Ruts

I think this is a really good time for me to write...spontaneity is always the best thing when it comes to writing.

So...lately things haven't been great. Lately as in the past 2 or 3 weeks, but climaxing the past 3 days. My life has been insanely busy as usual, but I found myself making a dangerous mistake...I let my busyness get in the way of my spiritual life. Satan took full advantage...all of a sudden I noticed I wasn't praying fervently, I wasn't in the Word, I was getting increasingly frustrated with work, and things just kept stacking up. So I deliberately took a night away from everything just to reflect on what's been going on.

Yesterday I had an interesting thought pop in my head...I felt as though I was trying to serve God without being close to God. I guess I would "go through the motions" to an extent, but internally I was suffering. I just wasn't letting God have control of my life, and I tried to take over again. Well, I've had plenty of experience of what happens when I try to direct my own life. I mess up quite a bit. I let my temper take over and may God forgive what comes out of my mouth.

So this is me trying to figure out where to go when these ruts happen, because they happen more than I'd like. And granted, I'm blessed with many people who love and care about me, but being an only child and living alone, this is something between me and God alone (I'm just choosing to publish it on my blog :) ). Well allow me to share some thoughts I'm having.

1) Being blessed with athleticism and physicality, I like to relate my spiritual life to physical activity. There are 2 things I can relate to: baseball and weightlifting, so I'll start with baseball. A rut in baseball would be if a batter was slumping, meaning that he's not getting base hits in a long series of at-bats. And of course, I've gone through them, and anyone who's played baseball has gone through them. Sometimes slumps can happen just out of coincidence...nothing really changes, but the ball just isn't finding it's way to the ground. But more often than not, slumps can happen because of just an EXTREMELY small change in mechanics, basically undetectable. This is why I video myself every time I hit the batting cages, so that I can see exactly how I'm swinging and what I need to do to hit the ball better. But this nearly undetectable change can be the difference between a home run and a strikeout. See the parallel?

2) Same goes with weightlifting. I starting lifting with a buddy a little more than 3 months ago, and I've noticed a considerable change in my strength. However, there's a little thing known as "plateauing", when suddenly you aren't seeing considerable increases in strength and weightlifting amounts. This is easily grounds for discouragement. So what do you do? Well, step back and analyze what's going on. For me, I like to stay in a routine if I'm comfortable with it, and that's why plateauing happens. Muscles become accustomed to moving the same way, so you don't get considerable gains after awhile. It's necessary to edit your routine and do something new in order to shock your muscles so that they can continue to grow. So, small edits to a routine...hmmm....

Back to the rut I've been going through. Today is that day where I just have to take a small step back and analyze what's been going on, figure out how to make a change, and move forward. Well, it's like I mentioned before, I was trying to serve God without being close to God. In the Christian life, alone time with God should be the single most important thing that we can do. It's easy to talk about having a relationship with God, but we can't have that relationship if we're not doing anything about it. God's always waiting and always ready for us. "For thou shalt worship no other god: for the Lord, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God" - Exodus 34:14. God loves us...He wants our attention and is always waiting for it. I've heard it said that God isn't going to try to compete with things of this world for our attention. God should expect our attention for no other reason than that He's GOD! Even time with good Christian brothers and sisters is nothing compared to being intimate with God. The thing I need to change in my life is to give my life to God once again, and the only way to do that is to pray and seek daily.

But the great thing I'm learning about going through ruts is that I find that I come out stronger. It makes sense with the parallels also. When you break out of a batting slump, you generally become a much more dangerous hitter than when you were before. When you start to climb out of a plateau in weightlifting, you become MUCH stronger than before. As I'm maturing, I realize that these ruts never last as long as they used to, and I come out of them a stronger man of God than I was previously. Friends, we're promised hard times on this earth. But through these hard times, we can find God in a whole new way and learn about Him and ourselves. My charge to myself and to anyone reading is to embrace the rut that you're in and ask, "What is God trying to teach me through this?" In this case, God is teaching me to come back to Him and to surrender myself to His following. Please pray for me as I'll pray for anyone reading this. And praise God for allowing to go through trials, because we can stand resolutely on the promise of James 1, that we WILL come out stronger.

God's Wildfire

FINALLY!!! I've been waiting for this...another late night with no commitments tomorrow, and God forbid I should go a full month without writing. It's been way too long since I finally sat down to do this. And what better time than the present...wide awake on this late night, and man do I have some things to write about.

It's really ironic that I'm so awake right now. I managed to show quite a bit of energy this week, but this week has been one of the most physically and mentally draining weeks in recent memory. I woke up at 6 AM three times this week to lift before work, then work a mentally-draining 8-5 shift. Give myself 15 minutes to power down a few slices of pizza, and then I helped out with the bus ministry for Vacation Bible School at church at 5:30, and typically didn't get home until about 10:00...at which time was time for bed and doing it all over again. It was so draining and tiring, but I passionately prayed and asked for prayer on Sunday for energy from God to do the work that was in front of me. Not only was I granted this, but I emerged from this week a few things I didn't expect: a renewed life perspective, and the awakening of a dormant wildfire.

