A collection of muddled thoughts

It's funny how most of my meditations that end up as Facebook notes occur at a time when I SHOULD be sound asleep. But again, God's laid something on my heart that I need to get on here...mostly for my own sake.

Wow. So many thoughts are buzzing around my head that I barely even remember what I wanted to write about. I was hanging out at Messiah tonight watching football, and when I left I was in an extremely good mood. So on the ride home, I put in my Lecrae CD and was about to party the whole way home...but the radio came on when I turned the car on. The song that was playing was "Give me Your Eyes" by Brandon Heath...a song that's never really spoken to me before like it did tonight. I was no longer in the mood to party.

This first sparked my 45-minute time of meditation (time from Messiah to my house). I started thinking about the life I had been leading, "problems" that I've been having, and how the song relates to it. The song is about seeing everyone around us and responding to them with God's love. "Give me Your eyes for just one second / Give me Your eyes so I can see / everything that I keep missing / Give me Your love for humanity / Give me Your arms for the broken-hearted / the ones that are far beyond my reach / Give me Your heart for the ones forgotten / Give me Your eyes so I can see." My favorite line in that chorus is "give me Your arms for the broken-hearted" for multiple reasons. But the main reason is that it shows action...it shows a person that's DOING something about all of the brokenness around us. It's easy to ask God for love. It's easy to ask God to give us wisdom in dealing with situations. How much harder is it to actually carry out our part?

I put in a different CD. The first song was "Open the Eyes of my Heart". I got goosebumps. I saw just how much I'd forgotten about God and how much He deserves from me. He deserves my worship...all the time and in everything I do. Lately, I've been selfish. I've been lazy. Ever since the flood trapped me in from going anywhere, I just sat around and played video games for hours on end. I didn't worship God. I didn't reach out to those who may have needed me. But here, I worshiped. I worshiped because I realized the sin I was in...I was being selfish with my life.

Next song..."Jesus, Lover of my Soul". The first words of the song blew me away, and I feel like so many people I encounter need to hear this: "It's all about You, Jesus / and all this is for You / for Your glory and your fame / It's not about me / as if You should do things my way / You alone are God / and I surrender to Your ways." Wow. As if You should do things my way. What a lyric that is.

These songs really hit home tonight in a big way. There have been multiple things on my mind lately that have really kept me from living a more fulfilled life in Christ. The biggest one, "man, I wish I had a girlfriend." But I know God isn't ready for me to have that yet. Why do I know that? Because of the life that I've been living recently, and because of what these songs have shown me tonight. I haven't had the arms for the broken-hearted. I've wanted God to do things my way instead of vice-versa, the way it should be.

I meditated for awhile on the Ten Commandments. And you know something? Love your spouse ISN'T one of them. I considered the greatest Commandments as Jesus said them (love the Lord your God and love your neighbor as yourself). Love your spouse is technically included in the second part, but it's not expressly stated. So where am I going with this? I go back to the biggest complaint that I had. See, I enjoy being in a relationship. I'm a high-energy guy, and I enjoy showing love toward a significant other. But with my past relationships I never put God first, even though I may have thought I did at the time. And I know that I have to run to God first and allow someone to come by my side as an extension of my worship to God. I recently fell under the temptation that if I grow close to God, then I'll be ready for a girlfriend. This is the wrong mindset because a girlfriend is my end goal, not God.

Y'know, I look back at what I wrote already and I think "I wish this was a little deeper...I just feel like I'm rambling about nothing at this point." Maybe that's true, maybe not. But before I started writing, I specifically prayed that what I wrote could be used to advance God's Kingdom in some way. I don't know how that's going to happen yet, but there's still a lesson that I can personally take out of this. It's weird to think that we forget the first Commandment...I mean, it's #1, right? "Thou shalt have no other gods before me". Pretty clear cut. Here's something to ask myself...would a girlfriend be a god before God to me? Interesting thought...but for anyone reading this, how can you apply that Commandment? The songs I listened to tonight remind me of how majestic God is and how much He deserves FROM us, and not things we deserve to have from Him. Why do we complain so much about what we don't have? Why do we get annoyed at God for things that we consider bad in our lives? We ask God so many questions about our trivial and petty problems, that we forget about the grand mission in front of us...to live fervently for God and to spread His glory through the earth.

