whether they actually say that out loud or not, I'm sure it's a thought. And right there, the other person instantly loses a little bit of respect just because their new friend happens to be a Baptist. Hopefully you see what I mean here. It's a tragedy, and it's serious. The thing that I hate most about it is the constant hating of other people. We all have different views about various issues, which is what I think is the main reason for the existence of denominations, and I think that it's fine as long as we don't hate each other for having different views. This hating that goes on makes Christians possibly the most hypocritical people of our nation. We follow a God that teaches us about love, and we can't even show love to the people in our own community. How sad. How truly freaking sad.
Why do we have to judge each other based on what denomination we are? Why did I have to enter it in to like, every SAT form that I filled out? It seriously puzzles and distresses me. I once went to a friend's house, and I was asked by their parents what denomination I was. It was my first time meeting their parents so I didn't make a big deal about it, but I just simply replied "I'm nondenominational." And I was seriously looked at like I had two heads. I can't possibly affiliate myself with a denomination...it goes against what I stand for as a Christian. If the concept of denominations was handled properly, then maybe I would. But I just can't. I don't care what denomination someone is...I want to learn to love them regardless. That's what it should be about.
Pillar's song is all about unity with each other. But obviously, it's impossible to be unified if we're divided. The song does what I'm doing right now; it takes a shot at denominations and what it does to our unity in Christ.
Pillar does it again with their driving lyrics. Take a lesson from this. For the Christians reading this, don't fall into division. The world is watching us and waiting for us to slip up. And when we do, people will be sure to let us know in the nastiest and most degrading way. Don't let it happen! We are called to be UNITED IN CHRIST! DON'T JUDGE! DON'T HATE! JUST LOVE!!!! And to those that don't call themselves Christians....I'm sorry. There are still solid Christians out there that still show love in all situations. Please give them a chance, they have a lot to teach and share.
I apologize for possible lack of coherency in this note. My thoughts are somewhat scattered and it's hard to organize them the way I want to, but I think you get my drift. The Christians of the nation absolutely cannot be a divided people. Don't let denominations get in the way of what we truly are: Christians. Be unified. Be loving.
"It's a shame that the body of Christ is so broken" (referring to the church).
-Dr. Roberson, my CCC professor
Link to song: nowhere to be found! ARGH!
Lyrics to song: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/p/pillar/unity.html
Message title: "Love Undivided by Denomination"
First of all, I'm extremely disappointed that I can't find a single link to the actual song. It's a shame too, it's a good song. But please, as you're reading this note, at least read the lyrics. There's a youtube video in the side of the lyrics page with Pillar performing the song live. It's definitely not as good as the version from the recording studio, but at least you would know what it sort of sounds like. But I digress. Now, here I go.
I can't really say that this song has convicted me, but it reflects my EXACT views on what I think is a very important and unaddressed issue: denominations. Like I said, it's unaddressed and many people think of it as a non-issue, as if it's not important to discuss. On the contrary. I think that denominations is one of the biggest downfalls of the Christian population today. And yes, I used proper grammar.
Jesus didn't call us to be divided in the church. The church is His bride, and we need to be united under Him and Him only. The very definition of denomination actually implies division, which is just plain wrong. Let me ask, how can we be effective Christians if we are divided? If we're divided, we're not together in Christ.
I've implied that denominations as a whole is a bad thing. I've probably flat out said it, but denominations isn't a great evil in and of itself. The problem lies in how we handle it in the church. Denominations are so poorly handled, and it's to the point that we actually hate each other based solely on what denomination we affiliate ourselves with! It's so revolting and I just can't stand it. Let me run a little scenario just to clarify what I'm talking about. Just imagine two people meeting for the first time, and we'll assume they're both Christians too. They get to talking to each other and realize that they have a lot in common. But then one asks the other what church they go to. The other responds by saying "Oh I go to such-and-such Baptist Church." And instantly the respond is "Oh.....you're a Baptist." Whether they actually say that out loud or not, I'm sure it's a thought. And right there, the other person instantly loses a little bit of respect just because their new friend happens to be a Baptist. Hopefully you see what I mean here. It's a tragedy, and it's serious. The thing that I hate most about it is the constant hating of other people. We all have different views about various issues, which is what I think is the main reason for the existence of denominations, and I think that it's fine as long as we don't hate each other for having different views. This hating that goes on makes Christians possibly the most hypocritical people of our nation. We follow a God that teaches us about love, and we can't even show love to the people in our own community. How sad. How truly freaking sad.
Why do we have to judge each other based on what denomination we are? Why did I have to enter it in to like, every SAT form that I filled out? It seriously puzzles and distresses me. I once went to a friend's house, and I was asked by their parents what denomination I was. It was my first time meeting their parents so I didn't make a big deal about it, but I just simply replied "I'm nondenominational." And I was seriously looked at like I had two heads. I can't possibly affiliate myself with a denomination...it goes against what I stand for as a Christian. If the concept of denominations was handled properly, then maybe I would. But I just can't. I don't care what denomination someone is...I want to learn to love them regardless. That's what it should be about.
Pillar's song is all about unity with each other. But obviously, it's impossible to be unified if we're divided. The song does what I'm doing right now; it takes a shot at denominations and what it does to our unity in Christ.
Pillar does it again with their driving lyrics. Take a lesson from this. For the Christians reading this, don't fall into division. The world is watching us and waiting for us to slip up. And when we do, people will be sure to let us know in the nastiest and most degrading way. Don't let it happen! We are called to be UNITED IN CHRIST! DON'T JUDGE! DON'T HATE! JUST LOVE!!!! And to those that don't call themselves Christians....I'm sorry. There are still solid Christians out there that still show love in all situations. Please give them a chance, they have a lot to teach and share.
I apologize for possible lack of coherency in this note. My thoughts are somewhat scattered and it's hard to organize them the way I want to, but I think you get my drift. The Christians of the nation absolutely cannot be a divided people. Don't let denominations get in the way of what we truly are: Christians. Be unified. Be loving.
"It's a shame that the body of Christ is so broken" (referring to the church).
-Dr. Roberson, my CCC professor
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