I originally volunteered to help out with 2nd-3rd graders because my co-worker was sending her daughter to VBS, and wanted me to be a friendly face for her. So I signed up for this spot, but God steered me in a different direction. I was asked to help with the bus ministry with my friends Joel, Scott, and Jess. The bus goes to an apartment complex that is predominately a black community to pick up kids to bring them to VBS and church on Sundays. It's a rougher "inner-city" crowd in who-knows-what situations...I'm not judging, this is just the way it is. One of the main goals of my presence was to keep the kids in line because, as I learned, they can get extremely rowdy. I ended up taking a part I didn't want to play...the strict-teacher/security guard type person. There were plenty of times the kids just needed to shut their mouths for their own safety on the bus. I had never worked with that kind of crew before, and never even THOUGHT about it in the past. But, this is what I ended up doing.

But God didn't stop here. All of a sudden, I found myself on-stage doing goofy hand motions to the songs that were being sung. Joel and I just made them up because we were bored at the VBS meeting the day before...2 days later, we're on stage doing the same motions and keeping the kids entertained. That was actually more of my comfort zone...I'm used to being a moron :) But such is the nature of all VBSs...you sign up, and you volunteer wherever you can. So I helped (marginally) with snack time, and led one of the (less-popular) games on Friday. But despite all these minor nicks in the armor, God STILL wasn't done! Oh not at all...on Thursday, I felt the Spirit leading me to present a Gospel message to the kids on the bus. Let me recap a few things. First, I've never really worked with kids before. Second, I've actually never presented a Gospel message on my own. Third, these kids are ROWDY! How are they ever going to pay attention??? But sure enough, here I am on this bus, boldly presenting the story of Jesus and the Good News to these kids who may not have heard it before. And I can say boldly without hint of pride because it was all God working through me...He authored that day and my words. And as expected, I had a hard time keeping them quiet and making them stay attentive, but I looked around and saw 2 or 3 that were REALLY paying attention, so I focused my eyes a lot on them and I think the Lord hit them pretty hard when I was done.

But despite my booming voice, the bus was so loud that not everyone who wanted to hear me were able to hear. So the very next day, I was stretched again. Nehemiah, a little boy going into 2nd grade, sits beside me on the bus. And in his precious little voice, asks me, "Can you tell me the story of Jesus again, like you did yesterday?" I could've hugged him until he couldn't breathe anymore. The fact that he asked that showed me that he had been thinking about it ever since I spoke the previous day. He was trying to meditate on Jesus. Then something became evidently clear...something amazing and awe-inspiring...GOD USED ME!!!! I know my sins and my shortcomings (Psalm 51:3 For I acknowledge my transgressions: and my sin is ever before me.), but God chose me to speak to this little boy about Himself despite my shortcomings. I don't believe I ever spoke so boldly and clearly as I did to little Nehemiah. And he soaked in every word that came from the mouth of God through me.

Now getting to my main point, what came out of this week was unforgettable and life-altering. Right now I'm still a guy searching for myself, searching for God, and searching for my true calling and vocation on this earth. I work at a help desk right now in a corporate environment. Something I've learned about the corporate environment is that it's one of the most soul-deadening atmospheres on the planet. There are so many guys that come into work that just look dead when they come in and when they leave. Granted, I don't know their stories. But if I were to judge from how they talk and look, it just looks like they're working for a paycheck because they have to, while killing their souls in the process. It pains me to no end to see this. And all the time I work there, I'm at risk of the same thing. But working for the Lord this week, seeing the energy that flowed through me despite sheer exhaustion, seeing little children learn about God through His words spoken through me, I came out of this week with fire.

Now, fire is mentioned a few times in the Bible. One of my favorite verses to quote is Job 23:10, "But he knoweth the way that I take: when he hath tried me, I shall come forth as gold." When gold is tested, it means that it has to become moldable to be strengthened. And how is gold tested? 1 Peter 1:7, "That the trial of your faith, being much more precious than of gold that perisheth, though it be tried with fire, might be found unto praise and honour and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ." Proverbs 17:3, "The fining pot is for silver, and the furnace for gold: but they Lord trieth the hearts." Trial by fire...it's a common saying for a reason. We are made strong through being stretched, James 1:2-3 "My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into diverse temptations; Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience." And we need these fires to make us stronger.