One of my favorite books of the Bible is Job. Compared to us, Job had every right to complain about everything...he lived a holy life and was blameless before the Lord (Job 1:8). And complain he did, but he never shunned God for any of it. But after all of the chapters of dialogue, God finally speaks directly to Job with words that I would NOT want to hear from God. Job 38:2-3, "Who is this that darkens my counsel with words without knowledge? Brace yourself like a man; I will question you, and you shall answer me." Whooooaaaaaa. Imagine how little Job felt right there. I'd be terrified...God just sounds pissed off! But you know what? God has every right to be. Job shouldn't be complaining about everything because God is God, and that's that. Ecclesiates 5:2, "Do not be quick with your mouth, do not be hasty in your heart to utter anything before God. God is in heaven and you are on earth, so let your words be few."

How quick we are to complain. How quick I am to whine about my petty problems. But God is in heaven. Ha, we think we suffer with our problems. God loved us so much that He send His perfect Son to die for everything we screwed up with, so that we don't have to ETERNALLY suffer. God loves us, even though at some point it may seem like our lives "suck". We as followers of God have a mission and a duty, and that's to pursue God with our whole heart. What an honor to even be allowed to pursue such a holy being. We can never truly know God to His fullest extent or we'll die (Exodus 33:19-20), but we lean on His promises and the FACT that He loves us and is ready to catch our little issues. But I want to stop complaining about little things and fulfill the mission in front of me. I want to live selflessly. I want to reach out to the broken-hearted and truly love others before myself. I want to pursue God with my full heart and not waver from that. And He'll bless me with a beautiful wife when the time is right (if He so chooses). Until then, and even after I have a wife, God comes first.

By the way, what happened to Job after God questioned him? Read Job 42. Specifically verse 12. Thanks to whoever reads this note...I pray that God is shown through me and what was written here :)

Living eternally

This one was long overdue...but this is something that I need to hear right now for my own sake, because I've been living in sin. I want to start this with a few verses out of Matthew that I looked up.

4:19-20 - "'Come, follow me,' Jesus said, 'and I will make you fishers of men.' At once they left their nets and followed him."

8:18-22 - "When Jesus saw the crowd around him, he gave orders to cross to the other side of the lake. Then a teacher of the law came to him and said, 'Teacher, I will follow you wherever you go.'' Jesus replied, 'Foxes have holes and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head.' Another disciple said to him, 'Lord, first let me go and bury my father.' But Jesus told him, 'Follow me, and let the dead bury their own dead.'”

10:37-39 - "'Anyone who loves his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves his son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me; and anyone who does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it."

19:20-22 - "'All these [Commandments] I have kept,' the young man said. 'What do I still lack?' Jesus answered, 'If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.' When the young man heard this, he went away sad, because he had great wealth."

There's a theme going on here, and one which I've failed to keep lately: follow Jesus. There was a new perspective that I began to take once I began my life in the workplace, and that was how to truly live eternally. There's so much that's involved with that...you have to be completely set in Christ and able to accept everything that comes your way. You even have to be ready to lose everything if that's what it takes, because we're promised treasures in heaven. Another verse from Matthew which I love is 6:19-21 where Jesus is giving the Sermon on the Mount: "Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."

"For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." Wow. What do we consider our treasure? TV time? Friends? Video games? Maybe for girls it's clothes or shoes? How much of what we invest, whether monetary or otherwise, could be used to advance God's Kingdom? Well friends, I faced a tough reality tonight that led me to do something I never thought I would do.

To me, video games seem relatively harmless. It's generally a good way to unwind after a long day (as long as I don't lose my temper at them...yeah). But is it really the best way to spend my time? Well...it's harmless right? I suppose it might be unless it turns into something more than that. Today, I made a long to-do list for myself, hoping to get a good deal accomplished (one item was to write this note...glad it's happening). But I honestly didn't get a whole lot accomplished, all because I sat in my room and played Madden most of the day. Pathetic. And to make matters worse, I got a call from Phil and realized that it was Monday...Bible study night. Obviously I didn't make it. I traded an opportunity to grow closer to God in a group environment...for Madden??? "For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." I was completely disgusted with myself...so I did something I never thought I would do. I hung up the phone with Phil and looked at my paused game on tv. I opened the lid to my gamecube, took my Madden cd, and snapped it in half. I could barely believe what I did, but I was happy I did it.

For too long my treasure has been on earth. My investments have been in myself and in pleasing myself, rather than investing in the needs of others and in God's Kingdom. So...how do you go about storing treasures in Heaven? Jesus provides the blueprint to everything we need in the gospels, but it all starts with trusting God with EVERYTHING. I've heard a lot of people ask,"How do I trust in God?" And every time, I feel like it's a foolish question. Well...how do you trust in anyone else? You make yourself vulnerable and say, "It's in your hands now, I trust you." It's the same exact way with God, except God gave us an entire book of promises saying "I won't let you down". But I'll be perfectly honest...it sucks sometimes. Trusting God on this fallen earth simply sucks sometimes. Why? Because God never promised that our life here would be easy. In fact, Matthew 10:22 says "All men will hate you because of me, but he who stands firm to the end will be saved." Yeah, Jesus basically promised that life here will suck. But that's why living eternally is so important and why (speaking to myself now) we have to refuse our own pleasures for God's Sake. When we fully put our trust in God and not in friends or games or possessions, we may not enjoy the result, but we can ALWAYS be joyful due to the fact that we earned ourselves some shiny trophies in Heaven.

In their song "Everything", Pillar (my all-time favorite band) asks the simple question "are you willing to give up everything?" So...am I? Cracking a Madden cd in half is only a small step to being the man God wants me to be. The relentless pursuit of God's will is an extremely difficult road for the time being, but we're aliens on this earth and our real home is in a place where we get to worship God freely for all eternity. I can't think of anything more awesome than that. I hope this can be an encouragement to others to truly look at your lives to see if there's anything getting in the way of your view of God. If there is, GET RID OF IT!!!!! And if you think you won't be blessed for it, take a lesson from Job, the ultimate sufferer in Job 42:10 - "After Job had prayed for his friends, the LORD made him prosperous again and gave him twice as much as he had before." Twice as much.

Matthew 6:33 - "But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you."

Join me friends...let's forget about this crap on earth. Let's serve others and devote our lives to fully serving the Kingdom. Let's live eternally.

Avoiding Mediocrity

Isaiah 54:17  - "No weapon that is formed against thee shall prosper; and every tongue that shall rise against thee in judgment thou shalt condemn. This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD, and their righteousness is of me, saith the LORD."

This is one of my new favorite verses. And it's surprising to me that I first heard it not directly from reading Isaiah, but through a song by DMX. The reason I like it so much (besides the incredible amount of truth behind it) is that it really sounds like a manly verse. Let's face it...guys love weapons. When you put the Christian walk in the form of a warzone, it's exciting. So this verse really speaks well to me, which is awesome when I look at the truth behind it and how it relates to this thought I've struggled with recently.

Ever since graduating, I vowed that being in middle-of-nowhere Halifax, I wouldn't lose my focus on God and would intentionally work on increasing the strength of that focus. Well, I succeeded for awhile. Through God's grace, I've sought Him in a whole new way and it feels like my life has truly been flying. And He's rewarded me with an amazing girlfriend. And I knew that my life has been going extremely well for me, so I knew I had to be on my guard and couldn't let it down for a second...otherwise Satan would be sure to take the opportunity. Well, needless to say...I wouldn't be writing this note if I had kept my guard up.