But fire has this nasty tendency of fizzling out. Candles, campfires, even oil candles, they all burn out unless you refuel them somehow. But you know what doesn't always need more fuel? A wildfire! Wildfires are tragic happenings in the world, destroying property and taking lives. However, maybe we need a wildfire in our lives. Personally I know I'm a passionate guy and I can get very frustrated if I feel a fire dying. This week I got a rekindling, but I want it to turn into an all-out wildfire. Even at 4 AM (current time), it's easy to say that I'll go to bed now and finish this tomorrow. But such is the nature of the wildfire...I stay up until this is finished because the Spirit is still burning in me. This can really apply to all aspects of life though. Talking incessantly about my future lady as much as I do, she's going to want a man that is absolutely on fire for the Lord. And I can't be on fire for the Lord just so I can get my wife, but I must be on fire for the Lord ALWAYS, and let the wife come when God brings her in. But I've been so blessed in this past week. God started a wildfire in me and I want to keep fueling it. So it's time to put myself on the frontline. Time to embrace my spiritual gift of leadership in whatever venue I should find myself in. Time to BOLDLY proclaim the story of Jesus. I'm just following the warrior's path to wherever God leads, and right now I'm led to this church. I'm excited after talking with friends tonight because I KNOW something big is going to happen at this church, and I'm going to be a big part of it. I don't know what it's going to be or who it will affect, but God is going to continue to use me in gargantuan ways. So it's time to get out of my comfort zone and make a scene for the Lord, as my man Tedashii says. I struggle with many things...pride, lust, anger, to name a few. But this is God's wildfire, and it's not in me for no reason, and He's going to use me despite AND because of my shortcomings. "Can you tell me the story of Jesus again, like you did yesterday?"

THIS IS WHAT IT'S ABOUT!!!!!! Open up to Christ and dare yourself to be opened up to the wildfire buried in YOU :)

Honor

I somehow knew a blog post would happen after watching Gladiator (for the first time the whole way through? REALLY, past me??? Fail!). Thanks to all who read...please let God speak to you as I try to allow Him to speak through me.

I like to think that I'm a man of principles. A man of strong character and faith. Whether that's true yet or not...well, God's still at work. About 3-4 weeks ago, I bought a sword to hang in my apartment. I wanted something that I could display proudly in my living room, something that reminds me of my warrior spirit. It's now become my second-favorite decoration...my favorite is and will always be an old, decrepit Yankees shirt that my dad wore for an extremely long time...nothing replaces that. But anyway, what's really cool about the sword I bought is that there are three of my favorite words carved into the hilt: courage, honneur, justice. I've studied courage quite a bit and have a solid foundation on that. I am extremely passionate about justice and try to live by that as much as possible. But honor. Y'know, I've never studied it deeply and what I believe about it. What is even cooler is the spelling of the word, and the location on the hilt. Ye Olde English, honneur, located dead center on the hilt, as if it were the key word. So...what of it? (p.s. my writing is very ADD...you'll have to forgive that lol)

As I already said, I'm fresh off of watching Gladiator. As with any movie, I look for spiritual parallels that I can take away from it. The part that really caught my attention was the second time he came face-to-face with the emperor, Commodus. The first was his famous monologue, "My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius, commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions, blablabla". But the second is after Maximus fights his way through the staged battle after mauling a tiger and a rather gigantic human being. Now you see, there's a difference between Commodus and Maximus...Commodus is a sniveling, spineless coward, Maximus is an honorable warrior. And at this point the gloves are off. Maximus knows that Commodus is trying to kill him. So here's the exchange that caught my eye:

Commodus: What am I going to do with you? You simply won't... die. Are we so different, you and I? You take life when you have to... as I do.
Maximus: I have only one more life to take. Then it is done.
Commodus: Then take it now.
[Maximus pauses, then turns around and walks away]
Commodus: They tell me your son...
[Maximus stops]
Commodus: ...squealed like a girl when they nailed him to the cross. And your wife... moaned like a whore when they ravaged her again and again... and again.
Maximus: The time for honoring yourself will soon be at an end.
[Bows head]
Maximus: Highness.

See that? Maximus doesn't trash talk. He doesn't threaten. He states his duty, then prepares to leave. But the loudmouth keeps running his mouth...tries to get him to react. But Maximus doesn't react in the way Commodus is prodding him. Instead he just quietly says a single line and walks off. To me, this move just screamed honor.