Well...demons from the past die hard, that's for sure. And I found that it even manifests itself in different ways. And it's like I said, if I had kept my guard up then I wouldn't be writing this note. But for the past week, I let my guard down. I started becoming...mediocre. And that honestly scared me, because I know what happens when I become mediocre. I fall into old sins that consume me and often seem impossible to beat.

When mediocre, I fall into tendencies that I don't even realize. As I've mentioned in past notes, I've fought a very long battle with pornography. And for a long time, I've said "hey I've finally beaten it!" And that's true...I've stayed away from that cesspool for a respectable amount of time. But like I've also said, it manifests itself in different ways if I let my guard down. Ways such as...letting my thoughts go to places they shouldn't.

But again through God's grace, He brings me through. I noticed myself becoming mediocre and my thoughts were beginning to stray. I won't go into personal details, but immoral and sexual thoughts started entering my mind. And I got terrified. I started asking myself things like, "How am I supposed to be in a relationship with these thoughts in my mind? Am I strong enough to conquer them, or am I going to end up in the same places I always did?" And this was all because I just let my guard down for a second, and Satan took full advantage. But when you're feeling mediocre for God, the last thing you really want to do is pray...so I made sure that was the first thing I did. And He gave me an answer through a close brother of mine. It was an article that simply reminded me of how I'm supposed to act when in a relationship, and how she is supposed to be looked upon. Praise God for that...He brought me back out of mediocrity.

Well...I didn't want to get entirely too personal, but this thought of mediocrity has been with me for the past week and I felt led to write a note about it. But this is what happens, and in my opinion, being mediocre is worse than being in outright sin. Let me say that again. Being mediocre is worse than being in outright sin. Think about it in the terms of our world, not just from a Christian worldview but from other worldviews as well. People that don't really "have a religion" aren't really threats to anything. They just go about their happy-go-lucky way and just primarily live for themselves. Satan doesn't really care about those people...they're not a threat to him. But now think about...oh let's say, 95% of the people that go to church? They're even less threatening to Satan. Yeah, they may be "Christian", but how is that really viewed within our own culture AND from other worldviews? Honestly, that's one thing to respect about people who hold to the Muslim faith or just other faiths in general...THEY ACTUALLY LIVE IT. And we say that we're Christians and we're right because the Bible tells us so. Are other people in this world really supposed to respect us? The only way that people might actually respect Christians is not just "oh ya know, letting God shine through us", but actually letting God SHINE through us!!! Matthew 5:14-15 says "You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden.  Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house." Mediocrity tries to cover this up. Here's my favorite verse: Proverbs 15:9 "The Lord detests the way of the wicked, but He loves those who pursue righteousness." My favorite word in this verse is "pursue". It doesn't mean that you only do righteous things some of the time, it means that you passionately seek righteousness 100% of the time. Mediocrity is not a part of this at all. And what was that thing that Jesus said about being spit out if you're lukewarm? Oh yeah, that's right.

I know what I am when mediocre. I don't want to be that, and anyone that reads this shouldn't want to be either. I want to be an honorable man of God who will always pursue His Will for me. For God's sake first. Then for my lady's. Then for everyone else in the world. Then for me. And I know Satan will attack me much like he wants to right now...but I just have to keep my guard up. Mediocrity is a vicious devil, my friends. It isn't just a ho-hum life...it's fully embracing Satan's will for your life. But we have a God who lets us rise above that and truly sets us on fire. How awesome!!!! Don't ever forget it. We're all knights for God on the same battlefield. Now let's live.

"The unexamined life is not worth living." - Socrates

Praying to God's Power

Kind of an awkward title, but it sums up what I wanted to write about. This past weekend, I went to the beach in New Jersey with Bill, Barbara, and Charlene. Monday night at around 11 or so, we went out to the beach just to watch the waves and enjoy the outdoors. I was kind of surprised at the power I started to feel when we got there. People know me for being a funny guy, but I'm very meditative and reflective as well...so I decided to take a walk by myself down the beach. It was there that I was able to see God very clearly, even through the night sky.

As I'm writing this, I'm sitting on my back porch at home. I'm listening to Christian worship music, it's 76 degrees and sunny, and there's a slight breeze blowing. It's pretty perfect weather, and very easy to see that this is God's day. It's times like this that we're able to see God's beauty. But it's also times like this that we can forget how holy, powerful, and sovereign God really is. I saw that Monday night by the ocean. I'll paint that scene in sharp contast to the scene I'm sitting in right now: I was by myself, standing face to face with waves much taller than me. It was completely dark, but there was still the awesome sight of heat lightning in the distance. Even though it was completely dark, every sense for me was active. I didn't just see God's power through the ocean waves...I could hear it, feel it, and almost even taste it and smell it. It was truly awesome. At first I was just standing in awe at what I was feeling around me, but I couldn't help but take a knee out of sheer reverence. I started singing Agnus Dei, and I could definitely feel God's power around me.

When I was out there, Revelation 1:15 came to my mind "...and his voice was like the sound of rushing waters." When I talked to Bill, he reminded me of a verse in Psalms which I just looked up...29:3 "The voice of the Lord is over the waters; the God of glory thunders, the Lord thunders over the mighty waters." And I could definitely relate to that. I could hear God saying "Here I am. I have command over the ocean and the lightning. Bow to me and feel my power." And I did...I bowed and I prayed. I prayed to a God that not only shows us His beautiful creation, but shows us His powerful and even scary creation.

We thank God every day for giving us Jesus, God the Father in human form to whom we can relate. Through Jesus, God showed us what it's like to love and serve. But I feel like we often forget who God the Father really is. We forget Jesus' teaching of prayer, and possibly the most important aspect of it. When Jesus taught us to pray, He said "Our Father who art in Heaven, HALLOWED be thy name. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on Earth as it is in Heaven." Emphasis added on "hallowed". We always remember and preach that God is a personal God and we can all have a relationship with Him. That's true, and it's wonderful that we have that. But we forget that God is also a highly untouchable and infinitely powerful God. When I was praying by the ocean, I could've walked forward about 100 yards to what would've been my death. What would've been my death is something over which God has full dominion. It's a fact we can't afford to forget when we pray. 

"Great, so I've been praying incorrectly? How then do I pray?" I don't want to say that the way I pray is better than other ways or that I recognize something that other people don't, but I just want to give an example of how I tend to pray and things I say when I do. I try to follow 1 Thessalonians 5:17 as closely as I can, "pray continually". If I'm in the car or on my own (like I am now), I'll just start praying...sometimes I don't even know what I want to pray about. But I never really need anything specific to pray about, I just talk to Him. That's what God wants..."The Lord would speak to Moses face to face, as a man speaks with his friend" - Exodus 33:11. I find that I never need to have something specific to come to God with, but I just come to God. But if I do have something on my heart, I get alone and get on my knees. I am on my knees every morning when I wake up, and every night before I go to bed. It helps me to bring focus to a holy God who deserves my full attention. I also tend to speak out loud so I don't get distracted. When I pray silently, I find that it is extremely easy to start letting my thoughts drift away from prayer. Same thing if I'm praying when I'm laying down in bed...I may even fall asleep without finishing my prayer. I'm not saying that one way or another is wrong, but I think praying out loud on your knees is a much superior way of praying. 

The reason I wrote this and the reason that God laid this on my heart is a reminder for myself and for anyone reading this. God doesn't want us to forget who it is we serve. We serve a loving, gracious, and personal God. But perhaps more importantly than that, we serve a holy, sovereign, powerful, and untouchable God. Even Moses, one of the holiest men in the Bible, was only permitted to see God's "back", otherwise he would have died. God isn't just some powerful guy that gives us things if we ask for them. He's an eternal being that breathed life into us and could take it away in a flash if it was His will. The powerful ocean waves are just the smallest of God's power. I'm very thankful that I serve a God that saved me from an eternity in Hell through His son Jesus, because He loved us so much. But I'm incredibly excited and awestruck that I'm ALLOWED to serve a God who is truly all-powerful. Don't forget who we serve and how we serve. We serve the God of the heavens and earth, and we serve this God on our knees.