When I saw this, it made me think of Jesus's famous teaching of turning the other cheek, "Ye have heard that it hath been said, An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth: But I say unto you, That ye resist not evil: but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also" Matthew 5:38-39. Maximus quite literally ran out of cheeks. First Commodus says, "Alright you poser, let's see how tough you are. Go on, strike me down. C'mon chicken...you know you want to." Maximus doesn't say a word and walks away. So the next line of attack is, "OK fine, Mr. Heroic and Humble, trying to play the honor card. Let's see how you like me talking about your wife and son...who, by the way, I humiliated and murdered in cold blood." Maximus turned one cheek and got struck on the other. Having run out, he doesn't retaliate. He just swiftly says one line and walks away...but not before getting in a little cheap shot of his own by mocking Commodus' royal position :)

It's easy to sing hymns such as "Standing On The Promises", but can we sing that and truly stand on them? Here's a difficult one: "Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord." - Romans 12:29, referencing Deuteronomy 32:35, "To me belongeth vengeance and recompence; their foot shall slide in due time: for the day of their calamity is at hand, and the things that shall come upon them make haste." Let me make an example out of my own life. I have people in my life that absolutely love to take cheap shots at me. People who love to see me react because as I've been told, "Chris, you have the FUNNIEST reactions!" Yeah, lovely. And I'm fine with an occasional mock at me, especially if it makes a laugh for someone. But then it goes too far...it goes into cheap shots about my character and faith, and that's when I begin to feel rage swell up inside of me. "Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord." It's so hard to keep that! "Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times? Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven." - Matthew 18:21-22. It all goes hand-in-hand. To keep going on that, what does the Bible say about people like this? "It is an honour for a man to cease from strife: but every fool will be meddling." - Proverbs 20:3. "A fool uttereth all his mind: but a wise man keepeth it in till afterwards." - Proverbs 29:11. Fools. The Bible says that these jabs that are taken at me, they're not even worth my time to respond. So the correct response...well, go back to Matthew 5 and 18.

Now this isn't meant to belittle people or play the whole "sticks and stones" argument. My purpose in writing this is to develop a more honorable lifestyle, one that reflects Christ and the honorable way that HE lived. I just found that the word "honour" is mentioned approximately 178 times in the King James Bible. Something tells me that God thinks it's kinda important. So the question that I get from this is, "Well...what's stopping me?" I tend to think of honor in terms of my own manhood, in learning of how I'm to develop as a man of God. I've always said I want to "wow" my future wife with the way I live, and that comes with being an honorable man of strength. So a song that brought me back to this thought is called Authority by 116 (Christian hip-hop/rap group). The first part of the first verse goes like this: "On the reel, I'm a man / But I guess it's just my gender / When it comes to manhood / Man we leave it to our sisters / What a tragedy, travesty, passive in our actions, living absentee / Stand and wait while asking them to marry me". They're tough words to hear and can be tough to live out. But when focus on honoring God first by living the example of honor Christ set for us, it's not difficult at all. As I said, if I try to live honorably sometimes I get laughed at or put down. But I talked about this in a previous note (Post-Grey), what is our mode of thought and action if we are completely alone, if all of our friends abandon us? Jesus faced that on the cross. Judas betrayed him. Peter disowned him. The rest of them ran away. God the Almighty Father turned His face away from him. Jesus was completely and utterly ALONE. Yet, he died honorably. He knew what he had to do, and as a MAN should, he did it. What a testimony. Simply to be associated with the word "honor", it's worth living so I could have that put on my gravestone. It's worth dying for. If you don't believe me, I'll say it again: 178 times in the King James Bible. God said it, Jesus established it. I have a lot to learn...and a lot more to put into practice. So to answer my question, what's stopping me? There's nothing stopping me. "He only is my rock and my salvation: he is my defence; I shall not be moved." - Psalm 62:6. God is preparing me to living humbly and honorably. Praise God for the opportunity to live honorably for His eternal glory.

A godly woman...

Wow, it's been awhile since I really dove into thought...too long for my liking. As always, I don't know exactly what I want to say, but I'm going to speak from whatever my heart says. But this is a little different. Sometimes I tend to "sermonize" with my facebook notes and hope people learn from my experiences, but that's not the case this time. This time I'm just speaking directly from my heart...I'm happy for anyone who reads, but I'm not trying to get anyone to learn anything for once. And Satan's already been after me...it's almost 11 and I'm waking up at 5:30 tomorrow and he doesn't want this to be written. But he can't stop this one. So...here goes.

It's no secret that I've struggled with my relationship/martial/whatever-you-want-to-call-it status. No matter how much I have tried to deny it or overcome it, it is what it is: I don't like being single. I wish I had someone to call my own. I wish I had a beautiful, godly woman to whom I can offer my strength and protection. I long for that and I can't get rid of that longing. But I had a strange thought hit me tonight. A very simple, yet incredibly complicated question. "Why?" I would think that most guys can answer why they want a wife...but can they really? So it got me thinking.

Tonight I was listening to Background by Lecrae. There's no point in the song that talks about girlfriends or wives or anything like that. The song has a very simple message, yet I believe it's the simplest messages that are the most profoundly deep. The chorus goes "I could play the background / I could play the background / 'Cause I know sometimes / I get in the way / So won't You take the lead, lead, lead / So won't You take the lead, lead, lead / And I could play the background / And You could take the lead...." And it's that same message, just said in many different ways throughout the song...it's beautiful. But somehow it was this song that spurred my thinking and made me ask this question.

"Why?" That was my question. Another way to ask that question is, "for what reason?" Specifically, I was thinking about this in terms of godly women. For what reason do I want a godly woman? Now, at first glance it should seem fairly obvious, right? Well, godly women are the good girls...ones that will remain faithful, won't get into trouble, will give all of their love, and so on. I think most "good" guys want that. But WHY do I want that? For WHAT reason? Is it truly for the reasons I listed above, to offer my strength and protection? Or perhaps...for more fleshly reasons, ones which I'm not proud to admit? Is it to drink in her beauty, for safety, and to make life easy for me? A godly woman can certainly be that for me, I see it done all the time.

And what about the other side...what do godly women want? Why? For what reason? Godly women want godly men. MOST (and I believe this is what they SHOULD want, from a biblical perspective) want godly men who will lead them in the ways of Christ. One that WILL offer their strength and protection that only comes from the Most High. I've heard this from many girls my age, and every time I hear it, I think "I'm right here". It's puzzled me for a long time. I'm a godly man, wanting desperately to give these things, and you're a godly woman, wanting those things of your man. So...what's missing?

Well, this song gave me a little bit of perspective (actually, a lot of bit of perspective). This story is about God. I hear it many times and believe it...our life is a blink. God is forever...we get 15 seconds of fame, then we're gone. Want proof? History majors or politicians might get this, but think like the common man for a second. Think of arguably, our most famous president, Abraham Lincoln. He lived 50-some years, accomplishing amazing things for our country. So...who was his vice president? The answer is Hannibal Hamlin, who lived for over 80 years. Does anyone even remember him? I certainly don't...I didn't even know he existed. And think of all of the other people who lived during that time...do they have a legacy today? Barely any do. Everyone knows God...He's the most famous dude in the universe. The story can't be about us, we don't even remember the 2nd most powerful man in the U.S. in 1860. Wow...that was a rabbit trail. So since our lives are just a blink, we can't play the lead, it HAS to be God. We have to be instruments in God's story. Everything I do has to be OF God and glorify God.

So with that said, there's something I left out. What do godly women want? Godly women want their relationship with God to be the forefront of their lives. And a true godly man will want the same, and that's when the two are brought together, or IF the two are brought together. I can safely say that I'm not ready to be in a relationship, because of how I answered my question. I want a godly woman that will give me attention. I want her to love me (which she will), but I'm being selfish...it's like I don't even want to share her with God, because then I won't be getting the attention I want. How wrong! I can't possibly lead someone in Christ's name if I try to put that relationship in front of my relationship with God. I will always consider myself a godly man and always will be, don't get me wrong. But today I realized the error in my thinking. I still very much want a relationship for many reasons, but God showed me where I still need work, and I'm able to rest now because of that. So I can't be running around trying to find my future wife like I have been...I need to relax and learn about my relationship with God. And for anyone that does actually read this...I just want you know that this is very hard for me to write. I feel a great sense of shame...I wish I had a lot of things "all together" in my mind, but clearly right now I don't. It hurts for me to say that and admit it, but I know this is God's way of breaking me so that He can mold me into a greater man. So no matter how ashamed and might be and no matter how much it hurts, I'm grateful that God is using these words to break me down. I just need to play the background...disregard what I want and serve what God wants, because the story just isn't about me. As humbling as that is, we serve the greatest God imaginable...and I wouldn't want to play the background to any other story :)

For Lent this year...

For most people, I know we give up things like Facebook or chocolate or something else that's generally unhealthy. I'm a little different though (like THAT wasn't obvious...), I prefer not to give up tangible things, but rather something intangible. Something I know is unhealthy for the way I live. Last year I said I was going to give up "everything", in an attempt to transfer everything that I am completely over to God. This year I need to narrow it down...and there's one thing that's been bugging me recently, so perhaps this is God challenging me. So I've decided that for Lent this year, I am giving up:

Fear.

It's hard to decipher exactly what this means. We're not called to be completely fearless, that's just reckless stupidity. And isn't the fear of the Lord the beginning of both knowledge AND wisdom, as depicted by two separate Proverbs? So perhaps I'm not completely giving up fear. However, there have been fears that have been holding me back. Fear of rejection. Fear of the future. Fear of being judged. Fear of God's callings. Fears which make me sit idle and be set in my zone of safety. It's easy to just sit back and embrace safety...and something I know I need to let go. 

Like I said, I'm not called to be fearless. But I AM called to be something similar...courageous. And what is courage? My definition of courage is acting on what you know is right, despite fears and rather embracing them. Today I was convicted by the song "Dangerous" by Pillar. The second verse says: "You, hold back your tears / Embrace your fears / And you let it be what motivates you / Don't hold your breath / That burns inside / Or you'll make your pain be self-inflicted / Direct your full attention / Did I forget to mention? / Live life with no restrictions / No one can hold you down!" So it calls us to not entirely discard our fears, but rather to put on courage and face them.