A Callout

Lord, here I am again
Don't know where this is gonna go
But I'm speaking from my heart
Because that's all I know.

I come confused and broken
I don't know your plan
So I'm on my knees once more
Because that's all I can.

Intercede, Holy Spirit
For the words I cannot find
Satan attacks my heart
And plays tricks on my mind.

But You've given me Your Word
And promised it won't fail
But I've refused it and tried things on my own
To no avail.

Father, teach me to fight Your battle
Teach me to run Your race
Teach me to see Your children
And run at my own pace.

Still, Lord, I know the rules
You'll shown me what to do
But fear and temptation hold me back
And here, chaos will ensue.

Father, Satan has struck me
And it hurts me so
He makes me remember pains
I've felt so long ago

Your Word says he is a roaring lion
Ready to devour me
I let him have a foothold
And now I send a plea

And you sent an answer
In the form of the flesh
He died on the cross
So that I am made fresh.

Now Lord, the time has come
Help me stand bold
Send me the Ephesian armor
And clothe me in gold

No longer can he trick me
No longer will he last
No longer will I hurt others
For his influence dies fast

You give me words to speak
And advice to give
But how ironic that you've shown me:
It's my own advice I needed to live

Let me be your humble warrior
Let me be William Wallace
No, call me to something more
For this soldier's name is Chris

Put me in my place
Even if it's on the frontline
For with my own power I'm nothing
But through You alone I shine

But what's the battle I'm in?
Surely not a war scene
But no, the battle is in my heart
In places unseen

And God, you reign on high
And still take out some time
To send words to my heart
And pump out this little rhyme

Thank you for my friends
Thank you for my brothers
Thank you for Your promises
And many many others

It's through those You speak
So for You I'll wait
And keep running right along
Along the path that's straight

But I trust in You always
You have the bigger plan
And now and forever I can truly say
God, You're the Man!

All of this to say, my heart has been attacked by Satan recently. I let him get to me and began to stray from the true path. But my friends have been invaluable to be and have been there for me when I've most needed them. It's funny how I've been the one "leading" the Bible studies with my brothers in Christ, but tonight I was the one that was humbled. God has truly put me in my place. God is in charge of my entire life, so I really don't have a choice. I must follow Him wholeheartedly and let nothing get in the way of that. Isaiah says that no weapon that's formed against me will prosper. And this is true as long as my heart is not sitting idle, but is passionately pursuing God's path. So, the battle wages on. There's just a difference between today and yesterday. Yesterday, I was losing. Today, I'm winning. And I'm proud to say that I worship a God that heroically steps between me and the evil one and keeps me where I should be...if I just let Him.

Through the hard times...

My current status: "the time has come to show myself who I really am." As with anyone who's ever posted a cryptic status such as that, there's a reason behind it.

My favorite times are when God speaks through things that no one would ever expect, such as the song "The Enemy" by a band who goes by the name "Godsmack". Yeah...one time God spoke to me through Not Afraid by Eminem. I spoke to my guys about that...and it's something that they have told me is most memorable to them. So, with this song that I heard today, the first verse was what spoke to me the most. Pardon the curse, but here's how the first verse goes: Hey, Oh Mister backstabbin' son of a bitch...you're livin' in a world that'll soon be dyin'...and I know everybody knows you try to be like me...but even at your best as a man you couldn't equal half of me."

That last line, but even at your best as a man you couldn't equal half of me, is what made me really think. It's so true...when we have God on our side, Satan is nothing. He can try, but he really can't touch us. It's an encouraging thought, and a prevalent one as we go through easy times. But what about when we go through difficult times? What about when we drop our guard and let Satan get a foothold? What then? Sometimes it's easy to forget this.

Last night, I was innocently tossing my baseball in the air. I was just joking around and faking Zac that I was going to throw it at him. On one of my fake throws, the ball slipped out of my hand and hit my laptop screen, shattering it on the inside. Even though I was calm on the outside, there was a fire burning inside of me. How could I be so stupid? Can't I just rewind about 5 seconds and do that part of my life over? It was frustrating, and I couldn't rest. It's especially frustrating when I don't have much money to my name, not enough to invest another $100 into my 4-year old laptop. I crawled into bed, not wanting to pray or talk to anyone at all. But I knew that that was the most important time to pray. It went something like this..."God...I don't know why this happened. I don't understand why something so valuable had to get damaged, and I don't know why I have to go to my parents every time I need a few bucks. God...help me see things more clearly."

I stayed up for about an extra hour last night just thinking. Life has been extremely good for me lately. I only have 10 credits, and 4-day weekends every weekend. I've been leading a Bible study, attending a different one, pushing my body to new physical plateaus, and everything has been great lately. The only downside in this was that I wasn't really earning any money. Not a big deal at the time, but I knew since I was peaking in many different areas in my life Satan would start coming after me and try to bring me down. Well, it almost worked. This laptop incident could have truly broken me if I had lost my temper. But God had trained me, and I rose to the occasion. 

Despite the fact that I felt like I had temporarily warded off Satan, I was still in thought. I knew I needed to start saving up money, and I needed jobs to do that. I work for my advisor and for a different department on campus, but so far I haven't done much work due to my own laziness and lack of motivation. This is where my status comes in, where I dare myself to show myself who I really am. I can talk all I want for God's Kingdom, and I've been doing that a lot lately. But if I'm not willing to really work for God and to earn an income for myself, what am I? Not a whole lot. Too often I've treated life and the pursuit of God like a race rather than a journey. So last night and today I took a step back from things and looked at everything around me. And there's a thought that God keeps beating over my head, and it's "sell your Wii". What good does it really do me? No amount of playing Super Smash Bros can really glorify God in the long run, so it's something I'm going to do.

And now it's time to show myself, show everyone, and prove to God what I really am. I don't want to be just a talker, and I don't want to be a sluggard. God is leading me and Satan is behind me. Again, it's easy to say this when times are calm and everything is going great. But I'm faced with adversity right now, and God is going to help me overcome it because I'm trusting Him every step of the way. The journey continues...I have no one to race. I'm now prepared to put on the armor of God and walk the warrior's path that He has set before me. This is the honorable way...and this is how to get through the hard times. Trusting in Him always.

How to properly hate myself

"Did he really just say that? He hates himself??? Oh Chris no..."

Fret not, dear friends. If you've read my notes before, you know I'm at least a little bit controversial. And please don't worry...I don't ACTUALLY hate myself, but just read on and you'll understand.

So this thought just popped into my head as I'm sitting in my computer chair on a cold January night. I've been trying to do some work to prepare for class tomorrow, but I can't escape this thought that's in my head right now. For lack of a better term, yeah, it's a little bit of hating myself.

Here's why...I have work to do (don't we all?). But sometimes I have an incredibly hard time doing it, especially when relating to my web design work. I can't understand why, but I just lack motivation and it frustrates me. Web design is truly a fascinating thing...to be able to put something together that not only looks aesthetically pleasing but also functions as a high-end application is actually pretty awesome. It can get tedious and frustrating for the programmer though, especially when he/she (or me) isn't held fully accountable. 

I was expected to have a website basically redesigned for the end of this month. It's January 24th. Guess who's barely started on it. Yep. So naturally I experience some form of frustration, and it's one that I can't understand. Since I'm not held fully accountable, I put it off and do other things that I would prefer to do, like lounge around and play video games or sleep or even go to the gym. But it's something that I know needs to be done. I know that the people I do this for will experience a great form of gratitude, which will please me greatly. So WHY don't I just do it?!?!?!? This is definitely something I hate about myself and wish would go away.