And courage...what a tricky thing to obtain. I was about to google "courage in the Bible", until I had an interesting thought: the faith chapter, Hebrews 11. You can replace the phrase "by faith" in each instance with "by courage". Think about it...it took courage for Abraham to offer his son before God stopped him. It took courage for Moses to cross the Red Sea. It took courage for Rahab to do what she did. And all of these people are remembered in Biblical history. So if I can replace that phrase...is it safe to assume that faith and courage are synonymous? I'd certainly be willing to argue so. So in an absence of courage, we find fear. When we find fear, we also find a lack of faith in things to come. Yet we're still given promises of things yet to come and we're promised that God is true, "For the word of the LORD is right and true; he is faithful in all he does." - Psalm 33:4.

So maybe for Lent, I'm not necessarily giving up, but I'm gaining. I'm gaining courage to live for God no matter what crap hits the fan and into my face. But I'm letting go of fears that are holding me back from being who God called me to be. The unpassionate life just simply isn't good enough for me. So no matter how scary, no matter where God calls me, I'm going to go. Maybe that means staying at the helpdesk for 10 more years. Maybe it means moving to Africa next year. I don't think the latter is likely, but who knows...if God calls it, I'm going. Soli Deo Gloria...Glory to God alone.

Post-Grey

"Once more into the fray.
Into the last good fight I'll ever know.
Live or die on this day.
Live or die on this day."

I just finished watching The Grey with all of my beloved pack members. I'll try not to give away TOO many spoilers...actually, I take that back. In order to write this note, I have to spoil the movie. So, spoiler alerts ahead.

Anyway, this poem was a theme throughout the movie, and it's one which struck a chord with me. There was a huge plane crash in the beginning of the movie, and only about 7 survived. When it got to the point where there were 5 people left, this is the time where they begin to bond and share more about themselves (revealing that two of them are atheists...one of my personal depressing points of the movie). One by one, they are slowly picked off by the wolves, until only Liam Neeson is left. This is where this poem really kicks in. Liam has a decision to make. He's now all alone in the icy cold wilderness, and it's just him against the wolves. Before he encounters the wolves, he makes a desperate plea to God to show him something real (Liam is one of the atheists). But, no such sign appears. Faced with certain death, Liam just says (language pardon) "fuck it, I'll do it myself." Then all of a sudden, he ends up in the "wolf den", and after paying homage to his comrades he is completely surrounded by wolves ready to tear him limb from limb. Then one large black wolf lets out a roar and the others back off, leave Liam to take on THIS wolf, the Alpha. I was completely engrossed in the movie at this point. Liam could wait to die, but no. He takes a knife, 3 glass bottles, and electrical tape. He breaks the 3 bottles and tapes them and the knife to his hands, and faces the wolf head on. It was really a powerful scene, and one which dove me into deep thought.

I always like finding spiritual parallels in movies (even if Hollywood doesn't want me to :) ). But this is so indicative of the battle in front of us as Christians. The alpha wolf here is Satan. When the alpha roars to call off the other wolves, he's saying, "this one is the best among them. I want him." And what does Liam do? He doesn't just sit around to die, he picks up whatever he can find and he fights with what little strength he has left. So when Satan roars to his demons, saying "ooh, this one thinks he's really working for God...I WANT HIM", what do we do? As Christians, Satan wants the best of us. Who is the best of us? You are. Every one of us is the best among us, because we are all equalled instilled with the Holy Spirit, none greater than the other. 

"Adversity does not build character, it reveals it." And how true that is. Adversity actually does both...we are constantly being built up by learning through our experiences and struggles, but when we are faced with big struggles we are able to see what we're really made of. I thought about myself near the end of the movie. I saw myself as Liam after his last friend dies, and I thought "what would I do?" I know what I would WANT to do: be the hero with infinite strength, ready to charge through any challenges ahead of me no matter how difficult. But what would I REALLY do? Well, probably a lot of praying first of all. But I don't think I could've made it. I have good survival skills, but I think fear and terror would get the best of me in that situation. Then when he encounters the wolf, same question. Similar answer. I definitely would have fought, but I know I wouldn't have lasted long just out of fear and giving up. I thought back to all the times I would crack under pressure. All the times I would ask for the burden, only to find that it's too great for me to handle. I would ask for the fight, only to find myself getting knocked down and not pulling myself back up.

But, I don't settle for this. I wouldn't have been called "The White Knight" by God if it wasn't true. When God gives us a calling, it's not going to be easy to realize the full extent of the calling. God promises a test, "But he knoweth the way that I take: when he hath tried me, I shall come forth as gold." - Job 23:10...one of my favorite verses. Gold is only made by testing it with a hammer; by beating it until it's solid. And Satan promises not to make it easy on us either...he's going to come at us with guns ablazing, ESPECIALLY when we have a calling. Consider Tim Tebow, fulling living on the battlefield for God. Consider the backlash that this guy gets. I saw a "comedian" today that was lashing out against Tebow (I use that term just as his professional title...I could make people laugh in my sleep better than this guy could). His quote was "If I was trapped in a room with Bin Laden and Tim Tebow, and I only had a gun with one bullet, I'd shoot Bin Laden...I'm no monster. But if I had 2 bullets, I'd shoot Tim Tebow first." If I heard that said about myself, I'd lose A LOT of heart. That's the ways of Satan trying to pull us down, trying to make us into flabby mediocre meat sacs. But God calls us to strength, no matter what the cost. It's easy to worship God and be all Christian-y in the presence of other Christians. What I want to know is, what if I'm the only one left? Liam was ALONE...with NO ONE around to share his burden. He took his fate as a warrior, and went out fighting. I want to be a man that realizes the strength that's truly hidden in me. At any cost, even my earthly life, my mission is to see that others realize the coming Kingdom of God. Even if my friends betray me, even if they die out, if I'm the only one left...what will I do? And the ever-haunting question, what if I never get married? Will I stop serving God if there isn't someone alongside of me? At work, where I'm the only Christian and continually take cheap shots at my character and faith, will I quit sharing what I believe? Will I conform to their ways just so they accept me? That's a path I'll never go down again.

Like Liam, against all odds, I look Satan in the eye and say "you don't scare me." Because, unlike Liam in the movie, we have a King who fights alongside of us and promises to never leave us, "Be strong and of a good courage, fear not, nor be afraid of them: for the LORD thy God, he it is that doth go with thee; he will not fail thee, nor forsake thee." - Deuteronomy 31:6. This is where we take our strength, from our God. This is where we have all hope of living, both here on earth AND after we're done here and are called home. So...what do we have to fear? "I called upon the LORD in distress: the LORD answered me, and set me in a large place. The LORD is on my side; I will not fear: what can man do unto me?" - Psalm 118:5-6 (also the verse that Hollywood apparently forgot to read when Liam was crying out to God). I know Lecrae got it right...go hard or go home. Check this out:

"Rep every day without worryin about bruisin / I been to China man I seen some real persecution / If you didn't know Christ would ya life look the same / Can they tell you value Jesus by the way to rep his name? / Man what's the point of livin if I'm livin for myself / Lord empty out my life before I put you on the shelf / So for God I go hard, I don't wanna die tonight / But there's too many people livin who ain't heard about my Christ"

Battle cry. The greatest honor a human could ever realize...the full outpouring of their life to a cause greater than themselves. Putting their own head on a guillotine to save the life of another. This is strength. This is honor. So when faced with the same adversity that Liam Neeson faced, I want to act as he did. Realizing the strength of God in me and go hard into it. I think I need to tape some shards of glass to my knuckles and show Satan what I'm made of.

"Once more into the fray.
Into the last good fight I'll ever know.
Live or die on this day.
Live or die on this day."

"What happened?"

PREFACE: I'm going to tag a bunch of people in this...people that may or may not be interested in what I write in the "Cran Journal of Theological Meditations", as dubbed by Bill. So don't feel the need to read the note, and you can untag yourself if you desire and I won't be offended...this is just my way of letting people that MAY be interested know that I wrote something. And also I'm sorry if I missed someone in my tagging...hopefully God will send it your way despite my overlooking (and Facebook only lets me tag 30 people maximum. Facebook fail). And with that...


Sometimes I find myself asking this question. One day I feel as though everything is going my way...I'm living for God, my heart is on fire, things just seem to be going well. Then all of a sudden I'm left saying "What happened?" A surprise attack hits me. Seemingly out of nowhere, I find myself not praying, getting angry at small things, being depressed, being lazy, and so on. And I'm sure we all ask this from time to time, but I know I'm asking this right now. And I want answers.

So this is approximately...7-8 months post-graduation? Definitely been quite a whirlwind the past few months. Already on my second corporate job after a horrible first experience. Presently, I find myself still living at home, still single, working every day from 9-6, going home, going to bed and doing it all over again. Not terribly exciting and honestly a little depressing. My spiritual life has been very up and very down at different times. I knew this winter would be a challenge for this boy of the summer, because I managed to find God in a cool new way: taking bike rides to my new prayer place and really connecting with God through nature. Now that it's winter, I leave before the sun really comes up and come home after the sun has already set. And it's cold...so not really good biking conditions for my taste.

But there was one thing about the summer that I lack right now...I sought God passionately. Recent days, I would pray that God would show Himself to me as I casually sit in my cubicle. Over the summer, I pulled out my bike and I went out into nature to look for God and even talk out loud to Him. Yes, not having a job for most of the summer made this easier, but now that it's winter and I work so much I don't get to do this anymore. 