Ironically, I've experienced just the opposite. All work and no play makes Chris into the devil of spring semester 2010. I've suffered this imbalance for a long time...sometimes I would be all about play, but other times I'll be all about work. Sometimes it can be beneficial, but for me it fluctuates for about a few months at a time so that it's actually a hindrance to me. And I simply can't stand it. I keep wondering what the heck I have to do to correct myself. And then when I work that much harder to correct myself...I find myself being corrected TOO much, and so begins the cycle of desperately searching for the happy medium.

And I end up here again. Now I'm at the part where I play far too much and do work far too less. I had fantastic plans for this J-term. I was going to discipline myself to studying PHP every night so I could be a more efficient web programmer. I was going to work out every day so I could be in top physical shape. I was going to accomplish many things. Allow me to summarize what has happened this J-term. I have an easy class with barely any homework from 8-12 in the morning. I don't know any more PHP at the end of the month than I did at the beginning of the month. Two days into working out, I sprained my ankle. The only thing I've really gotten better at is Madden. Yay.

Sometimes I wish God hadn't blessed me with certain things. I get passionate about things and the passion dies in about a week. I set out to take on the world...after a nap. Or two. Or five. Or a quick beatdown of the Cowboys. Between that, and video games. I guarantee anyone that they will not beat me in a Pokemon battle, because I've spent a good part of my life developing every imaginable strategy in that cursed game. I don't understand why God allows me to be good at Madden and Pokemon...I really wish He hadn't.

So....what am I saying? Well...I talked about properly hating myself. I hate how I fluctuate from all work to all play. I hate how good I am at useless video games. I hate how I get passionate about things and let the passion die. But this is why I and everyone needs God. God can do it all...as much as we don't want Him to. Now what do I mean by that? Consider the scenario...I want to be more disciplined in my work. I want to be able to resist incessant playing of video games. So I pray about it. "God, grant me discipline to do my work, and give me willpower to be able to resist playing video games." I feel as though some people, including myself, pray something like this without knowing what they're asking. What am I really expecting when I pray this? Do I expect to get a gift-wrapped bottle of discipline? Yeah, drink this and you'll be disciplined and you'll be able to perform superhuman acts that you previously couldn't! Hopefully you smiled at that...I got a little kick out of it. :) But no, here's God's response: "Ok, you asked me for discipline and willpower. So here's what I'm going to give you. For you, a deadline for a new project that's due at the end of the month. Also, I want to let you know that your Wii is in the living room waiting to be played. Now resist it, sit down, and do work." THAT'S what God gives us. He doesn't give us a magic potion, He gives us a situation where we must be tested. James 1 (my favorite Bible chapter) relates to this well. Verses 3-4: "...because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." God's there to help us all the way, but you had better believe that He's going to test us to make it stronger.

Would I prefer that I just received the magic potion? Well sure...that's easier. But that's not what we're called to be. We're called to be active pursuers of God, and that means we have to work for it. We can't sit back on our lazy behinds and expect things to come to us (entire book of Proverbs, anyone? It kinda talks about laziness and sluggards). We serve God...He doesn't serve us. I think that's truly what we have to remember. Come off of your high horses. Put on your rags, because you are a servant. God wears the kingly robes, not us. BUT! Remember that God instituted the Sabbath. He wants us to serve Him wholeheartedly...while remembering to take a day off. So we can work AND play...and be a full-fledged servant of God. How awesome. So remember the happy medium...I know I'm still searching for it. The bottom line of this whole thing is this. The fluctuation I experience, I believe, is part of my old self. I want to hate my old self and completely put on the new self. I don't believe the word "hate" is used in the Bible, but it's definitely a Biblical principle. By hating my old self, I believe I can truly strive for something better. So I'm going to end with a prayer. I would encourage you to pray this also. But remember...be careful what you pray for, because you WILL get it.

God, I hate the old self. Give my courage and strength to completely put on the new self that You have given me. I know what that means. It means that I will be tested with things related to my ugly past. Laziness, bad temper, pornography, and a slew of other things. But through Your grace alone I can resist it all. Be with me in my journey. Amen.