And it's one hit after another. Since I wasn't as passionate as I used to find myself, I tried to adjust. But then little by little, it seemed like I was fighting a losing battle. Difficulties in adjusting to the world as we know it and being the "Christian in the corporation" was hardening my heart. Feelings of lonliness started to set in as I wouldn't really associate with all of my close brothers and sisters as much as I used to. But worst of all, I kept feeling guilt and anger that I was struggling so much with just BEING a Christian. "What happened?"

Well, I had time to think today since I skipped church due to no other reason than just my own laziness of not wanting to get out of bed. And as I was driving to Five Guys for lunch, that question popped in my head. What happened to my passion for God? Recently I've also felt that I've been offending/angering people with whatever I say and I feel like I have to walk on eggshells sometimes. What happened to the man that was comfortable in his own skin? Darn it, what HAPPENED??? But as I thought, the more a few truths became evident to me.

1) God loves me. Obvious? Of course, but sometimes easy to forget. But no matter how many times I fall and mess up, no matter how many times I even KNOWINGLY disobey God, He still loves me for the man He created me to be. I'm sure God loves so much that it hurts...even to the point that He had to turn away from Jesus on the cross. That couldn't have been easy...even for Almighty God. But God is bigger than any situation and can handle anything, which brings up the next truth:

2) Surrender is stronger. Undone by FFH is one of my favorite songs because of the chorus that gets thumped into your brain, "Come undone / surrender is stronger / I don't need to be the hero tonight / We all want love / We all want honor / Nobody wants to pay the asking price". Love...honor...isn't that the cry of my heart? Isn't that the place I want to get back to? So what's this asking price they're talking about? Surrender. Come undone. All this time I feel like I've been failing God's mission, like I haven't been measuring up. Let me be honest, even as I write this, I still have doubts. Doubts that I'm not saying what I want to say. Doubts that what I'm saying will even connect with anyone. Doubts that God's nots pleased. I never used to have such doubts. Again...what happened?

Satan got a foothold...that's what happened. And how crafty the devil is. All this time I've been working tirelessly because I want to please God. With my new job, I want to be a light to my co-workers and to my friends as well. I've been strategizing and trying to figure out when the best time is to bring up a "religious" conversation. And in all irony, I've been wanting to please God so much that THIS became my god, and I left God completely out of the picture. What happened? Satan happened. But I have an answer now.

Full surrender. Give it up. I've been trying to fix myself for so long. I want to please God and I want God to be happy with what I do. When I feel as though I'm not measuring up or living in sin, I say "uh oh" and try to make adjustments rather than giving it over to One who is more capable and equipped. "Ah Lord GOD! behold, thou hast made the heaven and the earth by thy great power and stretched out arm, and there is nothing too hard for thee." - Jeremiah 32:17. And I have a wonderful image to live by. Close to a year ago, God gave me the image of a white knight that has never left my mind. A strong, valiant warrior who fights against the enemy and fearlessly stares down the face of death. At the end of a knight's battle, if he has lived, he returns to his home as a hero. Yet he still has one thing on his mind. He marches straight into the castle, still bloodied and beaten, walks straight before the king sitting on his throne...and takes a knee. This is the most beautiful image I can truly imagine...the White Knight, beaten and bruised, bowing before the King with a warm smile on His face. The King is the source, the reason the Knight battles. And with this King, there's no such thing as a loss or failure. The battle is already won.

In an instance where I felt God was talking directly to me, I came across 1 Timothy 6:11-12 - "But thou, O man of God, flee these things; and follow after righteousness, godliness, faith, love, patience, meekness. Fight the good fight of faith, lay hold on eternal life, whereunto thou art also called, and hast professed a good profession before many witnesses." An operative word in there is "follow". God gives me the strength to fight evil, but it's only through God that we succeed. Only when we take things in our own hands do we find weakness and even cowardice. When a knight fights for no one but himself, he is a mercenary, a savage. When a knight fights for his loved ones and lays his life on the blade for his King, he is a noble warrior. I AM the White Knight. No one can ever take that identity away from me, least of all the father of lies. We may get knocked down, but when Satan knocks us down, we're just that much closer to being on our knees before our Holy King who requires nothing of us but to follow Him. And now the path I have to take is simply to wait for God to move and move with Him.

And for everyone reading this...what about you? I know that I'm not the only one who gets blindsided by Satan. I pray that you can apply my situation to your own life and be that much closer to God, and that much further away from yourself and from Satan.

"No weapon that is formed against thee shall prosper; and every tongue that shall rise against thee in judgment thou shalt condemn. This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD, and their righteousness is of me, saith the LORD." - Isaiah 54:17

Praise God that I don't need to ask my question anymore...I have my answer.